SCAR FACE

Well, there's an odd turn of events (not really) ; I was thinking of the scars on my face and they got me thinking of the scars that we have and carry around. There are so many different scars, each with their own little stories; some great, some funny, some random and others that are only whispered to the ears of a loved one in the stillness of the night.
You know, scars that are physical hurt immediatley because we have pain receptors (nerves) and we watch them heal. Even more important to note, is that often the cause of the scar (whether external or internal ) is aware of making the scar- aware of the hurt they cause (or, you know, you tell them off for it) but the main thing is awareness.
I have a scar on my left eyebrow that was formed when I was like 8 and playing tip n tip (tag) and I hit the edge of a table and had to gt stitches done. It has healed and I'd forgoten it until last year when I tweezed my eyebrows for the first time.. WHAAAAT! the PAIN. And it made me think, we walk around with scars and we forget that they existed and that there was a part of us long ago that hurt so much we never thought it would end. we walk around thinking all is okay but we never did heal completley and when someone comes around to touching that side of us that once hurt so much, we're shocked by the way we react.
I have amother scar on the left side of my face. It is only apparent as a slightly darker shade of skin. But 2011 April half of my face had been scraped off at sea while I played with a friend. A wave had tossed us and I would have ridden it safely had he not been holding my hand thus dragging me down with him, causing me to scrape my head on the sea floor (I know only I would find such odd ways of getting hurt ) but he never knew he was the reason I got hurt and walked around with a scarf on my face for 3 months. well, that's how life is. There are times when we are hurt deeply by a person who is completely unaware of the damage they've caused us and we silently curse them or resent them, yet we do the same. We too leave scars in other people. We hurt them more than we'll ever know with our actions & inactions, with our words; we just keep hurting others and we go on with life unaware that we have people walking about with scars bearing our names. and what's worst is that often it's the ones we love that we hurt so deeply. It may not make sense that it takes a thousand little painstakingly placed pieces to build a relationship and life but just one careless mistake to break it down, but it's like playing Jenga or like a house of cards.
Especially hurting, is an inaction. Action is motivated and has reason so if I was hurt by reason I would be closer to understanding. However, inaction, being hurt by what someone didn't do, it hurts more to me. Inaction is passiveness, it's lazyness, it's lack of care and it is cowardly. I'd rather have someone fighting for me or against me but never just watching me.
Back to scars.. My final scar or old wound is in my neck.(I have many more but those are a long story)... In my final year of highschool I got hurt when the driver applied emergency breaks and I hadn't belted up. I hurt it so bad I couldn't turn for a week.Well, recently (okay it was last year) whip my hair played on the radio and I decided to whip my hair like the mad girl I am. Well, I had my fun until I went to bed and woke up the next day unable to move my head for a few days... It turns out that I never really healed. Lesson learnt; thou shalt NOT whip thy hair back and forth, neither shalt thou bang thy head.
You know we are never the same after we get our scars. We are left with a dull ache and bitterness. We change our habits ever so little . Imagine a ship that has a 1 degree shift to the right, in a cretain number of days it will have moved in a complete circle. That is how scars leave us. We change our actions subconciously and we need to be aware of the change otherwise we are letting hurt control our actions and that is never a good thing.
We are good at caring for our physical wounds- we bandage them and let them turn into scars. but our emotional hurts , we cover them up. Imagine if everytime you get hurt you put a bandage and forget about the wound then you one day give your hurt to a person, well, what would they find? festering wounds.. YUCK! I know, but that's how we live. We need to let these things heal, give them air; let them become just another funny story you swap with friends as you laugh at the past as opposed to them being a bitter painful secret to be shared on a long night after a few bottles of gin and shots of vodka to numb the pain.
I know that my face is wierd with it's assortment of scars (7 at last count) but it's way better than an assortment of wounds. the same goes for my hurt. Celebrate your scars, they are a unique part of your story that says that you have survived, not just existed.

Voices in my head

I have no idea how many people spend as much time inside their own heads as much as I do. And I think as much as I am healthy (or so I am think), it's time to recognize that the real world is where I should spend my time. For real, I tend to think that this is how people go 'crazy' , so to say, (Yes I know that isn't the politically correct word for it but.. you know what I mean...
as in, I used to say, and still say, and still feel to an extent, that the schizophrenics and dellsional, must be some of the happiest people on earth.
WAit, let me explain...It's true, just think about it, they have created an ideal world for themselves and they would rather live in that world. Well, I sometimes envy them for it. By the way, I do acknowledge that sometimes this world they've subconciously created can be bad and they can not escape it and to those people, my heart goes out to them. However, the romanticism of it all is my idea of perfection (getting to live in a world that you created). And I know just how good it can get in my head :)
I know I'm not the only one who does this, but I sometimes play out how a conversation with someone will fo. Especially during times when it's a 'we need to talk' moment. I feel the need to find a perfect conversation and I go over it until it's perfect in my head (both sides). Then reality checks in when we have the actual conversation and things go differntly from my plans and I get upset or rather, I get offput by it all. How sad.. I actually get shocked at how differently things end.
ANother instance of my being in my head is when I'm about to do something spontaneaous or even normanl. Eg, I'll be walking down staris like a normal person would, when I feel like jumping down the last few steps. Immediatly my mind plays this slide shows of several different ways that that can go wrong. like I fall on my face, I break a limb, I have to walk in a cast, the list goes on and on.. or When I'm walking with a cup of hot coffee, I always imagine myself spilling the coffee down my front as I stumble and fall and burn my face with hot coffee... things like that.. As in, in my head I've fallen like a thousand different ways in as many positions and locations and in real life, well, if I had a shilling for each time, I'd probably be able to buy a 5 bob coin :)
As in, even something simple as a kiss, do other chics worry that the lip balm will be annoying to the dude? haha sillyness galore!
Oh and when I'm talking to someone, yeah, still in my head, talk about multitasking. I sometimes end up losing my train of thought because I was busy thinking when I was talking. It's ashaming. I even stop suddenly because the audience of me in my head is tired of listening to my voice. Heck I think I've broken some sort of record with being all up in your own head.
Yes, I think it's normal to have an inner voice that reads out whatever I am reading. BUt I'm changing. I seem to have reduced the number of times I retreat into my inner sanctum in public and I'm proud of that, but whaaaat, I just need to get over this obsession with life in my head and just live a little. I have always (since Jan 2011) been an advocate for living in the present (the now) and I think that in order to truly enjoy the moment, I can't have my inner voice tinkering and yelling at me all the time.
Heck, I should probably stop reversing time in my head and replaying conversations in order to decipher hidden meanings or to think of things I should have done.. I probably didn't do them because this inner voice convinced me it was a bad idea...
You know, inactions are the things I regret most. It's never what I did (read previous post) but what I failed to do when I had the opportunity that is a pain in my memories. I guess I should train this inner voice to stop doubting and asking 'why' all the time. I resolved to be a 'whynot' kind of girl. So far, that's the best question that I can come up with. That and 'what's the worst thing that could happen anyway?' Yeah that one really helps me just take the leap, be it jumping into the pool with my clothes on, telling my parents I love them or just applying for an internship at my dream organization (which incidentaly I got :) ..
You know, it often is never that serious as we make situations seem. I recognize the need to ask 'why?' in some serious situations but if the worst outcome is a bruised ego or a few bumps and bruises verses a great few seconds, a wonderful experience or a lesson to learn, well it's just plain stupidity and cowardice to let that voice hold me back, isn't it? Of course it is.
Well, I know I will never completley out of my own head; that is just part of who I am, but I can learn to slow down some of the multi-tasking, lay off the melodramatic meltdowns when the outside world doesn't match the inner world, and fire the pessimistic thinker in there and for sure, I'll be having a blast both in and out of my head.. it's a party everywhere ;)

REGRETS AND 'IF ONLYS'

I like to say that I live a life without regrets. I even say that I never regret anything I have done and all this is the lie I tell myself because without it, I'd die inside. I like to think that whatever do for whatever reason it is that I do it, that I made the right decidion at that time considering the circunstances. And that in itself is true. I think that when you begin to doubt yourself, it is the beginning of the undoing of you. That is just the way life is. I once liked questoining each and every move I made and the burden of having to keep going over your own thoughts is quite tasking.
But truth be told, most of my regrets are some that some one else didn't do something. I can't truly say I have no regrets from my own actions, but when it was a situation about myself and someone else, well, that's where my regrets / 'if only's / 'I wish's lie. Yeah, but we really can never control other people's actions. I once wrote (#awesomefacebookupdates) that 'Living a life without regrets is not about not looking back and regreting anything you did, but its about not doing anything you'll regret later.' I read somewhere that 'Good times make good memories and Bad times make good lessons' That, to me, is how we should look at life. It's more like being grateful for the good decisions that you make and when the decision turns out not to have been such a great idea, then ;
1. Own your decision and mistkake and accept the consequences just as quickly as you would accept a reward for your good decision.
2. Learn the lesson.
Learning the lesson is key because it means that the mistake was not made in vain. I'd like to think that I'm this really self-actualized person who lived a perfect life but truth is there are moments that I look back and I think 'I wish I'd done things differently' or 'If I could go back I'd change this and that' Yet the truth is that in some of those times I didn't know any better then and that the innocence in me would be forever lost if I were to have known to act differently. So I dare to thank God that I didn't know better.
and as for those times I did know better and still acted,well, to those moments I say 'That was fun' and 'No stains no learning' ;)
So to all those thoughts of regret that keep creeping around in my head, mshindwe coz I'm happy. I can ony control what I do not what I did and so far, so good. Thanks to God for that.

Moment After Dark

I hate this moment.
This moment before I fall asleep,
Just after life's complications are put on hold till tomorrow,
with little post-its writen
'do not open till morning'.
This moment before sleep comes to send me on a journey,
where burdens are light and life is alright.
That deep slumber that's so heavy from exhaustion,
that it seems I'll never awake again.
I hate this moment most of all moments in time.
It's when my defenses are at their weakest.
My guards have fallen asleep
and my little hamster has stepped of its wheel.
It's at this moment when i long to forget the day,
That those tiny thoughts come creeping in.
Sneaky little bastards they are,
they slither in and pounce on me,
like a lioness does her prey.
These very thoughts that I'd imprisoned and ignored,
These very thoughts that I'd confined in the deep, dark, dungeons,
Run loose wreacking havoc on my weary soul.
Like drunken college kids on a Thursday night,
THey muck about the place like they own this town.
Well, they do, for one moment in the day,
they get to run free.
They get to sit in the driver's seat.
And I just lie here helplessly,
Willing sweet slumber to come to my aid,
Praying that the dream Angel would hasten his step,
and bring relief to this tired heart of mine.
Because they taunt her with dreams that never will be,
teasing her mercilessly with bitter-sweet memories.
They break her flaunting wishes that will never be granted,
and guilt her with shame from what once was.
They pick at her scars from battles fought long ago,
poking their little fingers into the depths of her hurt.
Be still my aching heart,
for slumber comes to lock away your terrors.
Find peace until tomorow night,
When once again they'll roam free.
Rest though, my dear, you poor little thing,
and know that it is for but a moment they reign,
and but a moment each day you have to endure.
I know you're strong,
You'll get through it.
Just take it one moment at a time.

April 3rd '09

I wait, I pray, I wait some more

I stumble, I rise, I stumble and fall.

I listen, I grow impatient try to listen some more.

I hold on, I read, I desperately try to hold on.

I kneel, I stand, I lie down, I walk, I sit, I yell; for goodness sake I even cry.

But I hear you no more.

I dance, I sing.

Just one glimpse is all I need.

But I grow weary.

My heart grows faint,

My ears grow deaf,

My eyes are losing sight.

And around me I feel you no more.

So now,

I find it hard to raise my voice,

I find it hard to lift my hand,

I find it hard to read your word.

Your strong voice that I knew so well,

Your tender touch that held me at night,

Your strong arms that cushioned my fall,

Your sweet words that healed my heart,

Your guiding hand that held mind each day,

Your gentle voice that talked me through each storm,

I find it hard to recognize them.

Too many hands touch me,

Too many voices yell at me, telling me where to go,

All the wrong arms embrace me,

All the wrong words reach my ears.

I've sought the wrong guides,

I’ve held the wrong hands,

I’ve embraced the wrong arms,

I’ve felt the wrong touch,

I’ve listened to the wrong words,

I’ve seen the wrong things,

I’ve raised my voice for the wrong things, sung the wrong words.

I've read the wrong books,

I’ve written the wrong words.

But they've not helped me.

They didn't leave me feeling any better.

They left me broken,

They left me hurt,

They left me used,

They left me defiled,

They left me dirty,

They left me wondering,

They’ve sent me back to you,

Broken and battered, bruised and hurt, used and abused, dirty and sinful, unrighteous and unholy.

Nothing like the daughter you want.

So I’m coming back to you.

Crawling back to you,

Looking forward to you,

Listening to you,

Begging for you,

Crying out to you.

It's you I want, you I need.

So,

I will wait, I'll pray and I'll wait some more.

I may stumble, but I’ll rise, I may stumble some more, but you shall help me rise.

I will listen, and when I feel impatience creeping in, I'll listen some more.

I'll hold on, I'll read, through the storms I'll tie a knot and I will hold on, like my life depends on it- because my life depends on it.

I'll cling, I’ll kneel, I’ll stand, I’ll lie down, I’ll walk, I’ll run, I’ll yell and for your sake I’ll even cry.

I will dance and I’ll sing, for you alone I’ll do all I can.

Through all this I will not grow weary,

For you will strengthen me.

For You are mine and I will be only yours.

Your touch will be mine,

Your voice my only instruction,

Your words my only lamp,

And your embrace the only one holding me.

You deserve better

You, I'm talking to you.
I know you.
I know how it felt to never be on anyone's team;
how it felt to only have teddy bears to play with.
I know the pain you felt when they called you fat;
when they said you'd be pretty if only you could shed a few.
I know the hurt of the songs they sang.
I even know the sting felt when no one protected you from the teasing.
Ya, 'Sticks and stones' doesn't solve issues.
I understand the deep wounds they caused.
How the diets and excercise didn't work,
Heck I even know how it caused you disgust to look in the mirror.
Oh, my dear, those wounds and scars you bear,
I know each one of them.
I know how deep you were cut.
I know you change many times in the morning;
all cause you're never going to love that girl in the mirror,
you just learned to package her well.
Appearances must be kept.
I also know how many times you cried yourself to sleep.
I know that's where all the tears went to, why you don't cry anymorre.
I know why you didn't let anyone get close.
It hurt when you had to let go of them, yet youd did.
You don't deserve that guy.
I know you don't think you deserve better, but you do.
You don't have to keep quiet when he doesn't call.
You don't have to excuse his bad habits.
You don't have to keep texting when he doesn't reply.
You don't have to take a back seat in your own relationship.
Yes, I know fairytails don't exist,
but that doesn't mean you have to settle for mediocre.
Sweety, listen, you deserve better.
Stop measuring yourself with that unrealistic tape.
You'll never be perfect,
So stop trying,
and only worry about being the best you.
Believe me when I say, you deserve better.
I know you so well that I know these words cut you.
and I know you're about to withdraw into those walls.
Those very walls that you built to keep people out,
are now your personal prison.
I know you're shutting me out,
because you've been hurt so much,
and have been hurting for so long,
you don't know how not to hurt.
You don't know how to love.
You can't comprehend intimacy from your one-person castle,
but I know you can.
Honey I know that it hurts so much that you can't breathe,
I know the sorrow is enough to darken the sun.
I know.
But it's worth it,
because I know the end of the journey,
and I know you'll make it.
I know you will love and be loved;
Because you deserve it.
I'll say it again; YOU DESERVE THE BEST.
I know this, because I know you.
I am you.

By ,
Dot Neriah.

LIFE BEHIND THE MASK

To say I can is harder each day,
Each step, each breath, I struggle to take.
The darkness harkened,
and quickly I answered.
It covered me and I bathed in its shadow.
I ignored the pain,
Ignored my hurt.
and slowly it ate away at my heart.
The light inside me was growing dim
and all i could do was keep a cool face.
My heart was withering,
It was slowly dying,
But I had to keep composed.
There was no way to remove the mask;
It had crawled inside me.
I felt it under my skin.
it made living each moment harder and harder.
No matter what I tried,
I couldn't shake it off.
But come to think of it,
I may not have tried hard enough.
I can't blame anyone,
for they all tried to help;
well, at least some did.
I was drifting off,
carried away by a current.
All the while I smiled and said I was ok.
I just had to pretend that everything was ok.
Then the evening would come and I'd be alone,
stuck in a body I couldn't call my own,
stuck in a house I couldn't call a home.
What is it that happened so long ago,
to take a sweet hear to turn so cold?
The ice queen seems fine,
she just floats through life,
gliding along, like she's on ice.
They don't notice the pain in her eyes as she takes each step,
they don't see the hurt caused by each breath.
They don't hear the uncertainity as she talks to them.
They think her smile is as warm as she seems.
They don't notice how her eyes glisten no more.
Somehow she must keep the maks on.
For none must know what goes on inside her head.
Each one must his own cross bear alone.
She doesn't need another's pity.
Oh no,
She just needs to concentrate all of her power,
on taking the next step,
on taking the next breath,
on living the next moment,
and the next.
From one to the next, her cycle goes on,
This hamster has a wheel, with no stop button on.

By Dot Neriah.
and the next,