Dear Dot,
You are not Superwoman. You CANNOT do it all and you certainly have MANY flaws...
Love,
God
This past week I felt like there were two Dots. There's the one many people see; the one that gets things done, the one that always has a solution to problems, and is always up for the challenge. Maggie calls her Thomas (the engine that could) and two others call her superwoman. This Dot is the leader of her team and was called to serve in three other planning committees. She's everywhere, knows a bit about everything; she selflessly serves and not much can get her down. She's clever and creative. She's often smiling and generally friendly. This Dot dreams big and is going to do great things and change the world for children.
Then there's the other Dot. She's feeling overwhelmed by all the people looking up to her. She has so much on her plate that she's not sure she'll get anything done. She doubts that she really is qualified to serve. She has serious issues with self discipline (evidenced by the state of her room). She is terrible with names and gets overwhelmed by social interactions. She has a problem being assertive and she feels like she's forever on a balancing beam trying to juggle all the responsibilities thrust on her. She bears the burdens of her friends wondering when she will get to her own. She is always aware of her flaws and sometimes she just wishes that the other Dot would just tone down or take a break. You see Dot is always paying for Dot's actions.
Truth is, it's exhausting being Dot. It's also impossible to keep going at that pace on my own and it is a recipe for disaster. My automatic reaction in the past has always been to step up. If things get tough; just roll up your sleeves and work it out (then promptly go and collapse at home). It has always been the way I did things and the result was I was always left drained and exhausted after a period of intense activity. My best friend once told me that I need to slow down and I didn't get what he meant until today. It's important to throw yourself fully into things. It's perfectly acceptable to immerse yourself in your work or in loving your friends, but not if you're going to lose yourself in it. These past few weeks, I felt God telling me to slow down. I was doing it all wrong. I was trying to about His business without involving Him. What futility!
Yesterday my friend was worried he was being too "Shpiri" (spiritual) because his reaction to most situations was prayer. I used to think like that. I used to think that people whose first reaction to obstacles was prayer were not being 'real'. I was of the school of thought that 'God helps those who help themselves' and 'Every man for himself and God for us all'. I have , however, found that line of thought does not fly for Christians. Working out Christianity is living by works and not by faith and that is a recipe for disaster. You see, we are called to live by faith.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Prov 3:5).
For we live by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinth 5:7)
Abraham tried to work out God's plans for him and the result was disastrous. What's worse is poor Ishmael and Hagar faced the consequences too. It's like I have to keep learning this lesson over and over because I keep resorting to doing it on my own. I remember coming out of one planning meeting wondering where in the world I would get the time to work on the extra tasks that had just been assigned to me and my first thought was 'I just need to prioritize and schedule my time better'. All I could think of was how I was going to solve that problem. My old habit of self reliance popped up quickly and the result was that I went home feeling overwhelmed. The problems piled up all evening and finally when I felt I really was in trouble I got on my knees and prayed hard. The next day my supervisor came to me and extended my deadlines and relieved me of some of my duties and I was reminded that God's grace really is sufficient for me. More and more these past few weeks I have found that my response to obstacles should first be prayer. Each time I have asked God for help He has come through for me and each time I have tried to do it on my own I have failed. As the tasks increase I am finding myself spending more time in prayer than before. Yes I do need to step up to face the obstacles, but I can't do it without God. I need to get to the point where my first reaction to problems is looking up. I used to think that those posters talking about how we are strongest on our knees were just corny, but you know what? They hold a lot of truth. God wasn't just kidding when He said that
The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective...(James 5:16). Jesus called the Holy Spirit the Helper. God, is amazing. Not only did He come down to die on the cross for our sins, but He pours out His spirit to help us live up to the high standard that he called us to live up to. I thought that God was unfair for creating us as flawed humans and then expecting us to live up to his absurdly high standard of perfection, but in reality, He has given us the means to strive towards that standard of excellence. We are not thrown in the deep end and told to swim for our lives. Instead He's there with us, guiding us... So why would we try and do it on our own?
I am a highly flawed human being. I am also quite blessed in many ways. The bible says that to those much is given, much is expected and the only way I can live up to those high expectations is with God's help. I am hopeless without Him and that is okay. It is meant to be that way because God fills in our gaps ...the people who know their God shall be strong and shall do great exploits (Daniel 11:32). So, in reality, I am the insecure, weak Dot but with God I am able to be Dot. I am glad I don't have to live up to an unrealistic standard.
To those people who only see me as Dot, I wish you would see who I am without God's grace. I don't want to be a superstar. I don't want to be seen as invincible. I certainly don't want to be seen as super woman. I wish you would see the mere human I am and see God's marvelous work in me. I wish you would see what a mess I really am and was without God. I wish that you would see that it is God who keeps me going long after the point where I would have given up. I wish you would see that the reason I smile is that He gives me inexplicable joy and peace. My superior, Andrew, advised me to show my weaknesses to my team and no one likes to be vulnerable, but I am going to try and do it this week. It's time I stopped showing only my best side and let others see me as I am.
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