Now i know...

I didn't know what He meant when He said He's 'got me'. 

I didn't know what it was for Him to be my strength when I was weak. 

I didn't know why He kept saying, 'do not be afraid; I will be with you'.

I didn't know what it was to be called beloved. 

 It was all just something nice to hear;

They were:

words I memorized in Sunday School,

catchy lyrics on a lovely melody, 

phrases that looked good on a tweet #QOTD... 

You see when things went wrong all I could think was :

'How could He do this to me?'

'How could He let this happen?' 

I was too busy wrapped up in my brokenness to accept His comfort;

too busy hosting a pity party with an attendance of one to give The One my attention. 

So He let me grow weak enough to look up in desperation. 

It wasn't until I was weak and desperate that I felt Him be my strength. 

It wasn't until I had cried out all my tears that I learnt what His joy was. 

I didn't know what it was to be held and embraced until I was desperate and alone. 
It wasn't until I was deep within the pit of my bad choices that I knew what second, third and millionth chances are. 

It wasn't until I was standing on a stage, speechless, that I knew what it meant for Him to give me the words to speak. 

It was in my darkness that I saw His light. 

It was in my pain that I felt His love. 

It was in my fear that I felt Him give me courage. 

It was in my state of hopelessness that He gave me a future. 

It was in every sorry state that I looked up and found Him countering it effortlessly. 

Not because He wanted me to go through that darkness - NO-

you see, it was never about ME;

it was always about HIM and if it took allowing me to wander into the darkness to truly see HIS light, it was good. 

If it took me feeling pain to know HIS COMFORT, then it was good. 

It would probably have been easier if I had never gone through it, 

but knowing this stubborn soul, would I have ever bothered to look up?

Would I have drawn my attention outward?

I don't think so... 

So I thank Him because the joy of knowing God now is sweeter than the pain that brought the lesson. 

I would rather walk through the valley of the shadow of death by His side than along the yellow brick road alone. 

Our God

God amazes me. I see more and more what the psalmist meant when he talks about God's ways being too much; too lofty for me to understand. This big and awesome God cannot be described using mere words. He can only be experienced and even then, only in small doses because all of His GLORY is is too much for us. It terrified the Israelites; it is the presence that brings us to our knees; His HOLINESS, His WONDER, His LOVE is simply too much for us to fathom so He lets us have Him in dozes we can handle. This MIGHTY God who loves us simply because it is who He is. He gives us drops of Himself and we are overwhelmed from it. He that is more than enough not just for me but for every single one of the several billion people on this earth. I don't get this God that is so HOLY, so set apart from us yet He chooses to have a relationship with each person. It's a bit (very very little bit) like a human choosing to commune with ants, to know each by name to love them, to see to their needs... it sounds too ridiculous to even understand , yet He chooses to do so with us; to call us sons and daughters. God's son is Jesus Christ who is fully God in His very essence and person and yet God the Father chooses to elevate us to that very same level? To call us sons and daughters, to even makes us co-heirs; to allow us to call Him father, Abba. We can never fully understand what those privileges mean because that gesture of LOVE and ACCEPTANCE is too big for us. We don't know that kind of LOVE. We don't deserve that kind of LOVE. Kings are meant to Lord it over us. WE don't know this GIVING LOVE; we don't know this SELF-SACRIFICING AUTHORITY; we don't know this SERVANT LEADERSHIP. It is simply too simple, too foreign in its goodness. Yet what little we do understand of this MAGNIFICENT GOD cripples us. It stops us in our tracks, it changes our entire lives; it turns our world upside down and makes simple fishermen and laymen look like drunks and then eloquent speakers. I can see why we would doubt the existence of such a God that is simply 'too good to be true'. Yet GOOD and simply so by His very nature is what He is. We learn very quickly that LOVE is not our version of love; and what is GOOD is simply impossible for us to achieve alone and thus comprehend. This is the God that allows us to know Him and serve Him. This God that not only orchestrated the greatest jail break in history by taking our place on the judgement seat and choosing to die instead of us, but also pours out His very essence, His Holy Spirit into us. How something so precious can be placed in such unworthy vessels is completely beyond our understanding. He goes far above and beyond because HE IS THAT GOD. Not one of those in myths; not another handsome demi-god performing small physical feats that are too hard for humans; He IS THE ONE AND ONLY GOD doing things that only He can do. The kind of God that not even humans could create because HIS WAYS go beyond our logic and imagination. God the Father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit; three but one, the Triune God. This is God and one day all creation, every single knee (living and dead) will bow before God, not because He is any less now than He will be then, but because He will reveal enough of Himself that we will no longer excuse His glory for other things; it shall be undeniable. You see, He is not a sentiment; He is not a comforting bedtime story; He is not a nice belief; He is not an old wive's tale; He is not a figment of man's imagination; He is not a means to an end. HE IS LOVE, HE IS GOOD, HE IS WISDOM, HE IS BEYOND TIME, HE IS THE UNCREATED CREATOR, HE IS SOVEREIGN, HE IS JUST, HE IS MERCIFUL, HE IS EVERYWHERE, HE IS ETERNAL, HE IS AWESOME and not in the pop culture reference, but as one who leaves us all in complete and total AWE of His being. HE IS; whether or not we acknowledge it. He allows us to choose to ignore Him or serve Him, but one day we will have made a choice. Regardless, EVERY KNEE WILL BOW BEFORE HIM; whether it will be for the first time in fear and terror or as a usual gesture of submission before our KING and FATHER, will be up to you. YOU CHOOSE 

Wisdom versus call to love; can I really kick someone out of my life?

I have recently started working with the young adult church on Sunday mornings and my goodness! Those conversations are stimulating! I have been helping out with the bible study although as a fellow young adult, not much qualifies me per say, to be their leader apart from the fact that I work at the church. Nevertheless, it has been quite an experience. We are studying the book of 1st Timothy and I decided to just share some of the things that have popped up from the study as well as my own life. 

Let me set the stage before we delve into the discussion. We've all been in this situation before. Your phone starts to ring and just by looking at the caller id, you feel tired. It's John, that guy you were close friends with but you realised the relationship was one-sided. You were only there to serve as a sounding board and he generally ignored what advice you offered him when he allowed you to get in a word.  Or maybe it's Irene; she's obviously just broken up with her bad boyfriend for the hundredth time so she now magically has time for you. You used to be close but she grew too busy for you and the girls when he showed up and you are tired of hearing what a pig he is because you know she'll never actually leave him. Perhaps it could be Mary the victim. You know her type; she just hops from one problem to another, ever the victim, never taking responsibility for her actions. She is always asking you to bail her out and you would probably have a small fortune if she ever decided to pay you back all the money she owes you. I could go on and on listing all the different types of 'negative friends' in our lives. They drain our resources; they take and take and take and take, leaving you feeling drained emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually just from one interaction. The only thing they bring to the friendship is problems. They are followed by a dark cloud of negativity and blinded by selfishness. You really don't know why they are in your life- perhaps you're related, or childhood friends, or classmates. Whatever the reason, they came into your life and are seemingly stuck to you like a barnacle to a ship. Perhaps it is a result of life experiences or perhaps they just have a terrible character. One thing is certain; they are hard to love.  So, you know these people are in your life, what do you do?

All conventional wisdom says you should ditch them- give them the old boot - cut the cord - see ya

later alligator - sayonara - don't let the door hit ya .... Take a look at  This article on buzzfeed . It makes sense really, that you should get rid of all the negativity in your life. After all, this is your life and you don't owe anyone access to your life. People do not have a right to your company and you should get to choose who you hang out with. Didn’t our parents always tell us that one bad apple spoils the whole bunch?  So we should just quit these bad friendships cold turkey; unfriend, unfollow, block and delete. That was actually my routine in many different ways. This was my exact thought process until late last year when something started nagging me. Was this the Christian thing to do? Where is the place of grace in my friendships? Was I really showing love? 

When we look at the bible, it gives us very clear instructions. I think sometimes we complicate it or we ignore clear instructions because they just seem too hard to obey. 1 Peter 1:22 talks about loving out of a sincere brotherly love, and loving deeply from a pure heart. 1Timothy 1:5 says that the aim of our charge (our calling, our mission) is to love out of a pure heart, a good conscience and a sincere faith (I’ve paraphrased both verses). We know that Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He loved deeply and we have been called to do so too. So what does that look like? I think it means loving those that we have labeled as 'negative' or 'unlovable'. We too were unlovable. The angels probably look at us and wonder why God would choose to love such a terrible and sinful people. Yet Jesus, out of love for us, came down and died for us. He chose to love us in our horrid state. Jesus set the standard when he dined and walked with the outcast of the society. As mere sinners who claim to follow Christ, who are we to judge and label others as negative? I have been one of the many that justify such behaviour by referring to the time when Jesus said that if something causes you to sin then you should cut it out. One lady at the bible study helped me see the real application of this scripture. Does your 'negative' friend cause you to sin? Are they tempting you by playing at your weaknesses? Is your interaction with them a causative factor in your sinning? If yes, then by all means delete that number and cut off all communication. But if you just want to ditch people because it is convenient for you and they affect your mood, then stop being selfish and live the life God called you to live. They do not have to be your core friends or besties, but don't kick them out because they took a different path in life or made a few bad decisions. You could be their only chance to experience true love ; pure love that stems from your sincere faith. You could be their only link to God. You could be the only light in their lives. Jesus called us the light of the world and that is what He made us; not so that we could hang out with other candles, but so that we could go into the darkness and shine His light on them and light other candles. My prayer has been that God would teach me what it really is to love deeply from a pure heart. We love from the overflow of His love in our lives so when we feel drained by other people, the solution is not to cut them off, we should go back to Him for more. 

Here's a link to a wonderful sermon that says it even better...  

Carpe diem. Seize the day by doing the same thing over and over again....

Last Sunday Pst. Faith asked the congregation of Nairobi Chapel what one word described what they wanted from the new year; what one word describes your goal or what you want God to help you with? My word was  'HABITUATION'. 

I was at my friend Cucu Judy's farewell party when I first really thought of the word. Her husband had written words from A-Z that described her and he had more than 365 words to describe this wonderful lady. She is amazing; I could write several blogs about her. Anyway, I saw this word and it just sprang up at me. I mean, is it a good thing to be described as habitual? We all think that to be habitual is to be boring and predictable; to be ordinary. In fact, my generation is against habits (except drinking on weekends). We are about spontaneity and yelling 'YOLO' before we jump into some random and often stupid situation. We are all about eating life with a big spoon (if you don't get the fanta ad reference, you're too young). Our generation embraces sleeping in and binge watching entire television series. Our idea of making plans is to go to the kikoy festival every year or whatever big concert is happening. We all want to 'go with the flow' and do what our feelings tell us to do even if it means flaking out on our friends. 'I'ma do me' is the phrase of the day as we skip out on our responsibilities in order to go with what our flighty emotions demand. 

I know what you might be thinking and no, I am not just harping on other people. I have been that yolo-yelling-flaky-flighty-indecisive-girl too but then I grew up. I realized that if you skip classes all semester you will flunk. I discovered that hangovers are not that funny. It hit me that I really do only have one chance to live on this earth and do it right. I discovered that emotions are terribly useless things to base major decisions on. I discovered that a good nights' sleep really does make a difference with my health. I found out that my grandpa's cool song, 'early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise,' wasn't just a nice poem used to get me to sleep early, but a profound truth. Prov 6:10-11 'A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest-and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.'

Back to habituation. I dare you to research successful people and find one of them that isn't habitual. Why is Stephen Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people a best seller? Why are we all so obsessed with the habits of the rich? I mean, I even read an article the other day about how successful people wear the same clothes. Check it out here. Now I am not advocating for us all to wear the same uniform everyday, but there's a truth behind that habit that we need to learn. Habits and discipline aren't a restriction on our lives. In fact, I think spontaneity imprisons our minds in some ways. Let me explain. The brain is built to recognize patterns in our behaviour and then to automate these patterns. When we automate a process, we don't have to think about it anymore and so it frees our brains to think about a more complex process. For instance, think about driving. When you started learning how to drive you have to think about everything; where your feet go, checking the mirrors, even signalling requires your attention. You spend a lot of mental energy on these simple tasks but with time it becomes automatic. You don't even have to think about putting on your safety belt because your hands just do it as soon as you enter the car. So, how does automation/habituation cause freedom? Well, it makes the simple tasks automatic and saves your brain power for the really important stuff. So, instead of thinking about what he is going to wear everyday, Mark Zuckerberg can spend that brain energy on inventing that terrible double-blue-tick thing on whatsapp :) 

Another advantage of habituation is that it conditions your body. You can actually train your body to automatically respond to a series of activities. That's how we night-train children. But more importantly, if you usually have problems going to sleep, come up with a bed time routine; a series of activities that you do before you sleep each day and soon, if you perform those activities, regardless of how you were feeling, you'll find yourself asleep on time. Alternatively, you can have a morning routine that kick starts your brain.  

Additionally, habituation is the key to mastering spiritual disciplines. There is no way to nurture your faith without having cultivated faith habits. Scheduled quiet times, regular prayer, etc. I know a couple who wake up at 5 a.m. every day - EVERY DAY! to pray. I know others who wake up at 3 a.m. to pray and those couples have very stable and deep faith. Now, it is not a competition of who wakes up earlier and I'm not saying that only early risers grow in faith. What I have noted in many many more old christian couples who have deep faith, is that they are quite habitual. Now, back to real life. My dad, one of the most amazing men I know has been waking up early to jog for the longest time. All these successful people have discovered the freedom that is found in habituation and it's time my generation rediscovered the importance of discipline. Finally, for the adventurous like me, I can tell you that all these people have gone farther and visited more places than any of their 'go with the flow' friends. It's time to become habitual. Instead of yolo-ing your way into an early death, seize the day by creating some good godly habits. 

NEW YEAR, NEW FEAR, NEW FAVOR

Wow, it has been a shamefully long time since I wrote! Let's just say I was extra busy from late October to December- busy and very emotional. I decided not to blog because it would have ended up being a long rant and the internet does not need one more angry lady spewing her discontent all over our news feeds (yes I'm referring to that Njoki Chege chick.... SMH). 

Anyway, to recap, last year was a year of transitions for me. It was a really difficult year and I had to get rid of some terrible friendships I was stuck in. To top it off, internship has been one crazy exhausting ride. At the end of the year I had not accomplished all the things I thought I would have and I was not where I wanted to be. As much as I had that Aha! moment when I decided to join the internship, I still struggle with the implications. Support raising is not easy and it is not fun. My pride has taken a serious bashing and will probably take some more this year. Additionally, my identity was so wrapped up in the career I thought I was called to that I still can't fully accept that I work in the church. Finally, I know it seems vain, and I know this is pure pride, but it literally took months before I agreed to put in the title 'intern' into my email signature. At the beginning of 2014 I had just graduated again, I was sure of my calling and career path, and I was ready to take on the world. I knew that it would be a magnificent year. I was ready to realize all those dreams and goals that I had carefully thought out. Then 2014 came with all its downs. When I took stock in December, I was gutted by the disparity between my plans and what happened. However, I realized something really important. I was not where I thought I would be but I was where God needed me to be. Yeah yeah yeah, I know how corny it sounds but it really is true. Throughout 2014 God granted me grace to do what I needed to do. Whether it was allowing me to be jobless so I could comfort a grieving friend and help my cousin with her business, or allowing me to go through tough situations so that I could really see who my real friends were. He used every situation to mould me and shape me. It was tough but my goodness He guided me through and I came out more than just unscathed. I have excelled in many ways in my internship and honestly, it still baffles me how all that happened. I can't explain the favor I have had with my supervisors or how I didn't quit or just explode during some of the volatile situations I was in. I look at myself sometimes and I honestly don't understand how I became that person. This highly competent person that other people see. Which brings us to the topic at hand; the new fear. One of the biggest things that has happened to me is that I have been offered a position in spearheading a ministry that encompasses all my experience, study, interests and passion. The day they told me about it I humbly and graciously accepted and then went nuts when I was with a friend. I literally could not stop smiling. Even now I can't believe it. I have told some people about it, but I try to keep a straight face and play down just how big this is for me and how excited I am. IT'S A PRETTY HUUUUUUGE DEAL!!!! 

If you know me, I do pretty much anything I am asked to do (at work) and I do it as excellently as I can. If you know me well, you know I am quick on my feet and I am a pretty good trouble shooter. If you know me really really well, you know that I freak out as soon as I am asked to do something. I have a tiny explosion in my head before I respond. Depending on the importance and possible repercussions of the task, I will have anything from a split second freak out to a talk-to-myself, numb-and-paralysed-with-fear and run-every-possible-horrible-outcome-in-my-mind reaction. The latter is the case this year. You see, this year is different. God has made it really clear over a long period of time that He has great plans for me and some of them begin this year. It may sound stupid but I am scared to death of those plans. I even spent my entire holiday avoiding my own thoughts so that I wouldn't have to process it all. I don't even know where to start with all of this. I am scared of trusting God because last year when I trusted Him He took away friends, hopes, dreams and a career path. I am scared that I am going to fail epicly and not just on my own in my tiny little intern's corner. I am scared of all the responsibilities that have been entrusted to me. I am scared that I will not attain my goals. I am scared that maybe I will achieve success but in the process alienate myself from family and friends because of my workaholic tendencies. In short, I am scared of it all and much much more (don't get me started on my fear of the dark). Despite all this fear I find great comfort in the fact that God tells us not to fear or be afraid 365 times in the bible. For all of 2015 I have nothing to fear. If there's anything I learned within the past few years, it's that people will let you down, but God never will. When He said He will never leave you nor forsake you, He meant it and He keeps all His promises. He has been with me; guiding me, loving me, caring for me, healing me, teaching me, holding me, helping me and carrying me. He has been on my side even when I wasn't on my own side. He has helped me even when it's my own foolishness that got me into a sticky situation. He has guided me back to the path when I have wondered off because of my stubborn and limited thinking. 

The truth is that in 2014 I had my own plans carefully crafted off of a bit of what God had told me. This year however, I have real hope because the dreams I stand on didn't come from me. I didn't create promises in my head and then decide to hold God to them. I didn't go out of my way to look for goals. I really truly believe that this year is a special year. It holds new dreams, new fears and shall be overflowing with new favor from God. I'm done with trusting God just for the little things. It's time my faith grew and I really trusted Him for the BIG THINGS... What are those things you were always too scared to pray for because you were scared He wouldn't answer? Test Him by trusting Him and you will see Him in all His Glory because our God is Big and Awesome and More than able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we can ask or imagine. This year that will be my testimony and I pray it will be yours too. 

We're all like Sakura...

This week my cat has driven me absolutely up the wall. You see, every so often he gets this urge to out there and be a male cat and he disappears for a day or two and comes back with scratches and injuries. Once it was so bad I had to take him to the vet and he was cleaned up and prescribed for the cone of shame... hahahaha he looked so dumb in a cone! Anyway, I digress.... 

This week seems to be mating season and he was driven out by his natural instincts. For four days we didn't see him, but he was running around all over the estate and beyond trying to find a mate. My mum and I were worried sick about him and when we did finally see him, he was no longer this docile, and slightly cowardly cat we know. It was 6 a.m. on Thursday morning when I was woken by his noisy and very loud meowling (mix between a meow and howl; that annoying call they make in mating season). Any attempts at bringing him home were first ignored, then met with anger and a desperate attempt to escape. When he finally did come home yesterday, after five days of not eating, he was haggard and starving. He quickly finished the food on his bowl and begged for more. He finished an entire glass of milk and seemed to be so tired that he could barely sit. We didn't recognise this thin, tired, confused animal. You could see he wanted to sleep in a bit, but he was soon out of the door again, meowling at his (maybe inexistent) girlfriend. Before he left, he sat on our kitchen floor looking exhausted and spent. My mum was very sorry for him, but she was also upset with him because the previous morning when I'd tried to bring him home he had acted like a wild cat. I remember telling her that it wasn't his fault. It was his natural instinct driving him. My poor sweet, calm, slightly cowardly Sakura is forced to go out and be what he is, an animal, a slave to natural instincts. 

As soon as I said it, it hit me. Suddenly all those verses about us being slaves to nature came flooding my mind. We are all like Sakura. We get these natural instincts to go and do something, often sinful, and because we put so much power in our feelings, we follow these instincts and spend our energy fulfilling our body's desires. Pride, loneliness, greed, depression, fear, anxiety, sadness, hurt, anger, you name it; these feelings come into our lives and suddenly we are working on autopilot. They drive us out of the comfort of the Maker's presence as we go on a bender. It doesn't matter if the Father calls out to us morning and night. It is not until we are desperately tired, spiritually starved and bruised, that we go stalking back home. The Master sees us and comes running and calling out for us. He meets us outside, tuts and croons at us as He carries us home. At home He feeds us and dresses our wounds as we gripe and bite at Him as He cleans our sores. We slowly begin to regain strength and spend our days in His presence being nourished until we are growing on the inside. We tell ourselves, 'Never again!' and soon that phase of our lives is forgotten as our wounds heal and scars fade. Then one day some other feeling comes up and the desires are so strong and real that we are convinced that surely, even God who made me and those desires must want me to respond to them. So, out we go again, into the night to meowl and chase after temporary pleasures that will leave us bruised, or in some cases, eventually kill us.... 

It doesn't have to be that way because on the cross Jesus defeated the things of the world and freed us from that slavery. We do not have to put so much weight on our feelings. We do not have to respond to every single natural instinct just because it is natural . Everyone has that one weakness; that one desire that they give in to that drives them from the presence of God. That thing that keeps them away from God later on even though they are hurting. The good news is that Jesus has overcome the world and that includes our human nature. We are all like Sakura, but we don't all have to act like Sakura. In 1 Corinth 9 Paul talks about how he disciplines his body into submission. That is the way it is. We may no longer be slaves, but we first have to change those habits we created before we gave our lives over in submission to God. It is a daily decision to do what is right, a daily struggle to fight those desires, but by God's transforming Grace, it begins to become less hard. Instead of what Paul describes in Romans 7:15, over time we find that we no longer struggle to do that which we want to do. We slowly find it easier to not do what we don't want to do. God transform us from the inside until the human nature is less and that work is finally completed in Heaven. However, our role in God's transformation process, is to actively choose to fight our human nature and discipline our bodies. We don't get to sit back and let God do all the work. Our role can be hard, but God provides the Holy Spirit to give us the courage and strength to do it everyday. God's grace is like leeway to make mistakes so even when we do give in and go all 'Sakura', He welcome us back and cares for us. It is an amazing process really, one that requires hard work, but is ultimately rewarding in that it allows us to make room for God to be Lord in our lives through constant submission to His will instead of our natural instincts. What's even better is finding out each time that His way and His will are more than just superior to ours; His will is more amazing than we could have imagined and leaves us better off than we were before, Isn't that just wonderful? When we surrender ourselves fully to God instead of to our human nature, we open ourselves to being used by God in such amazing ways that it constantly leaves us in awe. 

Next time you get this natural instinct, take a pause and tell yourself, 'Don't be like Sakura.' 

PS, this blog was not just another excuse to talk about my cat..... or was it? muahahahahahaha..... :) 

Fickle heart will get you hurt

I can't believe it's been a month since I last blogged. *Hanging my head in shame*

It's not that I haven't learned anything all month; I have actually done a lot this month, but I was so caught up on the little things that I forgot to look up. The month began pretty wonderfully with a relaxing three day retreat. I have come to the end of my first quarter in Kinara and it was a time for reflection, relaxation and re-strategizing. I realized that I came into this internship with my own agenda hidden within my following of God's will. Over the past few months He has broken me down and moulded me to fit into His will and my goodness that has been a process. But above all that, I have found such a fulfillment in this role that I honestly could not picture being happier or doing more in any other organization right now. Truth is when I joined it wasn't with arms wide open. I was leaping into the unknown with my head full of anxiety and apprehension. I was trusting God because I knew that He wanted me here, but I part of the reason I was obeying was because of the whole story of Jonah (I was not about to waste my time in whatever whale God would have used to swallow me up). I know it doesn't seem very 'spiri' of me, but that is the truth and I think that's an okay response. Faith calls for obedience whether or not we know where we're going. My friend described it as being blind folded and listening to God's instruction as He tells us where to go.... I digress though... where was I? oh yah, the retreat. 

My goodness that was a marvelous time. I have been reading C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia for the umptinth time and that guy is a great author. Dallas Willard wrote that the art of a great teacher is putting something in such a way that even though you do not understand it, you remember it. C.S Lewis was a great teacher. Those books are so scripture inspired that you can see it in the small things. I was really inspired when I was reading the 6th book, 'The Silver Chair'. Aslan (the great son of the Emporor over the sea), gave this girl some instructions and he had her repeat them to him. They were instructions to guide her and her companion on a journey he was sending them on. At the time they were standing in the mountains, above and away from all the issues in the city. He had her repeat the instructions over and over until she got them and asked her to always repeat them. He warned her that although up in the mountains she could hear him clearly, it would be harder to hear him in the city and on the journey. He recited them with her once more and sent her on her way.  As soon as she arrived, she had forgotten the first instructions and as the journey wore on, she forgot to repeat the instructions and got caught up in the journey that he had sent her on. Her disobedience almost cost her and her companions their lives.

That was me this whole month. During the retreat I had the greatest clarity. I had great plans and I was going to maintain the momentum that I had built in those three days. I was ready for action. I was sure I was going to have longer, better devotion time and prayer time, and all those other things we tell ourselves when we are having fun planning what wonderful lives we're going to live. However, as soon as we were done with the retreat I turned my phone on and reality came rushing in. The rest of the week was a blurr of emails, phone calls and all the crazy running up and down for the camp I was directing. I am so very grateful for the fact that God does not treat us the way we deserve. During camp I worked hard; as in I was run ragged for those two weeks but my focus wasn't always on Him. My devotion was reduced to the daily devotional preparations I made before camp began and my prayer life consisted of sitting in the staff room and praying while the camp was going on and I had a 5 minute breather. This month I failed to have Jesus as the center of my work and life and I am quite sure it showed. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. I leaned on my own understanding and strength this month and it was a disaster. I was burned out within 3 weeks. Btw by burnout I mean serious burnout. My work was being impared, it took more strength to do small things, I was dizzy and nursing a headache for a lot of the last week and was lacking in joy. At some point I was teaching a group of pre-teens and their attitudes almost reduced me to tears. That was when I knew that I was being ridiculous and had failed terribly to prepare in the proper manner. I don't mean planning the lesson- I'd done that- I mean I had failed to pray about it and it showed. I was anxious and impatient that day and those young girls surely deserve to have me at my best. 

I have slowly come to realize that moments of peace are not just about granting us rest. They are meant to be times when we can equip ourselves for the next step. We get restless in rest. I remember some members of my group struggling with the silence rules of the convent where we were having our retreat. I had already learned that lesson and I am not afraid of time alone, so I was okay with it. My problem, however, comes when we decend from the mountain and are back in the city noise. All the distractions around us make it really hard to remmeber to focus on God. I forget the instructions I got, I forget to repeat them to myself; I forget who sent me on this journey, and I end up making wrong decisions or working with twice the effort to do something that would have been easier if done the right way. My autopilot in times of chaos is to buckle down and work hard. That's not right, but I need to create a new autopilot. My emergency systems need to include God- they need to be centered on Him or I'll end up in the situation I was in this month. I always got annoyed when I read 'The Silver Chair' because I was sure that the girl was silly for forgetting such simple instruction. I felt the same way about the Israelites and all the grumbling and forgetting they did. Yet that is the very nature of my soul right now. I am a fickle person with a fickle heart and mind. I forget the simple instruction and wind up hurting myself in the process. The beauty of God is that He doesn't watch us fumbling and making a mess; He comes down and blesses the mess by transforming it into what He originally planned. Thus, the camp went marvelously well. I cannot take any credit for the success of those two weeks. God found ways of amazing me and talking to me each day. I was transformed anew by an old story and He allowed me to be a huge part of the transformation of many children's lives. What a privilege. I am humbled by how God came through for us at that camp. I can't say it will never happen again, but my prayer really is that I would stop leaning on my own wisdom and really let God be the center of everything I do. That's partly why I love this song so much; no matter how much I ruin things, God comes in His glory shines through the cracks and toppled walls.