Beneath the beautiful

Well, this is a post I've wanted to write for several years now. I never had the courage to do so, neither have I ever found the right angle to tackle it from . It's just one of those things that are so close to the heart that you don't want to be misunderstood. It all started with a post by Eve, sharing Colbie Caillat's Try .  

"Put your make-up on

Get your nails done

Curl your hair

Run the extra mile

Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on

Don't be shy, girl

Take it off

This is what you want, to belong, so they like you

Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to, give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing"

On Saturday my colleague, called me aside and asked me advise on a certain situation. She wanted to know how to counsel a teenage girl who was suffering from depression stemming from her low self esteem because she was teased about her size.... As she spoke, all the I pushed aside came rushing back. I'd been on that journey, and perhaps am still on it. Not so long ago I was in her shoes. I despised the person I saw in the mirror and believed what the world had to told me about my looks. From plump, to large, big, obese, oversize, fat, huge, curvy, big boned, thick or the latest one- plus size, I've been called all of these and more from when I was young. It came from 'well meaning people', mean schoolmates, friends, relatives who thought they were being funny, frustrated tailors and strangers. I can't count the number of tears I've cried over the years because of all the hurtful, mean, painful, 'jokes' or statements from countless people. I've been told I was lazy, I've had diets suggested to me and I've been told that I have a pretty face; I'd be beautiful if I lost some weight. Now, I know that kids are mean and they don't always know how hurtful they are being, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. And the 'sticks and stones' thing we tell ourselves does nothing to help that hurt. Then there's the adults. They SHOULD KNOW BETTER! Don't make cute little quips about children's size! Don't joke about how chubby they are! You're only adding to the piles of mean comments that child has faced and will continue to face. I think I tried to diet from as young as 8. I slept on the bottom bunk of a double decker bed so I would write all my plans to lose weight on the top bunk. Every time I failed I tried something else. I tried to starve myself and I even tried to make myself throw up. It was a happy solution at first but I soon lost my gag reflex. (I laugh now that I even failed at being bulimic, but back then, it was another thing to add to the list of my failures.) We had countless talks in school about self esteem, but all I got from it was that you shouldn't let people know you have low self esteem. So I learned from a young age to package my 'ugly' body well. After puberty hit, I wasn't much better off. The difference was that the fat had redistributed itself and now people called me 'curvy'. Men objectified me and I was little more than a big butt (is that the most polite term for it? oh well...) So post puberty didn't really do much better for me. I was either the object of unwanted horrid attention (catcalls are the most humiliating thing in the world) or the object of ridicule. I could never do anything right. It wasn't that I was unhealthy. I played basketball and swam from primary school and was even the games captain in highschool. I have been a dancer n choreographer, I have tried pilates, aerobics, zumba, cycling, walking, jogging and had several gym memberships. I have climbed mount Kenya and I have won awards for dance, yet people still choose to see me as a lazy person. I never once believed a single compliment from anyone was genuine. I figured they were only impressed by my ability to hide my flaws in my clothes and as for guys, they were only after me for my body. So for about 20 years I loathed the body I was trapped in but I would never have admitted it to anyone. I figured I'd fake my confidence till the day I actually had it...

As I tried to answer my co-worker on how she should counsel that teenager, I wondered what would

possibly have helped me not so long ago. Would anyone's words have pulled me out of that pit of self-hate that I had lived in for so long? Would any number of mental exercises have made me see that I was more than what the world thought of me? Would it have made a difference when I was sticking my tongue down my throat or cutting my wrists? I don't know. What I do know is that it is pretty obvious that we have a problem. I discovered this new world of 'plus size' fashion, literature and magazines that seems to be based on making big (is that the politically correct term?) women/girls appreciate their bodies. It tries to fight body shaming and while you do find a lot of hate towards 'skinny b****', it lets people of my size (lol seriously, what term should I use?) to appreciate themselves. It's not just that. African women in all continents are only just embracing their natural hair in a huge movement. There is a sudden flux of feel good art, poetry and music centering on appreciating who you are. In extreme cases the new movement feel superior to their 'oppressors' (e.g the skinny b****s references or natural hair girls judging women with relaxed hair)... There's a lot of body positive messages out there, and what that tells me is people are realizing how serious the problem. However, one thing that is common is that they are all trying to convince people that they are beautiful. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone is beautiful, but they get it wrong. As much as it is good to have images in the media representing what real women look like, the truth is believing you are beautiful doesn't change your inside. It wasn't until I let God transform my heart that I finally stopped fighting with my outward appearance.

I know the whole inner beauty thing is a bit very cliche, but it is true. Beyonce is a gorgeous lady to many, but truth is her inside is rotten and you can see it in her most recent album. Behind that bootylicious, curvy confident goddess image that she puts forth, you can see that her identity is tied to her looks and she is desperate for the approval of the world. Just take a good look at her videos and listen to her lyrics. You'll see a girl who would fall apart if she ever lost her worshipped 'booty'. No amount of fame, gyming, squats, sit ups and styling will make you better on the inside. Only God can fix our insides. There's a peace, joy and beauty that only comes from communing with God. Make up and expensive weaves will only cover up so much. Everyone knows it. Just go to the club and you'll see how badly people want to fill that empty space in their hearts. It's why Caro is twerking and grinding because she thinks that makes her attractive. It's why Shiku moves from one bad relationship to another. It's why Yvonne plies on the make up heavily and has her cleavage out on display. Low self esteem is why Faith is stuck in an abusive relationship. It's why I only played games and manipulated guys, never letting them get close to me. It is why so many women die from botched plastic surgery. We go about trying to gain approval from a fickle audience that will never appreciate us. We starve, fight and spend so much money trying to chase beauty. We kill ourselves trying to match up to unrealistic standards. It's a never ending race that only ends when we die. 

To that young girl struggling with loving herself. To younger me and millions of young women my age or older, I wish you would realize that you are truly never going to win. The track you are on will NEVER let up. You will never catch a break. You will never be beautiful enough or pretty enough, thin enough or curvy enough. You will never be okay with the person you see in the mirror. You will never stop seeking the approval of others. Not until you truly surrender yourself to God. He will change you from the inside. He will help you learn to appreciate the body He put you in. He will help you stop chasing after unrealistic standards. He will give you new eyes with which to look at yourself and others. He will teach you to love Him, yourself and others. He will give you a companion who will love you as you should be loved. He will help you stop chasing after men's approval. He will give you all those qualities which shine from the inside giving you a glow no amount of age defying cream will produce. He will put that spring in your step, give you that graceful walk that no amount of coaching could produce. I smile a lot. I was born smiling, but somewhere along the way that smile changed. But now, I smile more because I have known depression. God will give you a sparkle in your eyes that can only come from joy; He'll give you a genuine smile that can only come from knowing peace and hope. Yes, the therapy and body positive exercises will help, but in the end only God can truly solve this monumental problem. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, dare to take that journey with God. You've spent so much money and yet you still cry yourself to sleep; you are afraid of the bathroom scale, or you avoid the mirror. Give God a chance. I did, in 2011 and I never regretted it. Drop me an inbox, email or take me for coffee and I'll tell you more about that incredible journey. Mary Mary summarize my points well in 'God in me'. 

*This is not a 'woe is me' 'i had a tough childhood' post. It is just part of my journey that I hope will help someone else out there. So no 'woiye's for me. Oh and yes, the title is inspired by the song by Larbinth and Emeli Sande 'Beneath you beautiful' (looove the song)