REGRETS AND 'IF ONLYS'

I like to say that I live a life without regrets. I even say that I never regret anything I have done and all this is the lie I tell myself because without it, I'd die inside. I like to think that whatever do for whatever reason it is that I do it, that I made the right decidion at that time considering the circunstances. And that in itself is true. I think that when you begin to doubt yourself, it is the beginning of the undoing of you. That is just the way life is. I once liked questoining each and every move I made and the burden of having to keep going over your own thoughts is quite tasking.
But truth be told, most of my regrets are some that some one else didn't do something. I can't truly say I have no regrets from my own actions, but when it was a situation about myself and someone else, well, that's where my regrets / 'if only's / 'I wish's lie. Yeah, but we really can never control other people's actions. I once wrote (#awesomefacebookupdates) that 'Living a life without regrets is not about not looking back and regreting anything you did, but its about not doing anything you'll regret later.' I read somewhere that 'Good times make good memories and Bad times make good lessons' That, to me, is how we should look at life. It's more like being grateful for the good decisions that you make and when the decision turns out not to have been such a great idea, then ;
1. Own your decision and mistkake and accept the consequences just as quickly as you would accept a reward for your good decision.
2. Learn the lesson.
Learning the lesson is key because it means that the mistake was not made in vain. I'd like to think that I'm this really self-actualized person who lived a perfect life but truth is there are moments that I look back and I think 'I wish I'd done things differently' or 'If I could go back I'd change this and that' Yet the truth is that in some of those times I didn't know any better then and that the innocence in me would be forever lost if I were to have known to act differently. So I dare to thank God that I didn't know better.
and as for those times I did know better and still acted,well, to those moments I say 'That was fun' and 'No stains no learning' ;)
So to all those thoughts of regret that keep creeping around in my head, mshindwe coz I'm happy. I can ony control what I do not what I did and so far, so good. Thanks to God for that.

Moment After Dark

I hate this moment.
This moment before I fall asleep,
Just after life's complications are put on hold till tomorrow,
with little post-its writen
'do not open till morning'.
This moment before sleep comes to send me on a journey,
where burdens are light and life is alright.
That deep slumber that's so heavy from exhaustion,
that it seems I'll never awake again.
I hate this moment most of all moments in time.
It's when my defenses are at their weakest.
My guards have fallen asleep
and my little hamster has stepped of its wheel.
It's at this moment when i long to forget the day,
That those tiny thoughts come creeping in.
Sneaky little bastards they are,
they slither in and pounce on me,
like a lioness does her prey.
These very thoughts that I'd imprisoned and ignored,
These very thoughts that I'd confined in the deep, dark, dungeons,
Run loose wreacking havoc on my weary soul.
Like drunken college kids on a Thursday night,
THey muck about the place like they own this town.
Well, they do, for one moment in the day,
they get to run free.
They get to sit in the driver's seat.
And I just lie here helplessly,
Willing sweet slumber to come to my aid,
Praying that the dream Angel would hasten his step,
and bring relief to this tired heart of mine.
Because they taunt her with dreams that never will be,
teasing her mercilessly with bitter-sweet memories.
They break her flaunting wishes that will never be granted,
and guilt her with shame from what once was.
They pick at her scars from battles fought long ago,
poking their little fingers into the depths of her hurt.
Be still my aching heart,
for slumber comes to lock away your terrors.
Find peace until tomorow night,
When once again they'll roam free.
Rest though, my dear, you poor little thing,
and know that it is for but a moment they reign,
and but a moment each day you have to endure.
I know you're strong,
You'll get through it.
Just take it one moment at a time.

April 3rd '09

I wait, I pray, I wait some more

I stumble, I rise, I stumble and fall.

I listen, I grow impatient try to listen some more.

I hold on, I read, I desperately try to hold on.

I kneel, I stand, I lie down, I walk, I sit, I yell; for goodness sake I even cry.

But I hear you no more.

I dance, I sing.

Just one glimpse is all I need.

But I grow weary.

My heart grows faint,

My ears grow deaf,

My eyes are losing sight.

And around me I feel you no more.

So now,

I find it hard to raise my voice,

I find it hard to lift my hand,

I find it hard to read your word.

Your strong voice that I knew so well,

Your tender touch that held me at night,

Your strong arms that cushioned my fall,

Your sweet words that healed my heart,

Your guiding hand that held mind each day,

Your gentle voice that talked me through each storm,

I find it hard to recognize them.

Too many hands touch me,

Too many voices yell at me, telling me where to go,

All the wrong arms embrace me,

All the wrong words reach my ears.

I've sought the wrong guides,

I’ve held the wrong hands,

I’ve embraced the wrong arms,

I’ve felt the wrong touch,

I’ve listened to the wrong words,

I’ve seen the wrong things,

I’ve raised my voice for the wrong things, sung the wrong words.

I've read the wrong books,

I’ve written the wrong words.

But they've not helped me.

They didn't leave me feeling any better.

They left me broken,

They left me hurt,

They left me used,

They left me defiled,

They left me dirty,

They left me wondering,

They’ve sent me back to you,

Broken and battered, bruised and hurt, used and abused, dirty and sinful, unrighteous and unholy.

Nothing like the daughter you want.

So I’m coming back to you.

Crawling back to you,

Looking forward to you,

Listening to you,

Begging for you,

Crying out to you.

It's you I want, you I need.

So,

I will wait, I'll pray and I'll wait some more.

I may stumble, but I’ll rise, I may stumble some more, but you shall help me rise.

I will listen, and when I feel impatience creeping in, I'll listen some more.

I'll hold on, I'll read, through the storms I'll tie a knot and I will hold on, like my life depends on it- because my life depends on it.

I'll cling, I’ll kneel, I’ll stand, I’ll lie down, I’ll walk, I’ll run, I’ll yell and for your sake I’ll even cry.

I will dance and I’ll sing, for you alone I’ll do all I can.

Through all this I will not grow weary,

For you will strengthen me.

For You are mine and I will be only yours.

Your touch will be mine,

Your voice my only instruction,

Your words my only lamp,

And your embrace the only one holding me.

You deserve better

You, I'm talking to you.
I know you.
I know how it felt to never be on anyone's team;
how it felt to only have teddy bears to play with.
I know the pain you felt when they called you fat;
when they said you'd be pretty if only you could shed a few.
I know the hurt of the songs they sang.
I even know the sting felt when no one protected you from the teasing.
Ya, 'Sticks and stones' doesn't solve issues.
I understand the deep wounds they caused.
How the diets and excercise didn't work,
Heck I even know how it caused you disgust to look in the mirror.
Oh, my dear, those wounds and scars you bear,
I know each one of them.
I know how deep you were cut.
I know you change many times in the morning;
all cause you're never going to love that girl in the mirror,
you just learned to package her well.
Appearances must be kept.
I also know how many times you cried yourself to sleep.
I know that's where all the tears went to, why you don't cry anymorre.
I know why you didn't let anyone get close.
It hurt when you had to let go of them, yet youd did.
You don't deserve that guy.
I know you don't think you deserve better, but you do.
You don't have to keep quiet when he doesn't call.
You don't have to excuse his bad habits.
You don't have to keep texting when he doesn't reply.
You don't have to take a back seat in your own relationship.
Yes, I know fairytails don't exist,
but that doesn't mean you have to settle for mediocre.
Sweety, listen, you deserve better.
Stop measuring yourself with that unrealistic tape.
You'll never be perfect,
So stop trying,
and only worry about being the best you.
Believe me when I say, you deserve better.
I know you so well that I know these words cut you.
and I know you're about to withdraw into those walls.
Those very walls that you built to keep people out,
are now your personal prison.
I know you're shutting me out,
because you've been hurt so much,
and have been hurting for so long,
you don't know how not to hurt.
You don't know how to love.
You can't comprehend intimacy from your one-person castle,
but I know you can.
Honey I know that it hurts so much that you can't breathe,
I know the sorrow is enough to darken the sun.
I know.
But it's worth it,
because I know the end of the journey,
and I know you'll make it.
I know you will love and be loved;
Because you deserve it.
I'll say it again; YOU DESERVE THE BEST.
I know this, because I know you.
I am you.

By ,
Dot Neriah.

LIFE BEHIND THE MASK

To say I can is harder each day,
Each step, each breath, I struggle to take.
The darkness harkened,
and quickly I answered.
It covered me and I bathed in its shadow.
I ignored the pain,
Ignored my hurt.
and slowly it ate away at my heart.
The light inside me was growing dim
and all i could do was keep a cool face.
My heart was withering,
It was slowly dying,
But I had to keep composed.
There was no way to remove the mask;
It had crawled inside me.
I felt it under my skin.
it made living each moment harder and harder.
No matter what I tried,
I couldn't shake it off.
But come to think of it,
I may not have tried hard enough.
I can't blame anyone,
for they all tried to help;
well, at least some did.
I was drifting off,
carried away by a current.
All the while I smiled and said I was ok.
I just had to pretend that everything was ok.
Then the evening would come and I'd be alone,
stuck in a body I couldn't call my own,
stuck in a house I couldn't call a home.
What is it that happened so long ago,
to take a sweet hear to turn so cold?
The ice queen seems fine,
she just floats through life,
gliding along, like she's on ice.
They don't notice the pain in her eyes as she takes each step,
they don't see the hurt caused by each breath.
They don't hear the uncertainity as she talks to them.
They think her smile is as warm as she seems.
They don't notice how her eyes glisten no more.
Somehow she must keep the maks on.
For none must know what goes on inside her head.
Each one must his own cross bear alone.
She doesn't need another's pity.
Oh no,
She just needs to concentrate all of her power,
on taking the next step,
on taking the next breath,
on living the next moment,
and the next.
From one to the next, her cycle goes on,
This hamster has a wheel, with no stop button on.

By Dot Neriah.
and the next,