Beneath the beautiful

Well, this is a post I've wanted to write for several years now. I never had the courage to do so, neither have I ever found the right angle to tackle it from . It's just one of those things that are so close to the heart that you don't want to be misunderstood. It all started with a post by Eve, sharing Colbie Caillat's Try .  

"Put your make-up on

Get your nails done

Curl your hair

Run the extra mile

Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on

Don't be shy, girl

Take it off

This is what you want, to belong, so they like you

Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to, give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing"

On Saturday my colleague, called me aside and asked me advise on a certain situation. She wanted to know how to counsel a teenage girl who was suffering from depression stemming from her low self esteem because she was teased about her size.... As she spoke, all the I pushed aside came rushing back. I'd been on that journey, and perhaps am still on it. Not so long ago I was in her shoes. I despised the person I saw in the mirror and believed what the world had to told me about my looks. From plump, to large, big, obese, oversize, fat, huge, curvy, big boned, thick or the latest one- plus size, I've been called all of these and more from when I was young. It came from 'well meaning people', mean schoolmates, friends, relatives who thought they were being funny, frustrated tailors and strangers. I can't count the number of tears I've cried over the years because of all the hurtful, mean, painful, 'jokes' or statements from countless people. I've been told I was lazy, I've had diets suggested to me and I've been told that I have a pretty face; I'd be beautiful if I lost some weight. Now, I know that kids are mean and they don't always know how hurtful they are being, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. And the 'sticks and stones' thing we tell ourselves does nothing to help that hurt. Then there's the adults. They SHOULD KNOW BETTER! Don't make cute little quips about children's size! Don't joke about how chubby they are! You're only adding to the piles of mean comments that child has faced and will continue to face. I think I tried to diet from as young as 8. I slept on the bottom bunk of a double decker bed so I would write all my plans to lose weight on the top bunk. Every time I failed I tried something else. I tried to starve myself and I even tried to make myself throw up. It was a happy solution at first but I soon lost my gag reflex. (I laugh now that I even failed at being bulimic, but back then, it was another thing to add to the list of my failures.) We had countless talks in school about self esteem, but all I got from it was that you shouldn't let people know you have low self esteem. So I learned from a young age to package my 'ugly' body well. After puberty hit, I wasn't much better off. The difference was that the fat had redistributed itself and now people called me 'curvy'. Men objectified me and I was little more than a big butt (is that the most polite term for it? oh well...) So post puberty didn't really do much better for me. I was either the object of unwanted horrid attention (catcalls are the most humiliating thing in the world) or the object of ridicule. I could never do anything right. It wasn't that I was unhealthy. I played basketball and swam from primary school and was even the games captain in highschool. I have been a dancer n choreographer, I have tried pilates, aerobics, zumba, cycling, walking, jogging and had several gym memberships. I have climbed mount Kenya and I have won awards for dance, yet people still choose to see me as a lazy person. I never once believed a single compliment from anyone was genuine. I figured they were only impressed by my ability to hide my flaws in my clothes and as for guys, they were only after me for my body. So for about 20 years I loathed the body I was trapped in but I would never have admitted it to anyone. I figured I'd fake my confidence till the day I actually had it...

As I tried to answer my co-worker on how she should counsel that teenager, I wondered what would

possibly have helped me not so long ago. Would anyone's words have pulled me out of that pit of self-hate that I had lived in for so long? Would any number of mental exercises have made me see that I was more than what the world thought of me? Would it have made a difference when I was sticking my tongue down my throat or cutting my wrists? I don't know. What I do know is that it is pretty obvious that we have a problem. I discovered this new world of 'plus size' fashion, literature and magazines that seems to be based on making big (is that the politically correct term?) women/girls appreciate their bodies. It tries to fight body shaming and while you do find a lot of hate towards 'skinny b****', it lets people of my size (lol seriously, what term should I use?) to appreciate themselves. It's not just that. African women in all continents are only just embracing their natural hair in a huge movement. There is a sudden flux of feel good art, poetry and music centering on appreciating who you are. In extreme cases the new movement feel superior to their 'oppressors' (e.g the skinny b****s references or natural hair girls judging women with relaxed hair)... There's a lot of body positive messages out there, and what that tells me is people are realizing how serious the problem. However, one thing that is common is that they are all trying to convince people that they are beautiful. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone is beautiful, but they get it wrong. As much as it is good to have images in the media representing what real women look like, the truth is believing you are beautiful doesn't change your inside. It wasn't until I let God transform my heart that I finally stopped fighting with my outward appearance.

I know the whole inner beauty thing is a bit very cliche, but it is true. Beyonce is a gorgeous lady to many, but truth is her inside is rotten and you can see it in her most recent album. Behind that bootylicious, curvy confident goddess image that she puts forth, you can see that her identity is tied to her looks and she is desperate for the approval of the world. Just take a good look at her videos and listen to her lyrics. You'll see a girl who would fall apart if she ever lost her worshipped 'booty'. No amount of fame, gyming, squats, sit ups and styling will make you better on the inside. Only God can fix our insides. There's a peace, joy and beauty that only comes from communing with God. Make up and expensive weaves will only cover up so much. Everyone knows it. Just go to the club and you'll see how badly people want to fill that empty space in their hearts. It's why Caro is twerking and grinding because she thinks that makes her attractive. It's why Shiku moves from one bad relationship to another. It's why Yvonne plies on the make up heavily and has her cleavage out on display. Low self esteem is why Faith is stuck in an abusive relationship. It's why I only played games and manipulated guys, never letting them get close to me. It is why so many women die from botched plastic surgery. We go about trying to gain approval from a fickle audience that will never appreciate us. We starve, fight and spend so much money trying to chase beauty. We kill ourselves trying to match up to unrealistic standards. It's a never ending race that only ends when we die. 

To that young girl struggling with loving herself. To younger me and millions of young women my age or older, I wish you would realize that you are truly never going to win. The track you are on will NEVER let up. You will never catch a break. You will never be beautiful enough or pretty enough, thin enough or curvy enough. You will never be okay with the person you see in the mirror. You will never stop seeking the approval of others. Not until you truly surrender yourself to God. He will change you from the inside. He will help you learn to appreciate the body He put you in. He will help you stop chasing after unrealistic standards. He will give you new eyes with which to look at yourself and others. He will teach you to love Him, yourself and others. He will give you a companion who will love you as you should be loved. He will help you stop chasing after men's approval. He will give you all those qualities which shine from the inside giving you a glow no amount of age defying cream will produce. He will put that spring in your step, give you that graceful walk that no amount of coaching could produce. I smile a lot. I was born smiling, but somewhere along the way that smile changed. But now, I smile more because I have known depression. God will give you a sparkle in your eyes that can only come from joy; He'll give you a genuine smile that can only come from knowing peace and hope. Yes, the therapy and body positive exercises will help, but in the end only God can truly solve this monumental problem. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, dare to take that journey with God. You've spent so much money and yet you still cry yourself to sleep; you are afraid of the bathroom scale, or you avoid the mirror. Give God a chance. I did, in 2011 and I never regretted it. Drop me an inbox, email or take me for coffee and I'll tell you more about that incredible journey. Mary Mary summarize my points well in 'God in me'. 

*This is not a 'woe is me' 'i had a tough childhood' post. It is just part of my journey that I hope will help someone else out there. So no 'woiye's for me. Oh and yes, the title is inspired by the song by Larbinth and Emeli Sande 'Beneath you beautiful' (looove the song) 

Chaos and juggling don't always go together

Review the camp curriculum, review the budget, locate the gifts, write the reports, follow up on dance class, deal with angry parents, work on the presentation, do the event proposal, work on the dissertation article, do laundry, tidy room, write to ministry supporters, catch up with the friends, exercise, get some rest, read books for the book report, plug-in and d-group, handle that crisis, have quiet time, follow up on parenting class,  respond to snail mail, emails and inboxes.... breathe! No, I haven't go time for that....  

Last week should have been the most relaxed week ever. I had three days of R'n'R after Isiolo during which I caught up with some friends and tried to bring some order into my life. I deliberately chose not to even think about work during those three days because I had realized that my social life was suffering as a result of my busy lifestyle. So, for three days I woke up late, did my laundry, tidied up, wrote letters, caught up with friends and generally was feeling very zen. I soon realized that I couldn't possibly meet with everyone I needed to at once, but that was okay. I was, after all, supposed to be resting. I told myself I could finish catching up later... That's how Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went. I was happy, I was relaxed and I was pretty chilled. Well, that was until Wednesday night when I remembered that I have to go back to work on Thursday. I lay awake in bed for an hour, my head as busy as a hornet of bees buzzing with all the work I had to do as soon as I got back. I have so many deadlines due and so little time to do them! Of course failure is not an option and giving up is for the weak. The chaos in my head was about to spin out of control and before my brain could convince my body to get up and start on some of the work, I talked myself into falling asleep. Thursday morning came and the first thing I did when I got to the office was to panic because of the enormity of the tasks that lay before me. I allowed myself two minutes of paralysis from fear before I sat down to make my to-do list. I organised my tasks and broke them down into manageable bits and by the time I was done with that I was ready to take on the day (well, that good feeling lasted about 3 minutes till the power went out.) *Cue second panic. I decided to just talk to all the people I needed to and then to go work from elsewhere. After all, standing around catching up with people or just complaining about the power outage wasn't going to reduce the size of my to-do list. I had quite the productive morning but by 11 am I was ready to pull out my hair. By Thursday afternoon I was wondering why I was still in the internship, and by the time I got home on Friday I was wondering what I was doing with my life. One thing was clear, though, I had bitten off more than I could chew. 

The last month or so I have been assigned task after task and they just kept piling up; they were coming in faster than I could clear them up. I was given responsibilities that I had not sought after and my shoulders stooped more and more each day as the burdens increased. My friends have told me that sometimes I am too nice and I should learn to say no. The first one I ignored, but when several more talked about it at different occasions, I figured, perhaps they have a point. I have a tendency to run myself ragged in order to get tasks done. I took on extra courses in my undergrad, took part in extra curricular activities and was working in an internship all at once. Maybe I have a superwoman complex and it is not sustainable. I am just THAT CHIC. :) At work I get things done and because my superiors have seen this I am assigned more work. Now, that is all well and good. I cannot complain because God has helped me get a lot of things done. I seriously don't know how I could have done any of those things without him. However, that only goes so far. Someone once said that,"If you are too busy to have a prayer life and quiet time, then you are busier than God wants you to be." A while back I would have laughed at the concept because I am a 'get it done' type of person, but now I see the truth in those words. When you find yourself juggling too many things, something will eventually give; you'll drop a ball and sometimes it's the most important ball. That day came for me this week and I had to face the fact that it is all too much. I dropped the QT ball and I dropped the dance class ball. Now, the QT ball is generally what fuels my life. I do not have a single hope of accomplishing anything without God. He is the one that gives me creativity, wisdom, and the drive to keep going. So, I was running on an empty tank for part of the week and I felt the difference. The little things got to me easily and I was frustrated and tired way too often.  I can excuse away the dance class thing because the task had been handed to me as a mess, but if I had had the time to work on it, then it wouldn't have gone on so muddled up. 

The other day someone was talking about not taking work home and I just laughed. What do you mean leave your work at home??? When will anything ever get done? I know, I know about that whole work-life balance but honestly, when I have about 6 hrs of time to actually work during the week, then work just has to get taken home. But you know what has happened? Then I am too tired to get other little things done. That's how I end up with piles of laundry and friends who are upset at me because it takes so long for me to respond to texts. Balls have been dropped and it's time I realize that my system is flawed. I had just picked up a new hobby but being at work on Saturday at 6 killed that dream. So what can I do? My system is flawed and as much as I want to get things done, I am failing in too many areas. I had to get to a point where I realized that doing few things excellently is better than doing many things in mediocrity. I realized this a month ago over coffee with my bff and I decided to start making changes. I decided to stop being a snob at home by getting home and going straight to my room to blackout/work, and to instead sit with my parents for a while. I set aside time to see my friends and time for my QT. One of the biggest ironies of working in a church is that I don't really get to go to church. I felt it affecting my spiritual life because praise n worship has a special place in my heart. I feel like I am missing out on something very important and the DVDs they give us don't cut it. I tried skipping off in my free breaks to catch bits of the sermon but that's not so effective. Yesterday I attended an evening service at another church and I think I may have found my solution. For the perfectionist, life can be very very frustrating. There are too many variables that we can't control and too many opportunities for failure. Learning to keep calm and saying the serenity prayer over n over can only take you so far. The life of a perfectionist is thus one of constant anger and disappointment. However, I am learning to keep calm. Only God's peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding is sufficient for me. I read on one blog by RELEVANT Magazine, that, 

"Life is not about finding the perfect balance, but about perfecting balancing." 

Those words completely change my outlook in life. There is no such thing as the perfect balance. Every time you find the 'perfect balance' the variables change. And that is okay because life is dynamic and always changing (change is the only constant in life... well except God). Therefore, I don't have to work on this perfect fomula to life; one hour of QT + 30 minutes exercise + 5 hours of work + 2 hrs reading + 8 hours of sleep= Happy me. It will always change and I just have to learn to change with it. I have to learn to keep working on my balancing act knowing that it shall go on all my life until the final curtain falls. I have to acknowledge that and be okay with it. I am great at anticipating the challenges and changes and flowing with them, but I REALLY REALLY have to learn to say no. I have purposed to learn how to say no and I even enlisted the help of a few friends to keep me accountable. Saying no, especially to my superiors, is incredibly hard for me, but this weekend I had an opportunity to do so and I respectfully withdrew myself from work that is out of my Job Description and you know what? All went well. I spent the afternoon with my sister and friends visiting a children's home and the world did not come crashing down because I wan't at work :) YAY me for saying no! I mentioned it to some colleagues and they recommended the book 'Boundaries' by Cloud & Townsend and that is the latest book in my library. I am completely dedicated to trying to being better; a better friend, a better employee, a better person, a better daughter n sister, and I truly think that learning how and when to use this two letter word will make a difference. I will try and pick up a hobby once more and to exercise more and to be faithful in my QT.  I can't promise to stop taking work home (that's just ridiculous and I would be lying to myself) but I can try to make more time for family and for recreation and resting. Fortunately, I have my whole life to perfect this 'balancing' act. No pressure :) 

I didn't survive Isiolo

*Warning* Long post ahead :) but totally worth the read.... I'll intersperse photos of Isiolo to keep your eyes from getting bored.... 

It's been 11 days and I'm back at home for a few days' RnR; the perfect time for me to sit down and reflect on the mission. When I was leaving for the Isiolo mission, I had only one requirement of myself; Don't just survive. I wanted to engage wholly and to challenge myself; to thrive, not survive. Even though I would be out of my confort zone and in an entirely new environment doing something that didn't come naturally, to me, I wanted to shine. So now that it has come to an end, I can ask myself, 'did I survive or did I thrive?'. 

Truth is, when I took the spiritual gifts test, evangelism was my lowest score (1) and it has been something I struggle with (and in some cases, completely avoid). I feel that it is a completely unnatural way of witnessing to people and I struggle with the concept of just approaching random strangers and sort of "attacking them with the gospel" (do we really want to scare people into Heaven?)  I also can be extremely awkward in such situations. How then can I hope to excel in the context of a mission? 

Sunrise from my host family's house. I woke up to a beautiful red sun every day.

I did not win any souls to Christ. I did not experience/witness any Holy-Ghost-Fire-Demon-Casting and I certainly did not get persecuted for trying to preach the gospel as was the case of a friend of mine who had to run from a crowd that was about to attack them.... Actually, I only participated in door-to-door evangelism one and a half mornings. It seems these are the markers of a mission as these were the things we were celebrating in our report meetings. So, then, was I unsuccessful in my mission? If we are to judge solely by number of people I personally evangelized to and the number of souls won for Christ, then I am a complete failure. However, that is not the standard by which I choose to asses this situation. 

My only question was, did I survive or thrive? During the door-to-door evangelism, we were put in a small group composed of a local missioner, Maggie (who doesn't speak Kiswahili) and one other young girl from Isiolo town. Moses, our local missioner took us round a section of a small town outside of Isiolo, where we had two objectives: preach to those who aren't saved, and encourage those who we encounter that are saved. Now, here I am walking in the heat, being beaten by the wind and dust, being asked to do something I have NEVER done before. I was very tempted to just be a pain and remain silent through out, but instead I prayed to God. Every step we took, I was praying and each time His response was, 'I will give you the words'. My heart was working overtime and each time we saw a gate, I held my breath. The first few times, we didn't find anyone, but at last, we found a man home. Moses introduced us and then just turned to me and said, 'Hubiri' (preach). After a short awkward exchange, the man sort of transferred us to the care of his wife who invited us in and gave us the most deliciously sweet and juicy watermelon ever! It was fresh from her shamba. Her hospitality was just amazing and we soon discovered that she is a christian. So, Moses turned to me and said, 'mtie moyo' (encourage her)... After a short freak out in my head and a prayer, I opened my mouth and God literally just took over. We shared for a little while, blessed her home and left. That was an amazing encounter for me. It just gave me the courage to keep going. The next place we arrived at was not so welcoming but the first encounter gave us grace to continue. We could all see that the people there were making fun of us, but when Moses turned to me and asked me to take over, God once again gave me the words to speak. We didn't stay long though. The last place we stopped at was a farm belonging to this couple. The woman was saved, but the man said he was waiting to get saved. So, when Moses turned to me and said, 'hubiri' I felt like I was being burdened with the salvation of the man. I don't know how to do the Spiritual laws thing or all the other things that the experienced missioners share. I find it so mechanical. So I thought back to my own salvation and what it is that made me fall in love with Christ, and that is where I began. I prayed in my heart and began speaking... I don't know how long we were there, but I spoke from my heart and the Spirit just used me to talk to the man. By the way, it was all in Kiswahili. Although I know Kiswahili, those who know me know that I'm not the best at it. So, to me, being able to share like that with people was a feat that I can only have done by God's strength and grace. We were able to have a good conversation with the man, and though He did not get saved, I pray that God used me to plant a seed in him... One point thriving :) 

View from a small mound we climbed to watch the sunset after a long day collecting trash

Another activity I engaged in and loved was school ministry. I must confess; the truth is, at first I was a very grumpy sheep. The meetings were late to start and we did not know where we were supposed to go or what we were supposed to do until one man came yelling at us because we were late for highschool ministry. There was a lot of confusion about our orders which were mixed and coming from different people. To make things worse, one of the leaders is of that generation that think young people (especially women) should never question authority and should just do as they are told. We were only asking for clarification, but he overreacted and got angry and we got irritated, but finally, something in me just told me to shut up and do as I'm told. Because Isiolo has a large Islamic population, we were not to preach in the schools or mention God, but were there solely to teach lifeskills. We had strict instructions to only follow the material provided, but it was only provided to us in the car as we were rushed to the school. I was to teach Career Development but one look at the material told me I wouldn't be following it. It was filled with gender stereotypes. I kid you not, one point on it was that gender affects our career choices, and I quote, 'boys want to be engineers while girls want to be wives.' Way to crush girls' dreams people!!! Think what you may of me, but I actually stopped reading the material at that point. I have attended many career talks and have advised a number of young people and there are a million better ways to do it than their way, so we chose there and then to dismiss the material and just wing it. I went to 5 schools and taught Career Development, Sexuality and Peer Pressure. I put my all into those talks and was able to bond with a number of students. My biggest prayer was that I would be relevant to the young people and that God would use me to make a difference in their lives. Some of the schools were tough, but based on the students' feedback, I believe I made a difference. I was grumbling to my  mum about the disorder in which we were working and she essentially told me to get over it (in nicer words though lol). I was taken aback, but she had a point so I put aside my prissy indignation and decided to just dive in and do what I was told, go where I was needed and give the students my best. That actually freed me. I no longer harbored negative feelings for the yelling man, the angry driver or our confused supervisor. We were able to organize ourselves and after the first day, my supervisor wanted me in every school outing because I'd proved that I was doing a good job and giving my best. I have been blessed to have many wonderful people speak into my life and encourage me in my career and life. The few hours we had to interact with those students were opportunities to make a real difference in their lives. The power we had to impact their lives humbled me and prayer each time, was that God would use me to speak into their lives, to encourage them, teach them life lessons that no one had ever taught them, and to guide them towards a good future. 

View from Milimani Secondary School 

One school we went to particularly stole my heart. 60% of the students in the all girls' school get married immediately after their form four. The school was really worried about this statistic and had asked us to specifically come and speak into it. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not have an issue with marriage, but these girls often don't have a choice; they are pressured into it or feel that it is their lot in life. They are raised to believe that being a wife is all they can be or they feel that they cannot excel in any other field. When I talked to a class about it, they didn't really want to talk about it, yet when I asked what they wanted to do when they finished school, they all had career aspirations. Not one talked about a desire to get married. Given this information, how then was I to convey the message that they could be more and do more than their direct environment dictated? How could I, in an hour, make a difference in their lives and maybe prevent a few from being part of the statistic? I honestly don't know. I left my heart there, after having given my all in the few minutes we had. I left them my contacts and my only prayer is that I inspired a few to not just dream big, but to lay down the plans and work towards it. Each classroom I walked into, I walked in with God by my side. He somehow helped me come up with great lessons and illustrations that were even replicated by my colleagues in other schools... By God's grace, I believe I thrived... 

One of the many gorgeous sunsets... my poor camera doesn't do justice to the amazing reality... 

Since I am not perfect, I have to reveal my weaknesses here too... I did spend one day home sick with a stomach ache and one afternoon I went home early because I couldn't be bothered to stay for the debriefing sessions.... (Head now hanging in shame) One point survive :(  

For the sake of your eyes, I will try to keep this last bit short... On the first Saturday we arrived, we cleaned up the town and basically spent the day collecting trash, and walking about in the blazing heat. Somewhere towards the end, after having inhaled a lot of dust and smoke, an old lady came to me and for some reason, opened up to me. It was the oddest thing I have ever witnessed. She stopped me and talked and talked and talked. Her story is quite sad, and the whole time I was wondering why she'd been led to me. What could I do to help her situation? I had no money, I was extra exhausted and I didn't always understand what she was saying. A lesson that psychology taught me is that just listening is more than enough in some cases. I could go on and on about this point - perhaps in the next blog... but truth is, not many people know the art of listening. Sometimes people just need to be heard. So I stood there and listened to this old lady. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me that as a Christian I can do more than that. We have a wonderful Father who is always listening and ready to take up our burdens. So, I called my friend and together we lay all of the old lady's burdens at Jesus' feet and we prayed for healing for her injuries and ailments. As she walked away, she was smiling and it was like she was less burdened. The next Saturday we ran an impromptu kids day camp and God just came through for us. Once again I didn't know what to do but He gave me the words to speak and we had a great time with the lovely 2-5 year olds (although one peed on me /0o\ ). I'd say that's two points for thriving... :) 

Street Clean up day... (before) Photo Courtesy of Dj Riley the best DJ I know :) 

Basically, even though I didn't personally lead people to Christ, I experienced God's presence the entire time. I already talked about the gorgeous sunrises, sunsets and starry skies, but more than that, I saw God in so many more occasions. As soon as I pushed aside my pretentious attitude and embraced the mission, I felt God using me in many situations. I discovered a passion for mentoring young people that I never knew I had before. I did things that I had previously been afraid of and I faced every obstacle thrown my way. Isiolo was not easy. However, it's in those situations that God's power is so evident. There were days when I wanted to jump on the first matatu headed to Nairobi, but in the end, I really was sad to leave. I am humbled by the experience and grateful for the opportunity to have been a part of something so great. I learned to be humble and patient (very very patient). I learned to be a gracious visitor. I learned more about this Awesome God we serve and I saw that He can use us in any situation if we just trust Him. I will never get tired of learning just how powerless I am without Him. That really is how it's meant to be. I am completely dependent on Him in my work and I am okay with that. Relinquishing control to the one who Created me and is Sovereign over all is coming more naturally to me everyday. I learned a whole lot more, but let me end with the lesson that helped me surrender. It is not about me; IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. Over and over I felt God telling me that. God uses me despite my very many shortcomings because it is all about Him. It doesn't matter how scared or unworthy I feel; because it is all about Him, He always equips me to do His work. My work is to be like the moon, reflecting the Sun's powerful light. Isiolo is no longer some random place in the middle of nowhere; it is a town with a special place in my heart. I pray that I may be able to nurture the bonds that I made with some of the students and that God will use my words to guide them in the right direction. So.... did I simply survive? By God's grace, No. I thrived. Mission Accomplished!! 

Last afternoon walkabout. :) Photo courtesy of Maggie Green, my roommate and partner in crime