We're all like Sakura...

This week my cat has driven me absolutely up the wall. You see, every so often he gets this urge to out there and be a male cat and he disappears for a day or two and comes back with scratches and injuries. Once it was so bad I had to take him to the vet and he was cleaned up and prescribed for the cone of shame... hahahaha he looked so dumb in a cone! Anyway, I digress.... 

This week seems to be mating season and he was driven out by his natural instincts. For four days we didn't see him, but he was running around all over the estate and beyond trying to find a mate. My mum and I were worried sick about him and when we did finally see him, he was no longer this docile, and slightly cowardly cat we know. It was 6 a.m. on Thursday morning when I was woken by his noisy and very loud meowling (mix between a meow and howl; that annoying call they make in mating season). Any attempts at bringing him home were first ignored, then met with anger and a desperate attempt to escape. When he finally did come home yesterday, after five days of not eating, he was haggard and starving. He quickly finished the food on his bowl and begged for more. He finished an entire glass of milk and seemed to be so tired that he could barely sit. We didn't recognise this thin, tired, confused animal. You could see he wanted to sleep in a bit, but he was soon out of the door again, meowling at his (maybe inexistent) girlfriend. Before he left, he sat on our kitchen floor looking exhausted and spent. My mum was very sorry for him, but she was also upset with him because the previous morning when I'd tried to bring him home he had acted like a wild cat. I remember telling her that it wasn't his fault. It was his natural instinct driving him. My poor sweet, calm, slightly cowardly Sakura is forced to go out and be what he is, an animal, a slave to natural instincts. 

As soon as I said it, it hit me. Suddenly all those verses about us being slaves to nature came flooding my mind. We are all like Sakura. We get these natural instincts to go and do something, often sinful, and because we put so much power in our feelings, we follow these instincts and spend our energy fulfilling our body's desires. Pride, loneliness, greed, depression, fear, anxiety, sadness, hurt, anger, you name it; these feelings come into our lives and suddenly we are working on autopilot. They drive us out of the comfort of the Maker's presence as we go on a bender. It doesn't matter if the Father calls out to us morning and night. It is not until we are desperately tired, spiritually starved and bruised, that we go stalking back home. The Master sees us and comes running and calling out for us. He meets us outside, tuts and croons at us as He carries us home. At home He feeds us and dresses our wounds as we gripe and bite at Him as He cleans our sores. We slowly begin to regain strength and spend our days in His presence being nourished until we are growing on the inside. We tell ourselves, 'Never again!' and soon that phase of our lives is forgotten as our wounds heal and scars fade. Then one day some other feeling comes up and the desires are so strong and real that we are convinced that surely, even God who made me and those desires must want me to respond to them. So, out we go again, into the night to meowl and chase after temporary pleasures that will leave us bruised, or in some cases, eventually kill us.... 

It doesn't have to be that way because on the cross Jesus defeated the things of the world and freed us from that slavery. We do not have to put so much weight on our feelings. We do not have to respond to every single natural instinct just because it is natural . Everyone has that one weakness; that one desire that they give in to that drives them from the presence of God. That thing that keeps them away from God later on even though they are hurting. The good news is that Jesus has overcome the world and that includes our human nature. We are all like Sakura, but we don't all have to act like Sakura. In 1 Corinth 9 Paul talks about how he disciplines his body into submission. That is the way it is. We may no longer be slaves, but we first have to change those habits we created before we gave our lives over in submission to God. It is a daily decision to do what is right, a daily struggle to fight those desires, but by God's transforming Grace, it begins to become less hard. Instead of what Paul describes in Romans 7:15, over time we find that we no longer struggle to do that which we want to do. We slowly find it easier to not do what we don't want to do. God transform us from the inside until the human nature is less and that work is finally completed in Heaven. However, our role in God's transformation process, is to actively choose to fight our human nature and discipline our bodies. We don't get to sit back and let God do all the work. Our role can be hard, but God provides the Holy Spirit to give us the courage and strength to do it everyday. God's grace is like leeway to make mistakes so even when we do give in and go all 'Sakura', He welcome us back and cares for us. It is an amazing process really, one that requires hard work, but is ultimately rewarding in that it allows us to make room for God to be Lord in our lives through constant submission to His will instead of our natural instincts. What's even better is finding out each time that His way and His will are more than just superior to ours; His will is more amazing than we could have imagined and leaves us better off than we were before, Isn't that just wonderful? When we surrender ourselves fully to God instead of to our human nature, we open ourselves to being used by God in such amazing ways that it constantly leaves us in awe. 

Next time you get this natural instinct, take a pause and tell yourself, 'Don't be like Sakura.' 

PS, this blog was not just another excuse to talk about my cat..... or was it? muahahahahahaha..... :) 

Fickle heart will get you hurt

I can't believe it's been a month since I last blogged. *Hanging my head in shame*

It's not that I haven't learned anything all month; I have actually done a lot this month, but I was so caught up on the little things that I forgot to look up. The month began pretty wonderfully with a relaxing three day retreat. I have come to the end of my first quarter in Kinara and it was a time for reflection, relaxation and re-strategizing. I realized that I came into this internship with my own agenda hidden within my following of God's will. Over the past few months He has broken me down and moulded me to fit into His will and my goodness that has been a process. But above all that, I have found such a fulfillment in this role that I honestly could not picture being happier or doing more in any other organization right now. Truth is when I joined it wasn't with arms wide open. I was leaping into the unknown with my head full of anxiety and apprehension. I was trusting God because I knew that He wanted me here, but I part of the reason I was obeying was because of the whole story of Jonah (I was not about to waste my time in whatever whale God would have used to swallow me up). I know it doesn't seem very 'spiri' of me, but that is the truth and I think that's an okay response. Faith calls for obedience whether or not we know where we're going. My friend described it as being blind folded and listening to God's instruction as He tells us where to go.... I digress though... where was I? oh yah, the retreat. 

My goodness that was a marvelous time. I have been reading C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia for the umptinth time and that guy is a great author. Dallas Willard wrote that the art of a great teacher is putting something in such a way that even though you do not understand it, you remember it. C.S Lewis was a great teacher. Those books are so scripture inspired that you can see it in the small things. I was really inspired when I was reading the 6th book, 'The Silver Chair'. Aslan (the great son of the Emporor over the sea), gave this girl some instructions and he had her repeat them to him. They were instructions to guide her and her companion on a journey he was sending them on. At the time they were standing in the mountains, above and away from all the issues in the city. He had her repeat the instructions over and over until she got them and asked her to always repeat them. He warned her that although up in the mountains she could hear him clearly, it would be harder to hear him in the city and on the journey. He recited them with her once more and sent her on her way.  As soon as she arrived, she had forgotten the first instructions and as the journey wore on, she forgot to repeat the instructions and got caught up in the journey that he had sent her on. Her disobedience almost cost her and her companions their lives.

That was me this whole month. During the retreat I had the greatest clarity. I had great plans and I was going to maintain the momentum that I had built in those three days. I was ready for action. I was sure I was going to have longer, better devotion time and prayer time, and all those other things we tell ourselves when we are having fun planning what wonderful lives we're going to live. However, as soon as we were done with the retreat I turned my phone on and reality came rushing in. The rest of the week was a blurr of emails, phone calls and all the crazy running up and down for the camp I was directing. I am so very grateful for the fact that God does not treat us the way we deserve. During camp I worked hard; as in I was run ragged for those two weeks but my focus wasn't always on Him. My devotion was reduced to the daily devotional preparations I made before camp began and my prayer life consisted of sitting in the staff room and praying while the camp was going on and I had a 5 minute breather. This month I failed to have Jesus as the center of my work and life and I am quite sure it showed. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. I leaned on my own understanding and strength this month and it was a disaster. I was burned out within 3 weeks. Btw by burnout I mean serious burnout. My work was being impared, it took more strength to do small things, I was dizzy and nursing a headache for a lot of the last week and was lacking in joy. At some point I was teaching a group of pre-teens and their attitudes almost reduced me to tears. That was when I knew that I was being ridiculous and had failed terribly to prepare in the proper manner. I don't mean planning the lesson- I'd done that- I mean I had failed to pray about it and it showed. I was anxious and impatient that day and those young girls surely deserve to have me at my best. 

I have slowly come to realize that moments of peace are not just about granting us rest. They are meant to be times when we can equip ourselves for the next step. We get restless in rest. I remember some members of my group struggling with the silence rules of the convent where we were having our retreat. I had already learned that lesson and I am not afraid of time alone, so I was okay with it. My problem, however, comes when we decend from the mountain and are back in the city noise. All the distractions around us make it really hard to remmeber to focus on God. I forget the instructions I got, I forget to repeat them to myself; I forget who sent me on this journey, and I end up making wrong decisions or working with twice the effort to do something that would have been easier if done the right way. My autopilot in times of chaos is to buckle down and work hard. That's not right, but I need to create a new autopilot. My emergency systems need to include God- they need to be centered on Him or I'll end up in the situation I was in this month. I always got annoyed when I read 'The Silver Chair' because I was sure that the girl was silly for forgetting such simple instruction. I felt the same way about the Israelites and all the grumbling and forgetting they did. Yet that is the very nature of my soul right now. I am a fickle person with a fickle heart and mind. I forget the simple instruction and wind up hurting myself in the process. The beauty of God is that He doesn't watch us fumbling and making a mess; He comes down and blesses the mess by transforming it into what He originally planned. Thus, the camp went marvelously well. I cannot take any credit for the success of those two weeks. God found ways of amazing me and talking to me each day. I was transformed anew by an old story and He allowed me to be a huge part of the transformation of many children's lives. What a privilege. I am humbled by how God came through for us at that camp. I can't say it will never happen again, but my prayer really is that I would stop leaning on my own wisdom and really let God be the center of everything I do. That's partly why I love this song so much; no matter how much I ruin things, God comes in His glory shines through the cracks and toppled walls. 

Failure is not an option but it is inevitable; be a gracious loser.

It has been a while since I posted but this one has been on my mind for the last two weeks. I am a person who lives by the principle, 'Failure is not an option'. However, life being what it is, failure is inevitable. The other day we were at a team building retreat and we were split into groups. During the first group activity my team excelled. It was a difficult task and it managed to boggle our collective brains for a while, but eventually, we figured it out and finished the activity long before the other group started moving. The activity leader saw that we had finished and set before us a similar task and put obstacles in our entire process. Still in the end, we finished before the other group. We silently watched them complete the task and when they were done we applauded them. Later on when we were discussing the task, the leader commended the team that had lost over and over and I was just completely upset. I wondered to myself, why are we sometimes so terrible at accepting failure? 

If you have watched sports these days, we are telling our children that all that matters is that they had fun or that everyone is a winner for having done their best. Well, I would like to call the BS card on that philosophy. Why are we babying losers? Okay, hold up, before you close this page, hear me out. I have been a massive loser. In high school I played on a basketball team that only won 3 matches in the four years that I played. Yeah. 3 wins in 4 years!!!!! At some point I was the captain of that team so I was basically the captain of the losers. (hahahahaha I can laugh now). However, our terrible record did not stop us from going to the court and practicing every single day for an hour n half. At some point we were only 5 of us and there we even had a number of coaches quit on us. I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LOSE/FAIL. I know what it is like to go onto the court facing gigantic girls (we suspect some of them were over 20 years) knowing that we would likely fail. I know what it is like to have a match score reach the triple digits while were on single digit scores. Yet every single match we went in ready to do our best. We actually tried to win. Each time we were called for a match we went. We showed up with our heads held high and when we were beat we shook their hands and commended them on a good game. There was never a time when we didn't score a single shot, and there were even times when the game was tied to the last minute or when the other team won on a technicality, but nevertheless, almost doesn't count. Failure is failure and I've got 4 years' experience in it :) I'm not talking about failure like they show in the movies where you start by failing then some great mentor comes your way to motivate you (cue motivational song with a montage of getting your act together) and finally you getting it right. No, in life sometimes the underdog doesn't win. Sometimes you just fail and that is that.  

Having revealed history of failure, I still think that YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD WHEN YOU FAIL. This talk of 'as long as you did your best' does not get you far. It is important to commend people for their hard work but you should not make failure such a bad thing that you don't even acknowledge it. The message you are sending is that 'failure is so bad that we don't want to call you a failure in case you give up...' (I call the nonesence card again). What that this whole habit of commending failures and making them feel better about themselves does, is that it makes them complacent. They start to accept failure. You do not want to create complacency. You do not want people aiming for mediocrity and accepting sub-standard performances. You want to inspire them to keep trying. Remember that bad feeling you get when you fail? Well it drives you to keep trying. It makes you work harder the next time. It makes the wins that much sweeter and it makes you better. 

Even though I have failed so many times, what that has taught me, is to keep trying no matter what. What it has also taught me is to accept my own failures knowing that the world will not end. The last two weeks I have failed at certain tasks and it is not good, but it is okay. The fact that I do not fear failure allowed me to seek out help before the failure inconvenienced the rest of my colleagues on the project we were working on. I can tell you that admitting defeat was one of the toughest things I could have done. Writing that email acknowledging my failure hurt real bad and took a lot of courage, but I have a colleague on the same project who sat on his failure all month long and in the end compromised our project. His refusal to acknowledge that he had failed brought the team down in the task. Is failure really that bad? I have to admit, I feel gutted each time I feel. I am embarrassed that I was not competent enough to complete the task or that I made a mistake. Failure hurts. However, the one thing that it doesn't do, is make me question my efficacy. My identity is not placed on my ability to perform; it is in my creator and who He says I am. Even though I have failed I know I am not a failure because He made me a victor. Because I do not fear failure, I learn from those failures. Sometimes I fail over and over at the same thing, but that just means I have to work harder and pray harder. I know that fear of failure is a huge motivator, but when you fear something you become a slave to it. You avoid it AT ALL COSTS. What does that mean? You cut corners, pay bribes, cheat, etc, to get ahead. There's no place for fear in Christianity. Christ died so that we could be free of all the things that enslave us. Fear of failure is one of those things. I used to fear failure and every so often that feeling rears its head again, but it happens less and less. Now I don't like failure so I avoid it, but I don't work like a dog to avoid it at all costs. Instead I work hard because I have freedom. Not freedom to fail, but freedom to win. Freedom to get up when I fail and to keep trying. Freedom to know that letting go is not giving up. Freedom to admit defeat and ask for help. And oh how great that freedom feels. It enables me to try wind surfing and spend an afternoon falling off the board as a crowd of beach goers laugh and my friend films it. It even allows me to finally stop trying after an hour of swallowing water and injuries from the sail falling on me. Finally, that freedom from the fear of failure allows me to show the videos to my friends even though I only finally managed to wind surf a 5 foot distance. I don't show it as the time I wind surfed, but the times I failed to wind surf. (hala at me if you want to see the videos).

I'll have you know, by the way, that in the afternoon session the other team completely DESTROYED us on the field while we played touch rugby. Our team accepted defeat and shook hands with them and commended them on a good game. 

A second by the way, although this post is dotted with instances of failure, both epic and small, I have won innumerable times and boy is victory sweet! :) The best thing about failure and it's inevitability is that we can ALWAYS count on God to steer us to victory, to be the strength in our weakness, and to help us heal our wounds. 

Beneath the beautiful

Well, this is a post I've wanted to write for several years now. I never had the courage to do so, neither have I ever found the right angle to tackle it from . It's just one of those things that are so close to the heart that you don't want to be misunderstood. It all started with a post by Eve, sharing Colbie Caillat's Try .  

"Put your make-up on

Get your nails done

Curl your hair

Run the extra mile

Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on

Don't be shy, girl

Take it off

This is what you want, to belong, so they like you

Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to, give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing"

On Saturday my colleague, called me aside and asked me advise on a certain situation. She wanted to know how to counsel a teenage girl who was suffering from depression stemming from her low self esteem because she was teased about her size.... As she spoke, all the I pushed aside came rushing back. I'd been on that journey, and perhaps am still on it. Not so long ago I was in her shoes. I despised the person I saw in the mirror and believed what the world had to told me about my looks. From plump, to large, big, obese, oversize, fat, huge, curvy, big boned, thick or the latest one- plus size, I've been called all of these and more from when I was young. It came from 'well meaning people', mean schoolmates, friends, relatives who thought they were being funny, frustrated tailors and strangers. I can't count the number of tears I've cried over the years because of all the hurtful, mean, painful, 'jokes' or statements from countless people. I've been told I was lazy, I've had diets suggested to me and I've been told that I have a pretty face; I'd be beautiful if I lost some weight. Now, I know that kids are mean and they don't always know how hurtful they are being, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. And the 'sticks and stones' thing we tell ourselves does nothing to help that hurt. Then there's the adults. They SHOULD KNOW BETTER! Don't make cute little quips about children's size! Don't joke about how chubby they are! You're only adding to the piles of mean comments that child has faced and will continue to face. I think I tried to diet from as young as 8. I slept on the bottom bunk of a double decker bed so I would write all my plans to lose weight on the top bunk. Every time I failed I tried something else. I tried to starve myself and I even tried to make myself throw up. It was a happy solution at first but I soon lost my gag reflex. (I laugh now that I even failed at being bulimic, but back then, it was another thing to add to the list of my failures.) We had countless talks in school about self esteem, but all I got from it was that you shouldn't let people know you have low self esteem. So I learned from a young age to package my 'ugly' body well. After puberty hit, I wasn't much better off. The difference was that the fat had redistributed itself and now people called me 'curvy'. Men objectified me and I was little more than a big butt (is that the most polite term for it? oh well...) So post puberty didn't really do much better for me. I was either the object of unwanted horrid attention (catcalls are the most humiliating thing in the world) or the object of ridicule. I could never do anything right. It wasn't that I was unhealthy. I played basketball and swam from primary school and was even the games captain in highschool. I have been a dancer n choreographer, I have tried pilates, aerobics, zumba, cycling, walking, jogging and had several gym memberships. I have climbed mount Kenya and I have won awards for dance, yet people still choose to see me as a lazy person. I never once believed a single compliment from anyone was genuine. I figured they were only impressed by my ability to hide my flaws in my clothes and as for guys, they were only after me for my body. So for about 20 years I loathed the body I was trapped in but I would never have admitted it to anyone. I figured I'd fake my confidence till the day I actually had it...

As I tried to answer my co-worker on how she should counsel that teenager, I wondered what would

possibly have helped me not so long ago. Would anyone's words have pulled me out of that pit of self-hate that I had lived in for so long? Would any number of mental exercises have made me see that I was more than what the world thought of me? Would it have made a difference when I was sticking my tongue down my throat or cutting my wrists? I don't know. What I do know is that it is pretty obvious that we have a problem. I discovered this new world of 'plus size' fashion, literature and magazines that seems to be based on making big (is that the politically correct term?) women/girls appreciate their bodies. It tries to fight body shaming and while you do find a lot of hate towards 'skinny b****', it lets people of my size (lol seriously, what term should I use?) to appreciate themselves. It's not just that. African women in all continents are only just embracing their natural hair in a huge movement. There is a sudden flux of feel good art, poetry and music centering on appreciating who you are. In extreme cases the new movement feel superior to their 'oppressors' (e.g the skinny b****s references or natural hair girls judging women with relaxed hair)... There's a lot of body positive messages out there, and what that tells me is people are realizing how serious the problem. However, one thing that is common is that they are all trying to convince people that they are beautiful. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone is beautiful, but they get it wrong. As much as it is good to have images in the media representing what real women look like, the truth is believing you are beautiful doesn't change your inside. It wasn't until I let God transform my heart that I finally stopped fighting with my outward appearance.

I know the whole inner beauty thing is a bit very cliche, but it is true. Beyonce is a gorgeous lady to many, but truth is her inside is rotten and you can see it in her most recent album. Behind that bootylicious, curvy confident goddess image that she puts forth, you can see that her identity is tied to her looks and she is desperate for the approval of the world. Just take a good look at her videos and listen to her lyrics. You'll see a girl who would fall apart if she ever lost her worshipped 'booty'. No amount of fame, gyming, squats, sit ups and styling will make you better on the inside. Only God can fix our insides. There's a peace, joy and beauty that only comes from communing with God. Make up and expensive weaves will only cover up so much. Everyone knows it. Just go to the club and you'll see how badly people want to fill that empty space in their hearts. It's why Caro is twerking and grinding because she thinks that makes her attractive. It's why Shiku moves from one bad relationship to another. It's why Yvonne plies on the make up heavily and has her cleavage out on display. Low self esteem is why Faith is stuck in an abusive relationship. It's why I only played games and manipulated guys, never letting them get close to me. It is why so many women die from botched plastic surgery. We go about trying to gain approval from a fickle audience that will never appreciate us. We starve, fight and spend so much money trying to chase beauty. We kill ourselves trying to match up to unrealistic standards. It's a never ending race that only ends when we die. 

To that young girl struggling with loving herself. To younger me and millions of young women my age or older, I wish you would realize that you are truly never going to win. The track you are on will NEVER let up. You will never catch a break. You will never be beautiful enough or pretty enough, thin enough or curvy enough. You will never be okay with the person you see in the mirror. You will never stop seeking the approval of others. Not until you truly surrender yourself to God. He will change you from the inside. He will help you learn to appreciate the body He put you in. He will help you stop chasing after unrealistic standards. He will give you new eyes with which to look at yourself and others. He will teach you to love Him, yourself and others. He will give you a companion who will love you as you should be loved. He will help you stop chasing after men's approval. He will give you all those qualities which shine from the inside giving you a glow no amount of age defying cream will produce. He will put that spring in your step, give you that graceful walk that no amount of coaching could produce. I smile a lot. I was born smiling, but somewhere along the way that smile changed. But now, I smile more because I have known depression. God will give you a sparkle in your eyes that can only come from joy; He'll give you a genuine smile that can only come from knowing peace and hope. Yes, the therapy and body positive exercises will help, but in the end only God can truly solve this monumental problem. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, dare to take that journey with God. You've spent so much money and yet you still cry yourself to sleep; you are afraid of the bathroom scale, or you avoid the mirror. Give God a chance. I did, in 2011 and I never regretted it. Drop me an inbox, email or take me for coffee and I'll tell you more about that incredible journey. Mary Mary summarize my points well in 'God in me'. 

*This is not a 'woe is me' 'i had a tough childhood' post. It is just part of my journey that I hope will help someone else out there. So no 'woiye's for me. Oh and yes, the title is inspired by the song by Larbinth and Emeli Sande 'Beneath you beautiful' (looove the song) 

Chaos and juggling don't always go together

Review the camp curriculum, review the budget, locate the gifts, write the reports, follow up on dance class, deal with angry parents, work on the presentation, do the event proposal, work on the dissertation article, do laundry, tidy room, write to ministry supporters, catch up with the friends, exercise, get some rest, read books for the book report, plug-in and d-group, handle that crisis, have quiet time, follow up on parenting class,  respond to snail mail, emails and inboxes.... breathe! No, I haven't go time for that....  

Last week should have been the most relaxed week ever. I had three days of R'n'R after Isiolo during which I caught up with some friends and tried to bring some order into my life. I deliberately chose not to even think about work during those three days because I had realized that my social life was suffering as a result of my busy lifestyle. So, for three days I woke up late, did my laundry, tidied up, wrote letters, caught up with friends and generally was feeling very zen. I soon realized that I couldn't possibly meet with everyone I needed to at once, but that was okay. I was, after all, supposed to be resting. I told myself I could finish catching up later... That's how Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went. I was happy, I was relaxed and I was pretty chilled. Well, that was until Wednesday night when I remembered that I have to go back to work on Thursday. I lay awake in bed for an hour, my head as busy as a hornet of bees buzzing with all the work I had to do as soon as I got back. I have so many deadlines due and so little time to do them! Of course failure is not an option and giving up is for the weak. The chaos in my head was about to spin out of control and before my brain could convince my body to get up and start on some of the work, I talked myself into falling asleep. Thursday morning came and the first thing I did when I got to the office was to panic because of the enormity of the tasks that lay before me. I allowed myself two minutes of paralysis from fear before I sat down to make my to-do list. I organised my tasks and broke them down into manageable bits and by the time I was done with that I was ready to take on the day (well, that good feeling lasted about 3 minutes till the power went out.) *Cue second panic. I decided to just talk to all the people I needed to and then to go work from elsewhere. After all, standing around catching up with people or just complaining about the power outage wasn't going to reduce the size of my to-do list. I had quite the productive morning but by 11 am I was ready to pull out my hair. By Thursday afternoon I was wondering why I was still in the internship, and by the time I got home on Friday I was wondering what I was doing with my life. One thing was clear, though, I had bitten off more than I could chew. 

The last month or so I have been assigned task after task and they just kept piling up; they were coming in faster than I could clear them up. I was given responsibilities that I had not sought after and my shoulders stooped more and more each day as the burdens increased. My friends have told me that sometimes I am too nice and I should learn to say no. The first one I ignored, but when several more talked about it at different occasions, I figured, perhaps they have a point. I have a tendency to run myself ragged in order to get tasks done. I took on extra courses in my undergrad, took part in extra curricular activities and was working in an internship all at once. Maybe I have a superwoman complex and it is not sustainable. I am just THAT CHIC. :) At work I get things done and because my superiors have seen this I am assigned more work. Now, that is all well and good. I cannot complain because God has helped me get a lot of things done. I seriously don't know how I could have done any of those things without him. However, that only goes so far. Someone once said that,"If you are too busy to have a prayer life and quiet time, then you are busier than God wants you to be." A while back I would have laughed at the concept because I am a 'get it done' type of person, but now I see the truth in those words. When you find yourself juggling too many things, something will eventually give; you'll drop a ball and sometimes it's the most important ball. That day came for me this week and I had to face the fact that it is all too much. I dropped the QT ball and I dropped the dance class ball. Now, the QT ball is generally what fuels my life. I do not have a single hope of accomplishing anything without God. He is the one that gives me creativity, wisdom, and the drive to keep going. So, I was running on an empty tank for part of the week and I felt the difference. The little things got to me easily and I was frustrated and tired way too often.  I can excuse away the dance class thing because the task had been handed to me as a mess, but if I had had the time to work on it, then it wouldn't have gone on so muddled up. 

The other day someone was talking about not taking work home and I just laughed. What do you mean leave your work at home??? When will anything ever get done? I know, I know about that whole work-life balance but honestly, when I have about 6 hrs of time to actually work during the week, then work just has to get taken home. But you know what has happened? Then I am too tired to get other little things done. That's how I end up with piles of laundry and friends who are upset at me because it takes so long for me to respond to texts. Balls have been dropped and it's time I realize that my system is flawed. I had just picked up a new hobby but being at work on Saturday at 6 killed that dream. So what can I do? My system is flawed and as much as I want to get things done, I am failing in too many areas. I had to get to a point where I realized that doing few things excellently is better than doing many things in mediocrity. I realized this a month ago over coffee with my bff and I decided to start making changes. I decided to stop being a snob at home by getting home and going straight to my room to blackout/work, and to instead sit with my parents for a while. I set aside time to see my friends and time for my QT. One of the biggest ironies of working in a church is that I don't really get to go to church. I felt it affecting my spiritual life because praise n worship has a special place in my heart. I feel like I am missing out on something very important and the DVDs they give us don't cut it. I tried skipping off in my free breaks to catch bits of the sermon but that's not so effective. Yesterday I attended an evening service at another church and I think I may have found my solution. For the perfectionist, life can be very very frustrating. There are too many variables that we can't control and too many opportunities for failure. Learning to keep calm and saying the serenity prayer over n over can only take you so far. The life of a perfectionist is thus one of constant anger and disappointment. However, I am learning to keep calm. Only God's peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding is sufficient for me. I read on one blog by RELEVANT Magazine, that, 

"Life is not about finding the perfect balance, but about perfecting balancing." 

Those words completely change my outlook in life. There is no such thing as the perfect balance. Every time you find the 'perfect balance' the variables change. And that is okay because life is dynamic and always changing (change is the only constant in life... well except God). Therefore, I don't have to work on this perfect fomula to life; one hour of QT + 30 minutes exercise + 5 hours of work + 2 hrs reading + 8 hours of sleep= Happy me. It will always change and I just have to learn to change with it. I have to learn to keep working on my balancing act knowing that it shall go on all my life until the final curtain falls. I have to acknowledge that and be okay with it. I am great at anticipating the challenges and changes and flowing with them, but I REALLY REALLY have to learn to say no. I have purposed to learn how to say no and I even enlisted the help of a few friends to keep me accountable. Saying no, especially to my superiors, is incredibly hard for me, but this weekend I had an opportunity to do so and I respectfully withdrew myself from work that is out of my Job Description and you know what? All went well. I spent the afternoon with my sister and friends visiting a children's home and the world did not come crashing down because I wan't at work :) YAY me for saying no! I mentioned it to some colleagues and they recommended the book 'Boundaries' by Cloud & Townsend and that is the latest book in my library. I am completely dedicated to trying to being better; a better friend, a better employee, a better person, a better daughter n sister, and I truly think that learning how and when to use this two letter word will make a difference. I will try and pick up a hobby once more and to exercise more and to be faithful in my QT.  I can't promise to stop taking work home (that's just ridiculous and I would be lying to myself) but I can try to make more time for family and for recreation and resting. Fortunately, I have my whole life to perfect this 'balancing' act. No pressure :) 

I didn't survive Isiolo

*Warning* Long post ahead :) but totally worth the read.... I'll intersperse photos of Isiolo to keep your eyes from getting bored.... 

It's been 11 days and I'm back at home for a few days' RnR; the perfect time for me to sit down and reflect on the mission. When I was leaving for the Isiolo mission, I had only one requirement of myself; Don't just survive. I wanted to engage wholly and to challenge myself; to thrive, not survive. Even though I would be out of my confort zone and in an entirely new environment doing something that didn't come naturally, to me, I wanted to shine. So now that it has come to an end, I can ask myself, 'did I survive or did I thrive?'. 

Truth is, when I took the spiritual gifts test, evangelism was my lowest score (1) and it has been something I struggle with (and in some cases, completely avoid). I feel that it is a completely unnatural way of witnessing to people and I struggle with the concept of just approaching random strangers and sort of "attacking them with the gospel" (do we really want to scare people into Heaven?)  I also can be extremely awkward in such situations. How then can I hope to excel in the context of a mission? 

Sunrise from my host family's house. I woke up to a beautiful red sun every day.

I did not win any souls to Christ. I did not experience/witness any Holy-Ghost-Fire-Demon-Casting and I certainly did not get persecuted for trying to preach the gospel as was the case of a friend of mine who had to run from a crowd that was about to attack them.... Actually, I only participated in door-to-door evangelism one and a half mornings. It seems these are the markers of a mission as these were the things we were celebrating in our report meetings. So, then, was I unsuccessful in my mission? If we are to judge solely by number of people I personally evangelized to and the number of souls won for Christ, then I am a complete failure. However, that is not the standard by which I choose to asses this situation. 

My only question was, did I survive or thrive? During the door-to-door evangelism, we were put in a small group composed of a local missioner, Maggie (who doesn't speak Kiswahili) and one other young girl from Isiolo town. Moses, our local missioner took us round a section of a small town outside of Isiolo, where we had two objectives: preach to those who aren't saved, and encourage those who we encounter that are saved. Now, here I am walking in the heat, being beaten by the wind and dust, being asked to do something I have NEVER done before. I was very tempted to just be a pain and remain silent through out, but instead I prayed to God. Every step we took, I was praying and each time His response was, 'I will give you the words'. My heart was working overtime and each time we saw a gate, I held my breath. The first few times, we didn't find anyone, but at last, we found a man home. Moses introduced us and then just turned to me and said, 'Hubiri' (preach). After a short awkward exchange, the man sort of transferred us to the care of his wife who invited us in and gave us the most deliciously sweet and juicy watermelon ever! It was fresh from her shamba. Her hospitality was just amazing and we soon discovered that she is a christian. So, Moses turned to me and said, 'mtie moyo' (encourage her)... After a short freak out in my head and a prayer, I opened my mouth and God literally just took over. We shared for a little while, blessed her home and left. That was an amazing encounter for me. It just gave me the courage to keep going. The next place we arrived at was not so welcoming but the first encounter gave us grace to continue. We could all see that the people there were making fun of us, but when Moses turned to me and asked me to take over, God once again gave me the words to speak. We didn't stay long though. The last place we stopped at was a farm belonging to this couple. The woman was saved, but the man said he was waiting to get saved. So, when Moses turned to me and said, 'hubiri' I felt like I was being burdened with the salvation of the man. I don't know how to do the Spiritual laws thing or all the other things that the experienced missioners share. I find it so mechanical. So I thought back to my own salvation and what it is that made me fall in love with Christ, and that is where I began. I prayed in my heart and began speaking... I don't know how long we were there, but I spoke from my heart and the Spirit just used me to talk to the man. By the way, it was all in Kiswahili. Although I know Kiswahili, those who know me know that I'm not the best at it. So, to me, being able to share like that with people was a feat that I can only have done by God's strength and grace. We were able to have a good conversation with the man, and though He did not get saved, I pray that God used me to plant a seed in him... One point thriving :) 

View from a small mound we climbed to watch the sunset after a long day collecting trash

Another activity I engaged in and loved was school ministry. I must confess; the truth is, at first I was a very grumpy sheep. The meetings were late to start and we did not know where we were supposed to go or what we were supposed to do until one man came yelling at us because we were late for highschool ministry. There was a lot of confusion about our orders which were mixed and coming from different people. To make things worse, one of the leaders is of that generation that think young people (especially women) should never question authority and should just do as they are told. We were only asking for clarification, but he overreacted and got angry and we got irritated, but finally, something in me just told me to shut up and do as I'm told. Because Isiolo has a large Islamic population, we were not to preach in the schools or mention God, but were there solely to teach lifeskills. We had strict instructions to only follow the material provided, but it was only provided to us in the car as we were rushed to the school. I was to teach Career Development but one look at the material told me I wouldn't be following it. It was filled with gender stereotypes. I kid you not, one point on it was that gender affects our career choices, and I quote, 'boys want to be engineers while girls want to be wives.' Way to crush girls' dreams people!!! Think what you may of me, but I actually stopped reading the material at that point. I have attended many career talks and have advised a number of young people and there are a million better ways to do it than their way, so we chose there and then to dismiss the material and just wing it. I went to 5 schools and taught Career Development, Sexuality and Peer Pressure. I put my all into those talks and was able to bond with a number of students. My biggest prayer was that I would be relevant to the young people and that God would use me to make a difference in their lives. Some of the schools were tough, but based on the students' feedback, I believe I made a difference. I was grumbling to my  mum about the disorder in which we were working and she essentially told me to get over it (in nicer words though lol). I was taken aback, but she had a point so I put aside my prissy indignation and decided to just dive in and do what I was told, go where I was needed and give the students my best. That actually freed me. I no longer harbored negative feelings for the yelling man, the angry driver or our confused supervisor. We were able to organize ourselves and after the first day, my supervisor wanted me in every school outing because I'd proved that I was doing a good job and giving my best. I have been blessed to have many wonderful people speak into my life and encourage me in my career and life. The few hours we had to interact with those students were opportunities to make a real difference in their lives. The power we had to impact their lives humbled me and prayer each time, was that God would use me to speak into their lives, to encourage them, teach them life lessons that no one had ever taught them, and to guide them towards a good future. 

View from Milimani Secondary School 

One school we went to particularly stole my heart. 60% of the students in the all girls' school get married immediately after their form four. The school was really worried about this statistic and had asked us to specifically come and speak into it. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not have an issue with marriage, but these girls often don't have a choice; they are pressured into it or feel that it is their lot in life. They are raised to believe that being a wife is all they can be or they feel that they cannot excel in any other field. When I talked to a class about it, they didn't really want to talk about it, yet when I asked what they wanted to do when they finished school, they all had career aspirations. Not one talked about a desire to get married. Given this information, how then was I to convey the message that they could be more and do more than their direct environment dictated? How could I, in an hour, make a difference in their lives and maybe prevent a few from being part of the statistic? I honestly don't know. I left my heart there, after having given my all in the few minutes we had. I left them my contacts and my only prayer is that I inspired a few to not just dream big, but to lay down the plans and work towards it. Each classroom I walked into, I walked in with God by my side. He somehow helped me come up with great lessons and illustrations that were even replicated by my colleagues in other schools... By God's grace, I believe I thrived... 

One of the many gorgeous sunsets... my poor camera doesn't do justice to the amazing reality... 

Since I am not perfect, I have to reveal my weaknesses here too... I did spend one day home sick with a stomach ache and one afternoon I went home early because I couldn't be bothered to stay for the debriefing sessions.... (Head now hanging in shame) One point survive :(  

For the sake of your eyes, I will try to keep this last bit short... On the first Saturday we arrived, we cleaned up the town and basically spent the day collecting trash, and walking about in the blazing heat. Somewhere towards the end, after having inhaled a lot of dust and smoke, an old lady came to me and for some reason, opened up to me. It was the oddest thing I have ever witnessed. She stopped me and talked and talked and talked. Her story is quite sad, and the whole time I was wondering why she'd been led to me. What could I do to help her situation? I had no money, I was extra exhausted and I didn't always understand what she was saying. A lesson that psychology taught me is that just listening is more than enough in some cases. I could go on and on about this point - perhaps in the next blog... but truth is, not many people know the art of listening. Sometimes people just need to be heard. So I stood there and listened to this old lady. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me that as a Christian I can do more than that. We have a wonderful Father who is always listening and ready to take up our burdens. So, I called my friend and together we lay all of the old lady's burdens at Jesus' feet and we prayed for healing for her injuries and ailments. As she walked away, she was smiling and it was like she was less burdened. The next Saturday we ran an impromptu kids day camp and God just came through for us. Once again I didn't know what to do but He gave me the words to speak and we had a great time with the lovely 2-5 year olds (although one peed on me /0o\ ). I'd say that's two points for thriving... :) 

Street Clean up day... (before) Photo Courtesy of Dj Riley the best DJ I know :) 

Basically, even though I didn't personally lead people to Christ, I experienced God's presence the entire time. I already talked about the gorgeous sunrises, sunsets and starry skies, but more than that, I saw God in so many more occasions. As soon as I pushed aside my pretentious attitude and embraced the mission, I felt God using me in many situations. I discovered a passion for mentoring young people that I never knew I had before. I did things that I had previously been afraid of and I faced every obstacle thrown my way. Isiolo was not easy. However, it's in those situations that God's power is so evident. There were days when I wanted to jump on the first matatu headed to Nairobi, but in the end, I really was sad to leave. I am humbled by the experience and grateful for the opportunity to have been a part of something so great. I learned to be humble and patient (very very patient). I learned to be a gracious visitor. I learned more about this Awesome God we serve and I saw that He can use us in any situation if we just trust Him. I will never get tired of learning just how powerless I am without Him. That really is how it's meant to be. I am completely dependent on Him in my work and I am okay with that. Relinquishing control to the one who Created me and is Sovereign over all is coming more naturally to me everyday. I learned a whole lot more, but let me end with the lesson that helped me surrender. It is not about me; IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. Over and over I felt God telling me that. God uses me despite my very many shortcomings because it is all about Him. It doesn't matter how scared or unworthy I feel; because it is all about Him, He always equips me to do His work. My work is to be like the moon, reflecting the Sun's powerful light. Isiolo is no longer some random place in the middle of nowhere; it is a town with a special place in my heart. I pray that I may be able to nurture the bonds that I made with some of the students and that God will use my words to guide them in the right direction. So.... did I simply survive? By God's grace, No. I thrived. Mission Accomplished!! 

Last afternoon walkabout. :) Photo courtesy of Maggie Green, my roommate and partner in crime

Once upon a starry night in Isiolo

l wasn't excited about the lsiolo mission, but neither was I dreading it. Truth is, I had been so preoccupied with all the preparations that I had no time to process my feelings about the journey. The first thing I thought of when I was told of the mission, was 'How are we going to raise the money we need?' And so the last two months were focussed on group support raising efforts. It wasn't an easy journey but somehow God surprised us at every corner, down to the very last day. Additionally,during the weeks leading up to it I was too swamped with deadlines to process the fact that l was going to spend 10 days in a foreign place. All I knew was that I was being taken out of my comfort zone and it was interfering with my work schedule. I registered it as 10 days of no productivity. I had no Idea where Isiolo was as I had never gotten past Nanyuki.  So on Wednesday night after handing in all my reports and responding to my emails, I started preparing for my oncoming trip. Usually missions creep me out and previously, I have avoided them. However, this time God gave me peace about it long before I asked for it and l was ready to leave as soon as I'd packed all my long dresses and scarves (one must be culturally sensitive).
On Thursday morning I woke up on time, got dressed at a leisurely pace and got to our departure destination on time. The journey was pleasant enough and we made good time. Our arrival set the pace for the rest of our stay; disorder and disorganization are the order of the day here. Truth is, we have encountered some very rude leaders who don't really think they need to explain themselves to women (young women at that). We have also encountered what seem like political agendas hidden in plain sight within our work. Some of my friends have faced tribalism from their hosts; the "Christians"who are meant to be taking care of them. The sun is hot, the place is dusty, and the wind is relentless. We've no running water, and^... one horrific word: "pit-latrines". 😢😭
You know what, though? All is well and I am great. I have a wonderful host family. As in, Cathy is the sweetest lady with a loving face, a generous heart and kind eyes. She has opened up her home to Maggie and I and made us feel welcome and cared for. Her daughter, Carol, has beenjust as loving to us as have the whole family. Seriously, my prayer is always that God would bless them greatly. Only He knows what they desire in their hearts and can grant it to them. Additionally, even through all this disorder, God isteaching me to be still and to dig past the chaos and see Him. lsiolo has beautiful hills and I have caught some amazing sunrises and sunsets. (If you know me well,you knew how much I love sunrises and sunsets; it's like this intimate expression of God's beauty that I am privy to... I don't know how to explain it better, but in EVERY sunrise and sunset I see God's beauty and splendour). On saturday, Maggie and I well walking home after a looooooooooong day ; we were exhausted, but we find ourselves up this mound enjoying the lovely view when we decided to sit and wait for the sunset. That time spent just taking in the view  (and tossing rocks at a random paperbag)  was extremely refreshing.
Additionally, the stars at night we beyond amazing. It has been a really long time since I saw that many stars in the sky. I could gaze at them forever (were it not for the chilly wind). How can anyone look up to such beauty and wonder, and not be drawn to know more about the one who created them? It brings to mind the verses about the Heavens declaringGod's majesty. They really all just shooting and singing His praises by just being. Do you think that that's the way we are meant to live? We think that evangelism is only about going to talk to (or more often than not to talk at) people. I sometimes wonder if we aren't meant to just shine. Let who we are and what we do speak for us. The other day I was reading about how when Moses had been talking with God, his face would glow with the glory of God. I'm not suggesting that we should have radiant faces, but shouldn't we be so filled with the Holy Spirit, so close with the Father, and so transformed by Jesus' salvation, that people can see it in us? We were challenged to go to teach at schools without talking about Jesus and God. At first it felt like a difficult task, but it really wasn't. We shouldn't have to tell people that we are Christians. It shouldjust shine through. It should be obvious when people see us and interact with us and see that there's something special about us. They shouldn't be shocked when they find out that we're christians. We all supposed to be the light of the earth. All light has to do is shine. If we really are a transferred people; if we really are a new creation, then it should be evident. People are supposed to wonder why we have this special quality.They should look at us and wonder what oursecret is; what is this powerful force that drives us? Why am we so loving and selfless? Where does this inexplicable, hope, joy and peace that we posses come from? Where do we get our value of excellence from? You see, these qualities should shine through us and lead people to seeking this 'secret' that we posess. Now that, to me, is true evangelism. So, here I am staring at millions of twinkling stars wondering how my life can be more like their dazzling light, silently shouting out God's praises, lighting the path for all I encounter..

Not so superwoman!!

Dear Dot, 

You are not Superwoman. You CANNOT do it all and you certainly have MANY flaws... 

Love, 

God 

This past week I felt like there were two Dots. There's the one many people see; the one that gets things done, the one that always has a solution to problems, and is always up for the challenge. Maggie calls her Thomas (the engine that could) and two others call her superwoman. This Dot is the leader of her team and was called to serve in three other planning committees. She's everywhere, knows a bit about everything; she selflessly serves and not much can get her down. She's clever and creative. She's often smiling and generally friendly. This Dot dreams big and is going to do great things and change the world for children. 

Then there's the other Dot. She's feeling overwhelmed by all the people looking up to her. She has so much on her plate that she's not sure she'll get anything done. She doubts that she really is qualified to serve. She has serious issues with self discipline (evidenced by the state of her room). She is terrible with names and gets overwhelmed by social interactions. She has a problem being assertive and she feels like she's forever on a balancing beam trying to juggle all the responsibilities thrust on her. She bears the burdens of her friends wondering when she will get to her own. She is always aware of her flaws and sometimes she just wishes that the other Dot would just tone down or take a break. You see Dot is always paying for Dot's actions.

Truth is, it's exhausting being Dot. It's also impossible to keep going at that pace on my own and it is a recipe for disaster. My automatic reaction in the past has always been to step up. If things get tough; just roll up your sleeves and work it out (then promptly go and collapse at home). It has always been the way I did things and the result was I was always left drained and exhausted after a period of intense activity. My best friend once told me that I need to slow down and I didn't get what he meant until today. It's important to throw yourself fully into things. It's perfectly acceptable to immerse yourself in your work or in loving your friends, but not if you're going to lose yourself in it. These past few weeks, I felt God telling me to slow down. I was doing it all wrong. I was trying to about His business without involving Him. What futility! 

Yesterday my friend was worried he was being too "Shpiri" (spiritual) because his reaction to most situations was prayer. I used to think like that. I used to think that people whose first reaction to obstacles was prayer were not being 'real'. I was of the school of thought that 'God helps those who help themselves' and 'Every man for himself and God for us all'. I have , however, found that line of thought does not fly for Christians. Working out Christianity is living by works and not by faith and that is a recipe for disaster. You see, we are called to live by faith. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Prov 3:5). 

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. (Prov 16:9)

For we live by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinth 5:7) 

Abraham tried to work out God's plans for him and the result was disastrous. What's worse is poor Ishmael and Hagar faced the consequences too. It's like I have to keep learning this lesson over and over because I keep resorting to doing it on my own. I remember coming out of one planning meeting wondering where in the world I would get the time to work on the extra tasks that had just been assigned to me and my first thought was 'I just need to prioritize and schedule my time better'. All I could think of was how I was going to solve that problem. My old habit of self reliance popped up quickly and the result was that I went home feeling overwhelmed. The problems piled up all evening and finally when I felt I really was in trouble I got on my knees and prayed hard. The next day my supervisor came to me and extended my deadlines and relieved me of some of my duties and I was reminded that God's grace really is sufficient for me. More and more these past few weeks I have found that my response to obstacles should first be prayer. Each time I have asked God for help He has come through for me and each time I have tried to do it on my own I have failed. As the tasks increase I am finding myself spending more time in prayer than before. Yes I do need to step up to face the obstacles, but I can't do it without God. I need to get to the point where my first reaction to problems is looking up. I used to think that those posters talking about how we are strongest on our knees were just corny, but you know what? They hold a lot of truth. God wasn't just kidding when He said that 
The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective...(James 5:16). Jesus called the Holy Spirit the Helper. God, is amazing. Not only did He come down to die on the cross for our sins, but He pours out His spirit to help us live up to the high standard that he called us to live up to. I thought that God was unfair for creating us as flawed humans and then expecting us to live up to his absurdly high standard of perfection, but in reality, He has given us the means to strive towards that standard of excellence. We are not thrown in the deep end and told to swim for our lives. Instead He's there with us, guiding us... So why would we try and do it on our own? 


I am a highly flawed human being. I am also quite blessed in many ways. The bible says that to those much is given, much is expected and the only way I can live up to those high expectations is with God's help. I am hopeless without Him and that is okay. It is meant to be that way because God fills in our gaps ...the people who know their God shall be strong and shall do great exploits (Daniel 11:32). So, in reality, I am the insecure, weak Dot but with God I am able to be Dot. I am glad I don't have to live up to an unrealistic standard. 
To those people who only see me as Dot, I wish you would see who I am without God's grace. I don't want to be a superstar. I don't want to be seen as invincible. I certainly don't want to be seen as super woman. I wish you would see the mere human I am and see God's marvelous work in me. I wish you would see what a mess I really am and was without God. I wish that you would see that it is God who keeps me going long after the point where I would have given up. I wish you would see that the reason I smile is that He gives me inexplicable joy and peace.  My superior, Andrew, advised me to show my weaknesses to my team and no one likes to be vulnerable, but I am going to try and do it this week. It's time I stopped showing only my best side and let others see me as I am. 

What's Wrong With Being A Martha?

Every so often as I read the bible I come across certain stories that just make me go "Huh? This writer must have misunderstood what the Holy Spirit told him to write!" I know you know what I am talking about. It's like I just don't get where God was going with some of His plans. Like the whole Abraham and Isaac thing? It totally escapes me. Usually I just skip those chapters and tell myself  "God is incomprehensible. Who am I to question His ways?" and most of the times it works. This last week, however, I couldn't get away with that. I had to teach some children the bible lesson and if I was going to do a good job, I had to really understand the lesson myself. The story is that of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). It's odd how those 5 verses can cause me such serious inner turmoil. I'm not kidding. I have struggled with this lesson since the first time I read it. 

At the Home of Martha and Mary
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

So, here's poor Martha. She's decided to host the Son of God in her house and of course He rarely walks alone, so let's say that at a minimum there's 13 people in her house that she has to cater to. She's slaving away in the kitchen while her sister just chills with the guests. Martha, girl, I FEEL YOU! Anyway, Martha decides to ask Jesus to side with her and He instead commends Mary????? If I were Martha, they'd have had to get a doctor to come reattach my dropped jaw. Whaat? I'd have been like, Say whaaaaaaat? 

I recently came to the conclusion that people are either Marys or Marthas. Marys are social butterflies and Marthas are the doers. We are the ones working in the background making sure everything runs smoothly. We get things done and run ourselves rugged trying to cater to other people's needs. We are efficient and practical. Most importantly, we do not get Marys. We feel that Marys are flitty little things who get away with not doing any of the work. Now, I know I'm completely making inferrences on the two ladies' characters based on 5 verses, but this has been my experience. Marthas hate having to work with Marys because Marys are way too busy laughing with the guests to refill the tea urn or collect dirty dishes. All the Marthas put there, I know you get me! How now, can it be that Jesus sided with Mary? If you are like me, you have been raised to be a good dutiful african daughter. That means when you check into a party, you greet people and then head straight to the kitchen to help the hostess with her work. It means that you do not sit with the guests if there is still work to be done. So to me, it's like Jesus was rebuking my culture too. 

Well, the other day I found myself in the Mary and Martha situation. We were at aconference and, long story short, I was part of the hospitality team. As a consequence of many things going wrong, our team was short staffed and had to do everything including washing 600 dishes (yeah... ). Well, I found myself in the kitchen, in my lovely dress, elbow deep in dish washing water. It was a huge task, but I'm a Martha and so were some of my friends, so of course we got it all done. We were exhausted in the end but we had done it! The next day the situation was no better and half way through the day I remember looking around me and wondering where my three workmates were. Looking back I realised that in the past day and that day, they were only present during the serving times and then they would disappear into the conference. What nerve! Who did they think they were leaving us to slave away in the kitchen? My inner Martha was disgusted and felt used. Did they think they were too good to deal with clearing up and washing up? My thoughts went on and on along those lines. It was at that time that I remembered the lesson that I was meant to teach the children; they are Marys. It hit me really hard. 

I was confronted with the reality of the situation at the end of the conference because I had not heard a single full lecture and had missed out on some great speeches. I had literally been to distracted to listen to Jesus. I had missed out on some spiritual nourishment and maybe failed to learn an important lesson. What a pity. I finally understood what is so wrong about being a Martha. I finally understood that Jesus calls us to listen to Him. Can you imagine that the King of Kings was here on earth and Martha missed out on interacting with him because she was in the kitchen! He was in her house and she was too busy to listen to the Son of God. What a serious pity. I don't know how to be a Mary and I realise that that's how I burnt out a few years ago. I was too distracted by all the service needs to sit down and get my spiritual nourishment. 

Dear Marthas, I am new to this whole 'sit down and listen' thing, so I don't know how to do it, but we really do need to stop running around. It's not about being a good dutiful African daughter; you can go on helping the hostess at parties. However, when it comes to listening to God's word, BE STILL and enjoy His presence. We need to learn to ignore the dirty dishes; they can wait. The world will still revolve when you stop fixing all the problems. We are great as Marthas, but we do need to learn to be more like Mary. We Marthas are gifted with selflessness and service to others, but we forget to meet with the one who gave us those gifts. We neglect Him in our rush to save the world. 

I'm glad I finally understood that lesson and I am not sure where to start when it comes to practicing it, but I am going to try to do so. For the sake of my relationship with God, I will put other distractions behind me. After all, He is the one who gives me strength to keep doing what I'm good at doing.