Full Immersion

Over the years I have learned that I am the type of person that doesn't do toe-dipping; I believe in an 'all or nothing', 'dive in like a dog following a ball' way of living. I like to fully commit to something. I believe that when I make a decision I should just stick to it and follow through. However, by the time I am making that decision I have carefully (sometimes obsessively) analysed every possible outcome and chosen the most favourable course of action. The bigger the decision, the more the research and the greater the anxiety. I've found that the greatest anxiety comes before I do something life changing and wonderful. I don't stand at the edge touching the water and easing myself in; I consider every angle and finally when I feel it's within God's will I just run and take the leap, trusting that God will not let me get hurt. I didn't always do that. 

I have been a christian for about 18 years and when I was in highschool I stopped saying the 'thy will be done' part of the Lord's prayer. You see, I'd read about people in the bible who had given themselves to God and He had asked them to do "crazy things". In the story of God asking Abraham to sacrifice Issac I saw a demanding God who was unpredictable. I was scared that God would ask me to do things that I couldn't or didn't want to do and I would end up like Jonah, stuck inside the belly of a whale. I knew I didn't mean that part of the Lord's prayer and so for around 7 years I didn't pray it. In 2011, however, I experienced God in a whole new way (long story for another day) and I saw how skewed my views had been. My new perspective of the INFINITELY WISE, INCOMPREHENSIBLE, GRACIOUS, LOVING and FAITHFUL God left me wanting to be a part of His work. Later the next year I discovered that God wants all of me. He died on the cross for all of me and He wants it all. There's no way to compartmentalise myself and tell Him "Okay God, you can be in my school life and my family life but my love life and career are out of bounds". I learned that God died so I could be fully free and the only way of doing that was to give myself away withholding nothing (link to William McDowell's marvelous worship medley). I learned to let go of everything and some things He gave me back renewed; some He disposed of and others He replaced with better things. It wasn't easy and it hurt, but letting go is always worth it in the end. 

 "...letting go is always worth it"

 So what does all this have to do with my internship?I'll get to the point in a bit.... This week I took the plunge in terms of the internship. I decided to shut out the voices of anxiety, fear and pride, and to just go in with an open mind and willing heart. This whole week was orientation week and I found out that I was now a cog in a very well oiled machine. Nairobi Chapel is an amazing organisation with a clear vision and mission that they are working towards.Everything about them including how they strive for excellence is impressive.  I get to be part of a much bigger picture than I have ever been. I found myself excited about everything, especially the work of the department I'll be in; that's the Social Justice department which I'll expound in the next blog. It was a great week, well, except for having to get up early :)  Jokes aside, I also felt challenged this week. 

I thought that I had put aside all my pride and, that after my struggles in 2012, I was no longer tying my identity to anything but Christ. Well, it turns out I am guilty of both offenses. Truth is during every introduction I have found a way of letting everyone know I have an MSc and in the brief moment when I mistakenly thought moving out of home was a requirement, I was ready to go in guns blazing to fight for my right to live at home and drive to work in my car (that my dad paid for). I also haven't made much progress in my support raising because of my pride. The final nail on the coffin was when they told us that as part of an interns' mission called 'Urban Plunge', we would be spending a week living and working in Kibera. Whaaat?! ?! I have no problems going to slums knowing that at the end of the day I can go back to my comfortable life, but living there is asking A WHOLE LOT. That was my first thought. How terrible. I've realised I had this pretty picture of what working in church would be like; I thought it would be comfortable and the only missions I'd go for are those out of the country. Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be real hard work and I knew it would take over a huge chunk (if not all) of my life, but the reality of it all is a lot to take in at once. It's like I dove into the water and I am being dragged down by a rock tied to my legs and I find myself struggling to breath for air or stay afloat. Acknowledging the sin is the first step, so I know I'm headed in the right direction, but I remain ashamed and amazed at how shallow, proud and materialistic I can be. I'm thinking of moving out of home. Perhaps leaving my comfort zone will teach me to be less materialistic and will allow me to fully immerse myself in the internship as I trust God for my everyday needs. Sometimes I think that thought is folly, but right now, well, I'm thinking it may be the best way forward. Above all, I am happy I started this journey. I am excited about my new colleagues and the great things we get to do and learn in this program. Perhaps all this is a sign of God starting His work of refining me. If so, boy will this be a stretching experience. I'm up for it. After all, I knew what I was signing up for when I said 'Thy will be done..."

 If you're reading this and have some wisdom to impart on the topic, leave a comment or email me on dneriah@gmail.com . Additionally, if you're interested in joining me on this journey, drop me an email or leave a comment.  Or pray for me as I take this journey. 

**************** What is support raising and what type of support do I need? ******************

Support raising is the act of approaching people to ask them to support your ministry work. It has biblical foundations (such as the story of the widow of Zarephath). It is an act of faith because we learn to fully rely on God as our provider. Additionally, it is a way of inviting people to participate in ministry by contributing to the work of God. More importantly, it is about the relationships formed. I believe that there are a lot of people who have wisdom to impart, whether it comes from experience of having done a church internship, or from other experiences. The journey I am on is long and challenging and I will need to have people standing by me, walking with me, teaching me, encouraging me and holding me up in prayer.  I am eager to form deep relationships with people, not just for the duration of my internship. Monetary support goes to cater for my day to day needs and missions, and can done as a one-off gift or a commitment to monthly contribution (any amount). So if you are interested, comment or email me and we can begin this journey together.