Well, there's an odd turn of events (not really) ; I was thinking of the scars on my face and they got me thinking of the scars that we have and carry around. There are so many different scars, each with their own little stories; some great, some funny, some random and others that are only whispered to the ears of a loved one in the stillness of the night.
You know, scars that are physical hurt immediatley because we have pain receptors (nerves) and we watch them heal. Even more important to note, is that often the cause of the scar (whether external or internal ) is aware of making the scar- aware of the hurt they cause (or, you know, you tell them off for it) but the main thing is awareness.
I have a scar on my left eyebrow that was formed when I was like 8 and playing tip n tip (tag) and I hit the edge of a table and had to gt stitches done. It has healed and I'd forgoten it until last year when I tweezed my eyebrows for the first time.. WHAAAAT! the PAIN. And it made me think, we walk around with scars and we forget that they existed and that there was a part of us long ago that hurt so much we never thought it would end. we walk around thinking all is okay but we never did heal completley and when someone comes around to touching that side of us that once hurt so much, we're shocked by the way we react.
I have amother scar on the left side of my face. It is only apparent as a slightly darker shade of skin. But 2011 April half of my face had been scraped off at sea while I played with a friend. A wave had tossed us and I would have ridden it safely had he not been holding my hand thus dragging me down with him, causing me to scrape my head on the sea floor (I know only I would find such odd ways of getting hurt ) but he never knew he was the reason I got hurt and walked around with a scarf on my face for 3 months. well, that's how life is. There are times when we are hurt deeply by a person who is completely unaware of the damage they've caused us and we silently curse them or resent them, yet we do the same. We too leave scars in other people. We hurt them more than we'll ever know with our actions & inactions, with our words; we just keep hurting others and we go on with life unaware that we have people walking about with scars bearing our names. and what's worst is that often it's the ones we love that we hurt so deeply. It may not make sense that it takes a thousand little painstakingly placed pieces to build a relationship and life but just one careless mistake to break it down, but it's like playing Jenga or like a house of cards.
Especially hurting, is an inaction. Action is motivated and has reason so if I was hurt by reason I would be closer to understanding. However, inaction, being hurt by what someone didn't do, it hurts more to me. Inaction is passiveness, it's lazyness, it's lack of care and it is cowardly. I'd rather have someone fighting for me or against me but never just watching me.
Back to scars.. My final scar or old wound is in my neck.(I have many more but those are a long story)... In my final year of highschool I got hurt when the driver applied emergency breaks and I hadn't belted up. I hurt it so bad I couldn't turn for a week.Well, recently (okay it was last year) whip my hair played on the radio and I decided to whip my hair like the mad girl I am. Well, I had my fun until I went to bed and woke up the next day unable to move my head for a few days... It turns out that I never really healed. Lesson learnt; thou shalt NOT whip thy hair back and forth, neither shalt thou bang thy head.
You know we are never the same after we get our scars. We are left with a dull ache and bitterness. We change our habits ever so little . Imagine a ship that has a 1 degree shift to the right, in a cretain number of days it will have moved in a complete circle. That is how scars leave us. We change our actions subconciously and we need to be aware of the change otherwise we are letting hurt control our actions and that is never a good thing.
We are good at caring for our physical wounds- we bandage them and let them turn into scars. but our emotional hurts , we cover them up. Imagine if everytime you get hurt you put a bandage and forget about the wound then you one day give your hurt to a person, well, what would they find? festering wounds.. YUCK! I know, but that's how we live. We need to let these things heal, give them air; let them become just another funny story you swap with friends as you laugh at the past as opposed to them being a bitter painful secret to be shared on a long night after a few bottles of gin and shots of vodka to numb the pain.
I know that my face is wierd with it's assortment of scars (7 at last count) but it's way better than an assortment of wounds. the same goes for my hurt. Celebrate your scars, they are a unique part of your story that says that you have survived, not just existed.
Tuesday 4 October 2011
Monday 3 October 2011
Voices in my head
I have no idea how many people spend as much time inside their own heads as much as I do. And I think as much as I am healthy (or so I am think), it's time to recognize that the real world is where I should spend my time. For real, I tend to think that this is how people go 'crazy' , so to say, (Yes I know that isn't the politically correct word for it but.. you know what I mean...
as in, I used to say, and still say, and still feel to an extent, that the schizophrenics and dellsional, must be some of the happiest people on earth.
WAit, let me explain...It's true, just think about it, they have created an ideal world for themselves and they would rather live in that world. Well, I sometimes envy them for it. By the way, I do acknowledge that sometimes this world they've subconciously created can be bad and they can not escape it and to those people, my heart goes out to them. However, the romanticism of it all is my idea of perfection (getting to live in a world that you created). And I know just how good it can get in my head :)
I know I'm not the only one who does this, but I sometimes play out how a conversation with someone will fo. Especially during times when it's a 'we need to talk' moment. I feel the need to find a perfect conversation and I go over it until it's perfect in my head (both sides). Then reality checks in when we have the actual conversation and things go differntly from my plans and I get upset or rather, I get offput by it all. How sad.. I actually get shocked at how differently things end.
ANother instance of my being in my head is when I'm about to do something spontaneaous or even normanl. Eg, I'll be walking down staris like a normal person would, when I feel like jumping down the last few steps. Immediatly my mind plays this slide shows of several different ways that that can go wrong. like I fall on my face, I break a limb, I have to walk in a cast, the list goes on and on.. or When I'm walking with a cup of hot coffee, I always imagine myself spilling the coffee down my front as I stumble and fall and burn my face with hot coffee... things like that.. As in, in my head I've fallen like a thousand different ways in as many positions and locations and in real life, well, if I had a shilling for each time, I'd probably be able to buy a 5 bob coin :)
As in, even something simple as a kiss, do other chics worry that the lip balm will be annoying to the dude? haha sillyness galore!
Oh and when I'm talking to someone, yeah, still in my head, talk about multitasking. I sometimes end up losing my train of thought because I was busy thinking when I was talking. It's ashaming. I even stop suddenly because the audience of me in my head is tired of listening to my voice. Heck I think I've broken some sort of record with being all up in your own head.
Yes, I think it's normal to have an inner voice that reads out whatever I am reading. BUt I'm changing. I seem to have reduced the number of times I retreat into my inner sanctum in public and I'm proud of that, but whaaaat, I just need to get over this obsession with life in my head and just live a little. I have always (since Jan 2011) been an advocate for living in the present (the now) and I think that in order to truly enjoy the moment, I can't have my inner voice tinkering and yelling at me all the time.
Heck, I should probably stop reversing time in my head and replaying conversations in order to decipher hidden meanings or to think of things I should have done.. I probably didn't do them because this inner voice convinced me it was a bad idea...
You know, inactions are the things I regret most. It's never what I did (read previous post) but what I failed to do when I had the opportunity that is a pain in my memories. I guess I should train this inner voice to stop doubting and asking 'why' all the time. I resolved to be a 'whynot' kind of girl. So far, that's the best question that I can come up with. That and 'what's the worst thing that could happen anyway?' Yeah that one really helps me just take the leap, be it jumping into the pool with my clothes on, telling my parents I love them or just applying for an internship at my dream organization (which incidentaly I got :) ..
You know, it often is never that serious as we make situations seem. I recognize the need to ask 'why?' in some serious situations but if the worst outcome is a bruised ego or a few bumps and bruises verses a great few seconds, a wonderful experience or a lesson to learn, well it's just plain stupidity and cowardice to let that voice hold me back, isn't it? Of course it is.
Well, I know I will never completley out of my own head; that is just part of who I am, but I can learn to slow down some of the multi-tasking, lay off the melodramatic meltdowns when the outside world doesn't match the inner world, and fire the pessimistic thinker in there and for sure, I'll be having a blast both in and out of my head.. it's a party everywhere ;)
as in, I used to say, and still say, and still feel to an extent, that the schizophrenics and dellsional, must be some of the happiest people on earth.
WAit, let me explain...It's true, just think about it, they have created an ideal world for themselves and they would rather live in that world. Well, I sometimes envy them for it. By the way, I do acknowledge that sometimes this world they've subconciously created can be bad and they can not escape it and to those people, my heart goes out to them. However, the romanticism of it all is my idea of perfection (getting to live in a world that you created). And I know just how good it can get in my head :)
I know I'm not the only one who does this, but I sometimes play out how a conversation with someone will fo. Especially during times when it's a 'we need to talk' moment. I feel the need to find a perfect conversation and I go over it until it's perfect in my head (both sides). Then reality checks in when we have the actual conversation and things go differntly from my plans and I get upset or rather, I get offput by it all. How sad.. I actually get shocked at how differently things end.
ANother instance of my being in my head is when I'm about to do something spontaneaous or even normanl. Eg, I'll be walking down staris like a normal person would, when I feel like jumping down the last few steps. Immediatly my mind plays this slide shows of several different ways that that can go wrong. like I fall on my face, I break a limb, I have to walk in a cast, the list goes on and on.. or When I'm walking with a cup of hot coffee, I always imagine myself spilling the coffee down my front as I stumble and fall and burn my face with hot coffee... things like that.. As in, in my head I've fallen like a thousand different ways in as many positions and locations and in real life, well, if I had a shilling for each time, I'd probably be able to buy a 5 bob coin :)
As in, even something simple as a kiss, do other chics worry that the lip balm will be annoying to the dude? haha sillyness galore!
Oh and when I'm talking to someone, yeah, still in my head, talk about multitasking. I sometimes end up losing my train of thought because I was busy thinking when I was talking. It's ashaming. I even stop suddenly because the audience of me in my head is tired of listening to my voice. Heck I think I've broken some sort of record with being all up in your own head.
Yes, I think it's normal to have an inner voice that reads out whatever I am reading. BUt I'm changing. I seem to have reduced the number of times I retreat into my inner sanctum in public and I'm proud of that, but whaaaat, I just need to get over this obsession with life in my head and just live a little. I have always (since Jan 2011) been an advocate for living in the present (the now) and I think that in order to truly enjoy the moment, I can't have my inner voice tinkering and yelling at me all the time.
Heck, I should probably stop reversing time in my head and replaying conversations in order to decipher hidden meanings or to think of things I should have done.. I probably didn't do them because this inner voice convinced me it was a bad idea...
You know, inactions are the things I regret most. It's never what I did (read previous post) but what I failed to do when I had the opportunity that is a pain in my memories. I guess I should train this inner voice to stop doubting and asking 'why' all the time. I resolved to be a 'whynot' kind of girl. So far, that's the best question that I can come up with. That and 'what's the worst thing that could happen anyway?' Yeah that one really helps me just take the leap, be it jumping into the pool with my clothes on, telling my parents I love them or just applying for an internship at my dream organization (which incidentaly I got :) ..
You know, it often is never that serious as we make situations seem. I recognize the need to ask 'why?' in some serious situations but if the worst outcome is a bruised ego or a few bumps and bruises verses a great few seconds, a wonderful experience or a lesson to learn, well it's just plain stupidity and cowardice to let that voice hold me back, isn't it? Of course it is.
Well, I know I will never completley out of my own head; that is just part of who I am, but I can learn to slow down some of the multi-tasking, lay off the melodramatic meltdowns when the outside world doesn't match the inner world, and fire the pessimistic thinker in there and for sure, I'll be having a blast both in and out of my head.. it's a party everywhere ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)