Fickle heart will get you hurt

I can't believe it's been a month since I last blogged. *Hanging my head in shame*

It's not that I haven't learned anything all month; I have actually done a lot this month, but I was so caught up on the little things that I forgot to look up. The month began pretty wonderfully with a relaxing three day retreat. I have come to the end of my first quarter in Kinara and it was a time for reflection, relaxation and re-strategizing. I realized that I came into this internship with my own agenda hidden within my following of God's will. Over the past few months He has broken me down and moulded me to fit into His will and my goodness that has been a process. But above all that, I have found such a fulfillment in this role that I honestly could not picture being happier or doing more in any other organization right now. Truth is when I joined it wasn't with arms wide open. I was leaping into the unknown with my head full of anxiety and apprehension. I was trusting God because I knew that He wanted me here, but I part of the reason I was obeying was because of the whole story of Jonah (I was not about to waste my time in whatever whale God would have used to swallow me up). I know it doesn't seem very 'spiri' of me, but that is the truth and I think that's an okay response. Faith calls for obedience whether or not we know where we're going. My friend described it as being blind folded and listening to God's instruction as He tells us where to go.... I digress though... where was I? oh yah, the retreat. 

My goodness that was a marvelous time. I have been reading C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia for the umptinth time and that guy is a great author. Dallas Willard wrote that the art of a great teacher is putting something in such a way that even though you do not understand it, you remember it. C.S Lewis was a great teacher. Those books are so scripture inspired that you can see it in the small things. I was really inspired when I was reading the 6th book, 'The Silver Chair'. Aslan (the great son of the Emporor over the sea), gave this girl some instructions and he had her repeat them to him. They were instructions to guide her and her companion on a journey he was sending them on. At the time they were standing in the mountains, above and away from all the issues in the city. He had her repeat the instructions over and over until she got them and asked her to always repeat them. He warned her that although up in the mountains she could hear him clearly, it would be harder to hear him in the city and on the journey. He recited them with her once more and sent her on her way.  As soon as she arrived, she had forgotten the first instructions and as the journey wore on, she forgot to repeat the instructions and got caught up in the journey that he had sent her on. Her disobedience almost cost her and her companions their lives.

That was me this whole month. During the retreat I had the greatest clarity. I had great plans and I was going to maintain the momentum that I had built in those three days. I was ready for action. I was sure I was going to have longer, better devotion time and prayer time, and all those other things we tell ourselves when we are having fun planning what wonderful lives we're going to live. However, as soon as we were done with the retreat I turned my phone on and reality came rushing in. The rest of the week was a blurr of emails, phone calls and all the crazy running up and down for the camp I was directing. I am so very grateful for the fact that God does not treat us the way we deserve. During camp I worked hard; as in I was run ragged for those two weeks but my focus wasn't always on Him. My devotion was reduced to the daily devotional preparations I made before camp began and my prayer life consisted of sitting in the staff room and praying while the camp was going on and I had a 5 minute breather. This month I failed to have Jesus as the center of my work and life and I am quite sure it showed. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. I leaned on my own understanding and strength this month and it was a disaster. I was burned out within 3 weeks. Btw by burnout I mean serious burnout. My work was being impared, it took more strength to do small things, I was dizzy and nursing a headache for a lot of the last week and was lacking in joy. At some point I was teaching a group of pre-teens and their attitudes almost reduced me to tears. That was when I knew that I was being ridiculous and had failed terribly to prepare in the proper manner. I don't mean planning the lesson- I'd done that- I mean I had failed to pray about it and it showed. I was anxious and impatient that day and those young girls surely deserve to have me at my best. 

I have slowly come to realize that moments of peace are not just about granting us rest. They are meant to be times when we can equip ourselves for the next step. We get restless in rest. I remember some members of my group struggling with the silence rules of the convent where we were having our retreat. I had already learned that lesson and I am not afraid of time alone, so I was okay with it. My problem, however, comes when we decend from the mountain and are back in the city noise. All the distractions around us make it really hard to remmeber to focus on God. I forget the instructions I got, I forget to repeat them to myself; I forget who sent me on this journey, and I end up making wrong decisions or working with twice the effort to do something that would have been easier if done the right way. My autopilot in times of chaos is to buckle down and work hard. That's not right, but I need to create a new autopilot. My emergency systems need to include God- they need to be centered on Him or I'll end up in the situation I was in this month. I always got annoyed when I read 'The Silver Chair' because I was sure that the girl was silly for forgetting such simple instruction. I felt the same way about the Israelites and all the grumbling and forgetting they did. Yet that is the very nature of my soul right now. I am a fickle person with a fickle heart and mind. I forget the simple instruction and wind up hurting myself in the process. The beauty of God is that He doesn't watch us fumbling and making a mess; He comes down and blesses the mess by transforming it into what He originally planned. Thus, the camp went marvelously well. I cannot take any credit for the success of those two weeks. God found ways of amazing me and talking to me each day. I was transformed anew by an old story and He allowed me to be a huge part of the transformation of many children's lives. What a privilege. I am humbled by how God came through for us at that camp. I can't say it will never happen again, but my prayer really is that I would stop leaning on my own wisdom and really let God be the center of everything I do. That's partly why I love this song so much; no matter how much I ruin things, God comes in His glory shines through the cracks and toppled walls. 

Failure is not an option but it is inevitable; be a gracious loser.

It has been a while since I posted but this one has been on my mind for the last two weeks. I am a person who lives by the principle, 'Failure is not an option'. However, life being what it is, failure is inevitable. The other day we were at a team building retreat and we were split into groups. During the first group activity my team excelled. It was a difficult task and it managed to boggle our collective brains for a while, but eventually, we figured it out and finished the activity long before the other group started moving. The activity leader saw that we had finished and set before us a similar task and put obstacles in our entire process. Still in the end, we finished before the other group. We silently watched them complete the task and when they were done we applauded them. Later on when we were discussing the task, the leader commended the team that had lost over and over and I was just completely upset. I wondered to myself, why are we sometimes so terrible at accepting failure? 

If you have watched sports these days, we are telling our children that all that matters is that they had fun or that everyone is a winner for having done their best. Well, I would like to call the BS card on that philosophy. Why are we babying losers? Okay, hold up, before you close this page, hear me out. I have been a massive loser. In high school I played on a basketball team that only won 3 matches in the four years that I played. Yeah. 3 wins in 4 years!!!!! At some point I was the captain of that team so I was basically the captain of the losers. (hahahahaha I can laugh now). However, our terrible record did not stop us from going to the court and practicing every single day for an hour n half. At some point we were only 5 of us and there we even had a number of coaches quit on us. I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LOSE/FAIL. I know what it is like to go onto the court facing gigantic girls (we suspect some of them were over 20 years) knowing that we would likely fail. I know what it is like to have a match score reach the triple digits while were on single digit scores. Yet every single match we went in ready to do our best. We actually tried to win. Each time we were called for a match we went. We showed up with our heads held high and when we were beat we shook their hands and commended them on a good game. There was never a time when we didn't score a single shot, and there were even times when the game was tied to the last minute or when the other team won on a technicality, but nevertheless, almost doesn't count. Failure is failure and I've got 4 years' experience in it :) I'm not talking about failure like they show in the movies where you start by failing then some great mentor comes your way to motivate you (cue motivational song with a montage of getting your act together) and finally you getting it right. No, in life sometimes the underdog doesn't win. Sometimes you just fail and that is that.  

Having revealed history of failure, I still think that YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD WHEN YOU FAIL. This talk of 'as long as you did your best' does not get you far. It is important to commend people for their hard work but you should not make failure such a bad thing that you don't even acknowledge it. The message you are sending is that 'failure is so bad that we don't want to call you a failure in case you give up...' (I call the nonesence card again). What that this whole habit of commending failures and making them feel better about themselves does, is that it makes them complacent. They start to accept failure. You do not want to create complacency. You do not want people aiming for mediocrity and accepting sub-standard performances. You want to inspire them to keep trying. Remember that bad feeling you get when you fail? Well it drives you to keep trying. It makes you work harder the next time. It makes the wins that much sweeter and it makes you better. 

Even though I have failed so many times, what that has taught me, is to keep trying no matter what. What it has also taught me is to accept my own failures knowing that the world will not end. The last two weeks I have failed at certain tasks and it is not good, but it is okay. The fact that I do not fear failure allowed me to seek out help before the failure inconvenienced the rest of my colleagues on the project we were working on. I can tell you that admitting defeat was one of the toughest things I could have done. Writing that email acknowledging my failure hurt real bad and took a lot of courage, but I have a colleague on the same project who sat on his failure all month long and in the end compromised our project. His refusal to acknowledge that he had failed brought the team down in the task. Is failure really that bad? I have to admit, I feel gutted each time I feel. I am embarrassed that I was not competent enough to complete the task or that I made a mistake. Failure hurts. However, the one thing that it doesn't do, is make me question my efficacy. My identity is not placed on my ability to perform; it is in my creator and who He says I am. Even though I have failed I know I am not a failure because He made me a victor. Because I do not fear failure, I learn from those failures. Sometimes I fail over and over at the same thing, but that just means I have to work harder and pray harder. I know that fear of failure is a huge motivator, but when you fear something you become a slave to it. You avoid it AT ALL COSTS. What does that mean? You cut corners, pay bribes, cheat, etc, to get ahead. There's no place for fear in Christianity. Christ died so that we could be free of all the things that enslave us. Fear of failure is one of those things. I used to fear failure and every so often that feeling rears its head again, but it happens less and less. Now I don't like failure so I avoid it, but I don't work like a dog to avoid it at all costs. Instead I work hard because I have freedom. Not freedom to fail, but freedom to win. Freedom to get up when I fail and to keep trying. Freedom to know that letting go is not giving up. Freedom to admit defeat and ask for help. And oh how great that freedom feels. It enables me to try wind surfing and spend an afternoon falling off the board as a crowd of beach goers laugh and my friend films it. It even allows me to finally stop trying after an hour of swallowing water and injuries from the sail falling on me. Finally, that freedom from the fear of failure allows me to show the videos to my friends even though I only finally managed to wind surf a 5 foot distance. I don't show it as the time I wind surfed, but the times I failed to wind surf. (hala at me if you want to see the videos).

I'll have you know, by the way, that in the afternoon session the other team completely DESTROYED us on the field while we played touch rugby. Our team accepted defeat and shook hands with them and commended them on a good game. 

A second by the way, although this post is dotted with instances of failure, both epic and small, I have won innumerable times and boy is victory sweet! :) The best thing about failure and it's inevitability is that we can ALWAYS count on God to steer us to victory, to be the strength in our weakness, and to help us heal our wounds.