NEW YEAR, NEW FEAR, NEW FAVOR

Wow, it has been a shamefully long time since I wrote! Let's just say I was extra busy from late October to December- busy and very emotional. I decided not to blog because it would have ended up being a long rant and the internet does not need one more angry lady spewing her discontent all over our news feeds (yes I'm referring to that Njoki Chege chick.... SMH). 

Anyway, to recap, last year was a year of transitions for me. It was a really difficult year and I had to get rid of some terrible friendships I was stuck in. To top it off, internship has been one crazy exhausting ride. At the end of the year I had not accomplished all the things I thought I would have and I was not where I wanted to be. As much as I had that Aha! moment when I decided to join the internship, I still struggle with the implications. Support raising is not easy and it is not fun. My pride has taken a serious bashing and will probably take some more this year. Additionally, my identity was so wrapped up in the career I thought I was called to that I still can't fully accept that I work in the church. Finally, I know it seems vain, and I know this is pure pride, but it literally took months before I agreed to put in the title 'intern' into my email signature. At the beginning of 2014 I had just graduated again, I was sure of my calling and career path, and I was ready to take on the world. I knew that it would be a magnificent year. I was ready to realize all those dreams and goals that I had carefully thought out. Then 2014 came with all its downs. When I took stock in December, I was gutted by the disparity between my plans and what happened. However, I realized something really important. I was not where I thought I would be but I was where God needed me to be. Yeah yeah yeah, I know how corny it sounds but it really is true. Throughout 2014 God granted me grace to do what I needed to do. Whether it was allowing me to be jobless so I could comfort a grieving friend and help my cousin with her business, or allowing me to go through tough situations so that I could really see who my real friends were. He used every situation to mould me and shape me. It was tough but my goodness He guided me through and I came out more than just unscathed. I have excelled in many ways in my internship and honestly, it still baffles me how all that happened. I can't explain the favor I have had with my supervisors or how I didn't quit or just explode during some of the volatile situations I was in. I look at myself sometimes and I honestly don't understand how I became that person. This highly competent person that other people see. Which brings us to the topic at hand; the new fear. One of the biggest things that has happened to me is that I have been offered a position in spearheading a ministry that encompasses all my experience, study, interests and passion. The day they told me about it I humbly and graciously accepted and then went nuts when I was with a friend. I literally could not stop smiling. Even now I can't believe it. I have told some people about it, but I try to keep a straight face and play down just how big this is for me and how excited I am. IT'S A PRETTY HUUUUUUGE DEAL!!!! 

If you know me, I do pretty much anything I am asked to do (at work) and I do it as excellently as I can. If you know me well, you know I am quick on my feet and I am a pretty good trouble shooter. If you know me really really well, you know that I freak out as soon as I am asked to do something. I have a tiny explosion in my head before I respond. Depending on the importance and possible repercussions of the task, I will have anything from a split second freak out to a talk-to-myself, numb-and-paralysed-with-fear and run-every-possible-horrible-outcome-in-my-mind reaction. The latter is the case this year. You see, this year is different. God has made it really clear over a long period of time that He has great plans for me and some of them begin this year. It may sound stupid but I am scared to death of those plans. I even spent my entire holiday avoiding my own thoughts so that I wouldn't have to process it all. I don't even know where to start with all of this. I am scared of trusting God because last year when I trusted Him He took away friends, hopes, dreams and a career path. I am scared that I am going to fail epicly and not just on my own in my tiny little intern's corner. I am scared of all the responsibilities that have been entrusted to me. I am scared that I will not attain my goals. I am scared that maybe I will achieve success but in the process alienate myself from family and friends because of my workaholic tendencies. In short, I am scared of it all and much much more (don't get me started on my fear of the dark). Despite all this fear I find great comfort in the fact that God tells us not to fear or be afraid 365 times in the bible. For all of 2015 I have nothing to fear. If there's anything I learned within the past few years, it's that people will let you down, but God never will. When He said He will never leave you nor forsake you, He meant it and He keeps all His promises. He has been with me; guiding me, loving me, caring for me, healing me, teaching me, holding me, helping me and carrying me. He has been on my side even when I wasn't on my own side. He has helped me even when it's my own foolishness that got me into a sticky situation. He has guided me back to the path when I have wondered off because of my stubborn and limited thinking. 

The truth is that in 2014 I had my own plans carefully crafted off of a bit of what God had told me. This year however, I have real hope because the dreams I stand on didn't come from me. I didn't create promises in my head and then decide to hold God to them. I didn't go out of my way to look for goals. I really truly believe that this year is a special year. It holds new dreams, new fears and shall be overflowing with new favor from God. I'm done with trusting God just for the little things. It's time my faith grew and I really trusted Him for the BIG THINGS... What are those things you were always too scared to pray for because you were scared He wouldn't answer? Test Him by trusting Him and you will see Him in all His Glory because our God is Big and Awesome and More than able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we can ask or imagine. This year that will be my testimony and I pray it will be yours too.