I can't believe it's been a month since I last blogged. *Hanging
my head in shame*
It's not that I haven't learned anything all month; I have
actually done a lot this month, but I was so caught up on the little things
that I forgot to look up. The month began pretty wonderfully with a relaxing
three day retreat. I have come to the end of my first quarter in Kinara and it
was a time for reflection, relaxation and re-strategizing. I realized that I came into this internship with my own agenda
hidden within my following of God's will. Over the past few months He has
broken me down and moulded me to fit into His will and my goodness that has
been a process. But above all that, I have found such a fulfillment in this
role that I honestly could not picture being happier or doing more in any other
organization right now. Truth is when I joined it wasn't with arms wide open. I
was leaping into the unknown with my head full of anxiety and apprehension. I was trusting God
because I knew that He wanted me here, but I part of the reason I was obeying
was because of the whole story of Jonah (I was not about to waste my time in
whatever whale God would have used to swallow me up). I know it doesn't seem
very 'spiri' of me, but that is the truth and I think that's an okay response.
Faith calls for obedience whether or not we know where we're going. My friend
described it as being blind folded and listening to God's instruction as He
tells us where to go.... I digress though... where was I? oh yah, the retreat.
My goodness that was a marvelous time. I have been reading C.S. Lewis'
Chronicles of Narnia for the umptinth time and that guy is a great author.
Dallas Willard wrote that the art of a great teacher is putting something in
such a way that even though you do not understand it, you remember it. C.S
Lewis was a great teacher. Those books are so scripture inspired that you can
see it in the small things. I was really inspired when I was reading
the 6th book, 'The Silver Chair'. Aslan (the great son of the Emporor over the
sea), gave this girl some instructions and he had her repeat them to him. They were instructions to guide her and her companion on a journey he was sending them on. At the time
they were standing in the mountains, above and away from all the issues in the
city. He had her repeat the instructions over and over until she got them and
asked her to always repeat them. He warned her that although up in the
mountains she could hear him clearly, it would be harder to hear him in the
city and on the journey. He recited them with her once more and sent her on her
way. As soon as she arrived, she had forgotten the first instructions and
as the journey wore on, she forgot to repeat the instructions and got caught up
in the journey that he had sent her on. Her disobedience almost cost her and her companions their lives.
That was me this whole month. During the retreat I had the
greatest clarity. I had great plans and I was going to maintain the momentum
that I had built in those three days. I was ready for action. I was sure I was
going to have longer, better devotion time and prayer time, and all those other
things we tell ourselves when we are having fun planning what wonderful lives
we're going to live. However, as soon as we were done with the retreat I turned
my phone on and reality came rushing in. The rest of the week was a blurr of
emails, phone calls and all the crazy running up and down for the camp I was
directing. I am so very grateful for the fact that God does not treat us the
way we deserve. During camp I worked hard; as in I was run ragged for those two
weeks but my focus wasn't always on Him. My devotion was reduced to the daily
devotional preparations I made before camp began and my prayer life consisted
of sitting in the staff room and praying while the camp was going on and I had
a 5 minute breather. This month I failed to have Jesus as the center of my work
and life and I am quite sure it showed. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with
all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge
Him and He will make your paths straight. I leaned on my own understanding and
strength this month and it was a disaster. I was burned out within 3 weeks. Btw
by burnout I mean serious burnout. My work was being impared, it took more
strength to do small things, I was dizzy and nursing a headache for a lot of
the last week and was lacking in joy. At some point I was teaching a group of pre-teens and their attitudes almost reduced me to tears. That was when I knew that I was being ridiculous and had failed terribly to prepare in the proper manner. I don't mean planning the lesson- I'd done that- I mean I had failed to pray about it and it showed. I was anxious and impatient that day and those young girls surely deserve to have me at my best.
I have slowly come to realize that moments of peace are not just
about granting us rest. They are meant to be times when we can equip ourselves
for the next step. We get restless in rest. I remember some members of my group
struggling with the silence rules of the convent where we were having our
retreat. I had already learned that lesson and I am not afraid of time alone,
so I was okay with it. My problem, however, comes when we decend from the
mountain and are back in the city noise. All the distractions around us make it
really hard to remmeber to focus on God. I forget the instructions I got, I
forget to repeat them to myself; I forget who sent me on this journey, and I
end up making wrong decisions or working with twice the effort to do something
that would have been easier if done the right way. My autopilot in times of
chaos is to buckle down and work hard. That's not right, but I need to create a
new autopilot. My emergency systems need to include God- they need to be
centered on Him or I'll end up in the situation I was in this month. I always
got annoyed when I read 'The Silver Chair' because I was sure that the girl was
silly for forgetting such simple instruction. I felt the same way about the
Israelites and all the grumbling and forgetting they did. Yet that is the very
nature of my soul right now. I am a fickle person with a fickle heart and mind.
I forget the simple instruction and wind up hurting myself in the process. The
beauty of God is that He doesn't watch us fumbling and making a mess; He comes
down and blesses the mess by transforming it into what He originally planned.
Thus, the camp went marvelously well. I cannot take any credit for the success
of those two weeks. God found ways of amazing me and talking to me each day. I
was transformed anew by an old story and He allowed me to be a huge part of the
transformation of many children's lives. What a privilege. I am humbled by how
God came through for us at that camp. I can't say it will never happen again,
but my prayer really is that I would stop leaning on my own wisdom and really
let God be the center of everything I do. That's partly why I love this song so much; no matter how much I ruin things, God comes in His glory shines through the cracks and toppled walls.
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