Review the camp curriculum, review the budget, locate
the gifts, write
the reports, follow up on
dance class, deal with angry parents, work on the presentation, do the event proposal, work on the dissertation article, do laundry, tidy room, write to ministry supporters, catch up with the friends, exercise, get some rest, read books for
the book report, plug-in and d-group, handle that crisis, have
quiet time, follow up on
parenting class, respond
to snail mail, emails and inboxes.... breathe! No, I
haven't go time for that....
Last
week should have been the most relaxed week ever. I had three days of R'n'R
after Isiolo during which I caught up with some friends and tried to bring some
order into my life. I deliberately chose not to even think about work during
those three days because I had realized that my social life was suffering as a
result of my busy lifestyle. So, for three days I woke up late, did my laundry,
tidied up, wrote letters, caught up with friends and generally was feeling very
zen. I soon realized that I couldn't possibly meet with everyone I needed to at
once, but that was okay. I was, after all, supposed to be resting. I told
myself I could finish catching up later... That's how Monday, Tuesday and
Wednesday went. I was happy, I was relaxed and I was pretty chilled. Well, that
was until Wednesday night when I remembered that I have to go back to work on
Thursday. I lay awake in bed for an hour, my head as busy as a hornet of bees
buzzing with all the work I had to do as soon as I got back. I have so many
deadlines due and so little time to do them! Of course failure is not an option
and giving up is for the weak. The chaos in my head was about to spin out of
control and before my brain could convince my body to get up and start on some
of the work, I talked myself into falling asleep. Thursday morning came and the
first thing I did when I got to the office was to panic because of the enormity
of the tasks that lay before me. I allowed myself two minutes of paralysis from
fear before I sat down to make my to-do list. I organised my tasks and broke
them down into manageable bits and by the time I was done with that I was ready
to take on the day (well, that good feeling lasted about 3 minutes till the
power went out.) *Cue second panic. I decided to just talk to all the people I
needed to and then to go work from elsewhere. After all, standing around
catching up with people or just complaining about the power outage wasn't going
to reduce the size of my to-do list. I had quite the productive morning but by
11 am I was ready to pull out my hair. By Thursday afternoon I was wondering
why I was still in the internship, and by the time I got home on Friday I was
wondering what I was doing with my life. One thing was clear,
though, I had bitten off more than I could chew.
The
last month or so I have been assigned task after task and they just kept piling
up; they were coming in faster than I could clear them up. I was given
responsibilities that I had not sought after and my shoulders stooped more and
more each day as the burdens increased. My friends have told me that sometimes
I am too nice and I should learn to say no. The first one I ignored, but when
several more talked about it at different occasions, I figured, perhaps they
have a point. I have a tendency to run myself ragged in order to get tasks
done. I took on extra courses in my undergrad, took part in extra curricular
activities and was working in an internship all at once. Maybe I have a
superwoman complex and it is not sustainable. I am just THAT CHIC. :) At work I
get things done and because my superiors have seen this I am assigned more
work. Now, that is all well and good. I cannot complain because God has helped
me get a lot of things done. I seriously don't know how I could have done any
of those things without him. However, that only goes so far. Someone once said
that,"If you are too busy to have a prayer life and quiet time, then
you are busier than God wants you to be." A while back I
would have laughed at the concept because I am a 'get it done' type of person,
but now I see the truth in those words. When you find yourself juggling too
many things, something will eventually give; you'll drop a ball and sometimes
it's the most important ball. That day came for me this week and I had to face
the fact that it is all too much. I dropped the QT ball and I dropped the dance
class ball. Now, the QT ball is generally what fuels my life. I do not have a
single hope of accomplishing anything without God. He is the one that gives me
creativity, wisdom, and the drive to keep going. So, I was running on an empty
tank for part of the week and I felt the difference. The little things got to
me easily and I was frustrated and tired way too often. I can excuse away
the dance class thing because the task had been handed to me as a mess, but if
I had had the time to work on it, then it wouldn't have gone on so muddled up.
The
other day someone was talking about not taking work home and I just laughed.
What do you mean leave your work at home??? When will anything ever get done? I
know, I know about that whole work-life balance but honestly, when I have about
6 hrs of time to actually work during the week, then work just has to get taken
home. But you know what has happened? Then I am too tired to get other little
things done. That's how I end up with piles of laundry and friends who are
upset at me because it takes so long for me to respond to texts. Balls have
been dropped and it's time I realize that my system is flawed. I had just
picked up a new hobby but being at work on Saturday at 6 killed that dream. So
what can I do? My system is flawed and as much as I want to get things done, I
am failing in too many areas. I had to get to a point where I realized
that doing few things excellently is better than doing many
things in mediocrity. I realized this a month ago
over coffee with my bff and I decided to start making changes. I decided to
stop being a snob at home by getting home and going straight to my room to
blackout/work, and to instead sit with my parents for a while. I set aside time
to see my friends and time for my QT. One of the biggest ironies of working in
a church is that I don't really get to go to church. I felt it affecting my
spiritual life because praise n worship has a special place in my heart. I feel
like I am missing out on something very important and the DVDs they give us
don't cut it. I tried skipping off in my free breaks to catch bits of the
sermon but that's not so effective. Yesterday I attended an evening service at
another church and I think I may have found my solution. For the perfectionist,
life can be very very frustrating. There are too many variables that we can't
control and too many opportunities for failure. Learning to keep calm and
saying the serenity prayer over n over can only take you so far. The life of a
perfectionist is thus one of constant anger and disappointment. However, I am
learning to keep calm. Only God's peace, the peace that surpasses all
understanding is sufficient for me. I read on one blog by RELEVANT Magazine,
that,
"Life
is not about finding the perfect balance, but about perfecting balancing."
Those
words completely change my outlook in life. There is no such thing as the
perfect balance. Every time you find the 'perfect balance' the variables
change. And that is okay because life is dynamic and always changing (change is
the only constant in life... well except God). Therefore, I don't have to work
on this perfect fomula to life; one hour of QT + 30 minutes exercise + 5 hours
of work + 2 hrs reading + 8 hours of sleep= Happy me. It will always change and
I just have to learn to change with it. I have to learn to keep working on my
balancing act knowing that it shall go on all my life until the final curtain
falls. I have to acknowledge that and be okay with it. I am great at
anticipating the challenges and changes and flowing with them, but I REALLY
REALLY have to learn to say no. I have purposed to learn how to say no and I
even enlisted the help of a few friends to keep me accountable. Saying no,
especially to my superiors, is incredibly hard for me, but this weekend I had
an opportunity to do so and I respectfully withdrew myself from work that is
out of my Job Description and you know what? All went well. I spent the
afternoon with my sister and friends visiting a children's home and the world
did not come crashing down because I wan't at work :) YAY me for saying no! I
mentioned it to some colleagues and they recommended the book 'Boundaries' by
Cloud & Townsend and that is the latest book in my library. I am completely
dedicated to trying to being better; a better friend, a better employee, a
better person, a better daughter n sister, and I truly think that learning how
and when to use this two letter word will make a difference. I will try and
pick up a hobby once more and to exercise more and to be faithful in my QT.
I can't promise to stop taking work home (that's just ridiculous and I
would be lying to myself) but I can try to make more time for family and for
recreation and resting. Fortunately, I have my whole life to perfect this
'balancing' act. No pressure :)
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