Once upon a starry night in Isiolo

l wasn't excited about the lsiolo mission, but neither was I dreading it. Truth is, I had been so preoccupied with all the preparations that I had no time to process my feelings about the journey. The first thing I thought of when I was told of the mission, was 'How are we going to raise the money we need?' And so the last two months were focussed on group support raising efforts. It wasn't an easy journey but somehow God surprised us at every corner, down to the very last day. Additionally,during the weeks leading up to it I was too swamped with deadlines to process the fact that l was going to spend 10 days in a foreign place. All I knew was that I was being taken out of my comfort zone and it was interfering with my work schedule. I registered it as 10 days of no productivity. I had no Idea where Isiolo was as I had never gotten past Nanyuki.  So on Wednesday night after handing in all my reports and responding to my emails, I started preparing for my oncoming trip. Usually missions creep me out and previously, I have avoided them. However, this time God gave me peace about it long before I asked for it and l was ready to leave as soon as I'd packed all my long dresses and scarves (one must be culturally sensitive).
On Thursday morning I woke up on time, got dressed at a leisurely pace and got to our departure destination on time. The journey was pleasant enough and we made good time. Our arrival set the pace for the rest of our stay; disorder and disorganization are the order of the day here. Truth is, we have encountered some very rude leaders who don't really think they need to explain themselves to women (young women at that). We have also encountered what seem like political agendas hidden in plain sight within our work. Some of my friends have faced tribalism from their hosts; the "Christians"who are meant to be taking care of them. The sun is hot, the place is dusty, and the wind is relentless. We've no running water, and^... one horrific word: "pit-latrines". 😢😭
You know what, though? All is well and I am great. I have a wonderful host family. As in, Cathy is the sweetest lady with a loving face, a generous heart and kind eyes. She has opened up her home to Maggie and I and made us feel welcome and cared for. Her daughter, Carol, has beenjust as loving to us as have the whole family. Seriously, my prayer is always that God would bless them greatly. Only He knows what they desire in their hearts and can grant it to them. Additionally, even through all this disorder, God isteaching me to be still and to dig past the chaos and see Him. lsiolo has beautiful hills and I have caught some amazing sunrises and sunsets. (If you know me well,you knew how much I love sunrises and sunsets; it's like this intimate expression of God's beauty that I am privy to... I don't know how to explain it better, but in EVERY sunrise and sunset I see God's beauty and splendour). On saturday, Maggie and I well walking home after a looooooooooong day ; we were exhausted, but we find ourselves up this mound enjoying the lovely view when we decided to sit and wait for the sunset. That time spent just taking in the view  (and tossing rocks at a random paperbag)  was extremely refreshing.
Additionally, the stars at night we beyond amazing. It has been a really long time since I saw that many stars in the sky. I could gaze at them forever (were it not for the chilly wind). How can anyone look up to such beauty and wonder, and not be drawn to know more about the one who created them? It brings to mind the verses about the Heavens declaringGod's majesty. They really all just shooting and singing His praises by just being. Do you think that that's the way we are meant to live? We think that evangelism is only about going to talk to (or more often than not to talk at) people. I sometimes wonder if we aren't meant to just shine. Let who we are and what we do speak for us. The other day I was reading about how when Moses had been talking with God, his face would glow with the glory of God. I'm not suggesting that we should have radiant faces, but shouldn't we be so filled with the Holy Spirit, so close with the Father, and so transformed by Jesus' salvation, that people can see it in us? We were challenged to go to teach at schools without talking about Jesus and God. At first it felt like a difficult task, but it really wasn't. We shouldn't have to tell people that we are Christians. It shouldjust shine through. It should be obvious when people see us and interact with us and see that there's something special about us. They shouldn't be shocked when they find out that we're christians. We all supposed to be the light of the earth. All light has to do is shine. If we really are a transferred people; if we really are a new creation, then it should be evident. People are supposed to wonder why we have this special quality.They should look at us and wonder what oursecret is; what is this powerful force that drives us? Why am we so loving and selfless? Where does this inexplicable, hope, joy and peace that we posses come from? Where do we get our value of excellence from? You see, these qualities should shine through us and lead people to seeking this 'secret' that we posess. Now that, to me, is true evangelism. So, here I am staring at millions of twinkling stars wondering how my life can be more like their dazzling light, silently shouting out God's praises, lighting the path for all I encounter..

Not so superwoman!!

Dear Dot, 

You are not Superwoman. You CANNOT do it all and you certainly have MANY flaws... 

Love, 

God 

This past week I felt like there were two Dots. There's the one many people see; the one that gets things done, the one that always has a solution to problems, and is always up for the challenge. Maggie calls her Thomas (the engine that could) and two others call her superwoman. This Dot is the leader of her team and was called to serve in three other planning committees. She's everywhere, knows a bit about everything; she selflessly serves and not much can get her down. She's clever and creative. She's often smiling and generally friendly. This Dot dreams big and is going to do great things and change the world for children. 

Then there's the other Dot. She's feeling overwhelmed by all the people looking up to her. She has so much on her plate that she's not sure she'll get anything done. She doubts that she really is qualified to serve. She has serious issues with self discipline (evidenced by the state of her room). She is terrible with names and gets overwhelmed by social interactions. She has a problem being assertive and she feels like she's forever on a balancing beam trying to juggle all the responsibilities thrust on her. She bears the burdens of her friends wondering when she will get to her own. She is always aware of her flaws and sometimes she just wishes that the other Dot would just tone down or take a break. You see Dot is always paying for Dot's actions.

Truth is, it's exhausting being Dot. It's also impossible to keep going at that pace on my own and it is a recipe for disaster. My automatic reaction in the past has always been to step up. If things get tough; just roll up your sleeves and work it out (then promptly go and collapse at home). It has always been the way I did things and the result was I was always left drained and exhausted after a period of intense activity. My best friend once told me that I need to slow down and I didn't get what he meant until today. It's important to throw yourself fully into things. It's perfectly acceptable to immerse yourself in your work or in loving your friends, but not if you're going to lose yourself in it. These past few weeks, I felt God telling me to slow down. I was doing it all wrong. I was trying to about His business without involving Him. What futility! 

Yesterday my friend was worried he was being too "Shpiri" (spiritual) because his reaction to most situations was prayer. I used to think like that. I used to think that people whose first reaction to obstacles was prayer were not being 'real'. I was of the school of thought that 'God helps those who help themselves' and 'Every man for himself and God for us all'. I have , however, found that line of thought does not fly for Christians. Working out Christianity is living by works and not by faith and that is a recipe for disaster. You see, we are called to live by faith. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Prov 3:5). 

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. (Prov 16:9)

For we live by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinth 5:7) 

Abraham tried to work out God's plans for him and the result was disastrous. What's worse is poor Ishmael and Hagar faced the consequences too. It's like I have to keep learning this lesson over and over because I keep resorting to doing it on my own. I remember coming out of one planning meeting wondering where in the world I would get the time to work on the extra tasks that had just been assigned to me and my first thought was 'I just need to prioritize and schedule my time better'. All I could think of was how I was going to solve that problem. My old habit of self reliance popped up quickly and the result was that I went home feeling overwhelmed. The problems piled up all evening and finally when I felt I really was in trouble I got on my knees and prayed hard. The next day my supervisor came to me and extended my deadlines and relieved me of some of my duties and I was reminded that God's grace really is sufficient for me. More and more these past few weeks I have found that my response to obstacles should first be prayer. Each time I have asked God for help He has come through for me and each time I have tried to do it on my own I have failed. As the tasks increase I am finding myself spending more time in prayer than before. Yes I do need to step up to face the obstacles, but I can't do it without God. I need to get to the point where my first reaction to problems is looking up. I used to think that those posters talking about how we are strongest on our knees were just corny, but you know what? They hold a lot of truth. God wasn't just kidding when He said that 
The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective...(James 5:16). Jesus called the Holy Spirit the Helper. God, is amazing. Not only did He come down to die on the cross for our sins, but He pours out His spirit to help us live up to the high standard that he called us to live up to. I thought that God was unfair for creating us as flawed humans and then expecting us to live up to his absurdly high standard of perfection, but in reality, He has given us the means to strive towards that standard of excellence. We are not thrown in the deep end and told to swim for our lives. Instead He's there with us, guiding us... So why would we try and do it on our own? 


I am a highly flawed human being. I am also quite blessed in many ways. The bible says that to those much is given, much is expected and the only way I can live up to those high expectations is with God's help. I am hopeless without Him and that is okay. It is meant to be that way because God fills in our gaps ...the people who know their God shall be strong and shall do great exploits (Daniel 11:32). So, in reality, I am the insecure, weak Dot but with God I am able to be Dot. I am glad I don't have to live up to an unrealistic standard. 
To those people who only see me as Dot, I wish you would see who I am without God's grace. I don't want to be a superstar. I don't want to be seen as invincible. I certainly don't want to be seen as super woman. I wish you would see the mere human I am and see God's marvelous work in me. I wish you would see what a mess I really am and was without God. I wish that you would see that it is God who keeps me going long after the point where I would have given up. I wish you would see that the reason I smile is that He gives me inexplicable joy and peace.  My superior, Andrew, advised me to show my weaknesses to my team and no one likes to be vulnerable, but I am going to try and do it this week. It's time I stopped showing only my best side and let others see me as I am. 

What's Wrong With Being A Martha?

Every so often as I read the bible I come across certain stories that just make me go "Huh? This writer must have misunderstood what the Holy Spirit told him to write!" I know you know what I am talking about. It's like I just don't get where God was going with some of His plans. Like the whole Abraham and Isaac thing? It totally escapes me. Usually I just skip those chapters and tell myself  "God is incomprehensible. Who am I to question His ways?" and most of the times it works. This last week, however, I couldn't get away with that. I had to teach some children the bible lesson and if I was going to do a good job, I had to really understand the lesson myself. The story is that of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). It's odd how those 5 verses can cause me such serious inner turmoil. I'm not kidding. I have struggled with this lesson since the first time I read it. 

At the Home of Martha and Mary
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

So, here's poor Martha. She's decided to host the Son of God in her house and of course He rarely walks alone, so let's say that at a minimum there's 13 people in her house that she has to cater to. She's slaving away in the kitchen while her sister just chills with the guests. Martha, girl, I FEEL YOU! Anyway, Martha decides to ask Jesus to side with her and He instead commends Mary????? If I were Martha, they'd have had to get a doctor to come reattach my dropped jaw. Whaat? I'd have been like, Say whaaaaaaat? 

I recently came to the conclusion that people are either Marys or Marthas. Marys are social butterflies and Marthas are the doers. We are the ones working in the background making sure everything runs smoothly. We get things done and run ourselves rugged trying to cater to other people's needs. We are efficient and practical. Most importantly, we do not get Marys. We feel that Marys are flitty little things who get away with not doing any of the work. Now, I know I'm completely making inferrences on the two ladies' characters based on 5 verses, but this has been my experience. Marthas hate having to work with Marys because Marys are way too busy laughing with the guests to refill the tea urn or collect dirty dishes. All the Marthas put there, I know you get me! How now, can it be that Jesus sided with Mary? If you are like me, you have been raised to be a good dutiful african daughter. That means when you check into a party, you greet people and then head straight to the kitchen to help the hostess with her work. It means that you do not sit with the guests if there is still work to be done. So to me, it's like Jesus was rebuking my culture too. 

Well, the other day I found myself in the Mary and Martha situation. We were at aconference and, long story short, I was part of the hospitality team. As a consequence of many things going wrong, our team was short staffed and had to do everything including washing 600 dishes (yeah... ). Well, I found myself in the kitchen, in my lovely dress, elbow deep in dish washing water. It was a huge task, but I'm a Martha and so were some of my friends, so of course we got it all done. We were exhausted in the end but we had done it! The next day the situation was no better and half way through the day I remember looking around me and wondering where my three workmates were. Looking back I realised that in the past day and that day, they were only present during the serving times and then they would disappear into the conference. What nerve! Who did they think they were leaving us to slave away in the kitchen? My inner Martha was disgusted and felt used. Did they think they were too good to deal with clearing up and washing up? My thoughts went on and on along those lines. It was at that time that I remembered the lesson that I was meant to teach the children; they are Marys. It hit me really hard. 

I was confronted with the reality of the situation at the end of the conference because I had not heard a single full lecture and had missed out on some great speeches. I had literally been to distracted to listen to Jesus. I had missed out on some spiritual nourishment and maybe failed to learn an important lesson. What a pity. I finally understood what is so wrong about being a Martha. I finally understood that Jesus calls us to listen to Him. Can you imagine that the King of Kings was here on earth and Martha missed out on interacting with him because she was in the kitchen! He was in her house and she was too busy to listen to the Son of God. What a serious pity. I don't know how to be a Mary and I realise that that's how I burnt out a few years ago. I was too distracted by all the service needs to sit down and get my spiritual nourishment. 

Dear Marthas, I am new to this whole 'sit down and listen' thing, so I don't know how to do it, but we really do need to stop running around. It's not about being a good dutiful African daughter; you can go on helping the hostess at parties. However, when it comes to listening to God's word, BE STILL and enjoy His presence. We need to learn to ignore the dirty dishes; they can wait. The world will still revolve when you stop fixing all the problems. We are great as Marthas, but we do need to learn to be more like Mary. We Marthas are gifted with selflessness and service to others, but we forget to meet with the one who gave us those gifts. We neglect Him in our rush to save the world. 

I'm glad I finally understood that lesson and I am not sure where to start when it comes to practicing it, but I am going to try to do so. For the sake of my relationship with God, I will put other distractions behind me. After all, He is the one who gives me strength to keep doing what I'm good at doing. 

A Thankful heart and an optimistic perspective.

This post almost became a ranting post. Last week was a looooong week. It began with a horrible cold and ended with a terrible upset stomach. It was punctuated with disorder at a conference, incompetent caterers, washing hundreds of dishes, yelling supervisors, frustration, exhaustion, cold and finally a robbery in the middle of the night.... Yeah! And that's not everything! By the time I was home on Sunday I was so tired that I went to sleep at 6 pm and got up today at 7. Kuchoka nayo! But you know what? After writing a while post on 'But God' I can't go around focusing on the lowlights when at each point God was there for me. He healed me, gave me strength, and healed me again... :) So, Dot.... what were the highlights? Hmmmmm..... I did visit this art gallery for the opening night of a photographer's exhibition. I do not get modern art, but I did have a fairly good time there and I met some new people.... What else?......... Oh YAH! The e-night praise n worship session was A-MAAAA-ZING. There's nothing like a good praise n worship session to renew a weary soul. By the time I was leaving there at like 9.30 the weeks' battles were long forgotten and I wasn't even bothered that I had to be at work the next day at 6 a.m.

So, instead of me spewing negativity all over this blog, I will just take time to thank God for how far He has brought me. On Friday evening during e-night we had the chance to thank God for one thing and I found myself overwhelmed with all the reasons I have to be thankful. I learned that it really isn't just about optimism; it's about counting your blessings. I used to be a highly pessimistic person and to me life's high points were lived out in fear and dread because I was always sure they would be followed by a really low low. For every peak I saw a valley; what a terrible way to live. Believe me. I was too mopey and sad to enjoy the good times and when the bad times came I was so busy wallowing in self pity that I probably lengthened the bad times. One day, I can't remember when, God started helping me change my perspective. I became a glass-half-full type of person. I became a hopeful and joyful person and I learned to view challenges as learning opportunities and to see tough times as 'but God' times. I stopped regularly having my pity parties and started writing more thank you lists. I started writing myself letters using the website futureme.org where you can write to yourself and they deliver the email to you at a time in the future you have chosen. I started to listen to more upbeat music and basically I let the little goth in me go. It isn't always easy, because optimism and thankfulness do not automatically make the tough times go away. However, it helps face the hurdles when they come; it puts me in the right frame of mind to come up with solutions quickly; it helps me keep my head above the waves. Knowing that God has got me no matter what gives me this peace and assurance that carries me through the tough times. I just have to say Imela. That's all I have for this week; a thankful heart and an optimistic perspective will make a world of difference in the trenches. 

...BUT GOD...

It’s Saturday, 6.30 p.m. and I am sitting on the grass at the church ground, wondering what in the world I got myself into. Present Dot is silently cursing past Dot for biting off more than she can chew. I am overwhelmed at the disaster that I’m facing and I am exhausted from having been at church for twelve hours straight. The tent looks like a fabric closet threw up on it and I am scared to call the printers about our order, just in case something else has gone wrong. It has been a really long week of set-back after set-back and I don’t know if tomorrow’s event will even happen. Everything in me is screaming “GIVE UP!!!” I have paced, laughed, sighed, knelt and jumped up & down in frustration and I honestly cannot see a way forward. Our current product is less than mediocre and there are many people depending on the project; people I don’t want to let down....

It’s a Tuesday afternoon and I have been sharpening pencils and colours for an hour. I am frustrated and wondering if this is what the next year will look like. This is definitely not what I signed up for. I was very clear that I wanted to serve in the social justice department but here I am working in the children’s department. When I go home today and I count the things I accomplished, sharpening pencils is at the top of the list and I am gutted at the thought. A loud voice within me is saying, “How dare they waste your time on this! Go and hand in your resignation and join the corporate world.”….

It’s a Wednesday afternoon and we have received communication that we are meant to go to a high school for an outreach session. We arrive on time only to find that our seniors are not on site and are not picking up their phones. A teacher approaches us and asks us if we are ready and all the heads turn to look at me, waiting for me to make a decision; waiting for me to lead them. I feel out of depth in this situation. Give me children any day, but just PLEASE don’t put me in a room full of teenagers! They intimidate me! I am terrified of teenagers! What am I supposed to do? We have no game plan and I have never done this before. The students are waiting for us and we need to minister to them and be relevant. Aiyaiyai!! All I can think of is ‘This is not my responsibility. We can just sit here twiddling our thumbs until our superiors arrive and take charge of their mess.’….  

…BUT GOD….

I was overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, upset, exhausted, anxious and lost, but God came through for me. He gave me strength to keep pushing through. He made me get up and keep trying to fix the mess and used my fellow interns to encourage me. Half an hour later the tent looked like it had been done by professionals, and the next day the event took off without a hitch. A week after the pencil sharpening incident we sat down for a department meeting and I was placed in the social justice section of the children’s department. God made me part of a wonderful project that has the potential to change many children’s lives and I couldn’t be happier. On the day of the highschool outreach, our team stepped up to the task at hand; we divided ourselves and the students into manageable groups and were able to minister to them. God used that circumstance as a chance for us to share our stories with the students and several of them came to know Christ on that day. I remember talking about how no matter all the bad things that happen to the people in the bible, there is always a ‘but God’ and it’s the same in our lives. It has been so in my life. No matter how low, how far down the road one is, or all the wrong things I’ve done, there has ALWAYS been a ‘but God’. I was lost, BUT GOD saved me. I was depressed and hopeless, BUT GOD gave me hope and joy. I was a sinner, BUT GOD loved me. I can go on and on about all the times He’s come through for me; every low point was followed by a ‘but God’ which then became a highlight. To me, that is the very essence of my walk with Christ. It is one whole ‘but God’ experience through which I experience unlimited grace, love and forgiveness which transforms my heart. No matter what people say, the current circumstances and the overwhelming ‘facts’, there is always a ‘but God’. It is all about Him and there is nothing that He can’t handle. He is always there holding out his hand, waiting for me to seek Him, ask Him, call for Him and trust Him, and He always comes through over and above what I needed. I can never tire of learning this and I am slowly starting to look at low points as opportunities for a ‘but God’… All I need to do is Be Still.