Carpe diem. Seize the day by doing the same thing over and over again....

Last Sunday Pst. Faith asked the congregation of Nairobi Chapel what one word described what they wanted from the new year; what one word describes your goal or what you want God to help you with? My word was  'HABITUATION'. 

I was at my friend Cucu Judy's farewell party when I first really thought of the word. Her husband had written words from A-Z that described her and he had more than 365 words to describe this wonderful lady. She is amazing; I could write several blogs about her. Anyway, I saw this word and it just sprang up at me. I mean, is it a good thing to be described as habitual? We all think that to be habitual is to be boring and predictable; to be ordinary. In fact, my generation is against habits (except drinking on weekends). We are about spontaneity and yelling 'YOLO' before we jump into some random and often stupid situation. We are all about eating life with a big spoon (if you don't get the fanta ad reference, you're too young). Our generation embraces sleeping in and binge watching entire television series. Our idea of making plans is to go to the kikoy festival every year or whatever big concert is happening. We all want to 'go with the flow' and do what our feelings tell us to do even if it means flaking out on our friends. 'I'ma do me' is the phrase of the day as we skip out on our responsibilities in order to go with what our flighty emotions demand. 

I know what you might be thinking and no, I am not just harping on other people. I have been that yolo-yelling-flaky-flighty-indecisive-girl too but then I grew up. I realized that if you skip classes all semester you will flunk. I discovered that hangovers are not that funny. It hit me that I really do only have one chance to live on this earth and do it right. I discovered that emotions are terribly useless things to base major decisions on. I discovered that a good nights' sleep really does make a difference with my health. I found out that my grandpa's cool song, 'early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise,' wasn't just a nice poem used to get me to sleep early, but a profound truth. Prov 6:10-11 'A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest-and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.'

Back to habituation. I dare you to research successful people and find one of them that isn't habitual. Why is Stephen Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people a best seller? Why are we all so obsessed with the habits of the rich? I mean, I even read an article the other day about how successful people wear the same clothes. Check it out here. Now I am not advocating for us all to wear the same uniform everyday, but there's a truth behind that habit that we need to learn. Habits and discipline aren't a restriction on our lives. In fact, I think spontaneity imprisons our minds in some ways. Let me explain. The brain is built to recognize patterns in our behaviour and then to automate these patterns. When we automate a process, we don't have to think about it anymore and so it frees our brains to think about a more complex process. For instance, think about driving. When you started learning how to drive you have to think about everything; where your feet go, checking the mirrors, even signalling requires your attention. You spend a lot of mental energy on these simple tasks but with time it becomes automatic. You don't even have to think about putting on your safety belt because your hands just do it as soon as you enter the car. So, how does automation/habituation cause freedom? Well, it makes the simple tasks automatic and saves your brain power for the really important stuff. So, instead of thinking about what he is going to wear everyday, Mark Zuckerberg can spend that brain energy on inventing that terrible double-blue-tick thing on whatsapp :) 

Another advantage of habituation is that it conditions your body. You can actually train your body to automatically respond to a series of activities. That's how we night-train children. But more importantly, if you usually have problems going to sleep, come up with a bed time routine; a series of activities that you do before you sleep each day and soon, if you perform those activities, regardless of how you were feeling, you'll find yourself asleep on time. Alternatively, you can have a morning routine that kick starts your brain.  

Additionally, habituation is the key to mastering spiritual disciplines. There is no way to nurture your faith without having cultivated faith habits. Scheduled quiet times, regular prayer, etc. I know a couple who wake up at 5 a.m. every day - EVERY DAY! to pray. I know others who wake up at 3 a.m. to pray and those couples have very stable and deep faith. Now, it is not a competition of who wakes up earlier and I'm not saying that only early risers grow in faith. What I have noted in many many more old christian couples who have deep faith, is that they are quite habitual. Now, back to real life. My dad, one of the most amazing men I know has been waking up early to jog for the longest time. All these successful people have discovered the freedom that is found in habituation and it's time my generation rediscovered the importance of discipline. Finally, for the adventurous like me, I can tell you that all these people have gone farther and visited more places than any of their 'go with the flow' friends. It's time to become habitual. Instead of yolo-ing your way into an early death, seize the day by creating some good godly habits. 

NEW YEAR, NEW FEAR, NEW FAVOR

Wow, it has been a shamefully long time since I wrote! Let's just say I was extra busy from late October to December- busy and very emotional. I decided not to blog because it would have ended up being a long rant and the internet does not need one more angry lady spewing her discontent all over our news feeds (yes I'm referring to that Njoki Chege chick.... SMH). 

Anyway, to recap, last year was a year of transitions for me. It was a really difficult year and I had to get rid of some terrible friendships I was stuck in. To top it off, internship has been one crazy exhausting ride. At the end of the year I had not accomplished all the things I thought I would have and I was not where I wanted to be. As much as I had that Aha! moment when I decided to join the internship, I still struggle with the implications. Support raising is not easy and it is not fun. My pride has taken a serious bashing and will probably take some more this year. Additionally, my identity was so wrapped up in the career I thought I was called to that I still can't fully accept that I work in the church. Finally, I know it seems vain, and I know this is pure pride, but it literally took months before I agreed to put in the title 'intern' into my email signature. At the beginning of 2014 I had just graduated again, I was sure of my calling and career path, and I was ready to take on the world. I knew that it would be a magnificent year. I was ready to realize all those dreams and goals that I had carefully thought out. Then 2014 came with all its downs. When I took stock in December, I was gutted by the disparity between my plans and what happened. However, I realized something really important. I was not where I thought I would be but I was where God needed me to be. Yeah yeah yeah, I know how corny it sounds but it really is true. Throughout 2014 God granted me grace to do what I needed to do. Whether it was allowing me to be jobless so I could comfort a grieving friend and help my cousin with her business, or allowing me to go through tough situations so that I could really see who my real friends were. He used every situation to mould me and shape me. It was tough but my goodness He guided me through and I came out more than just unscathed. I have excelled in many ways in my internship and honestly, it still baffles me how all that happened. I can't explain the favor I have had with my supervisors or how I didn't quit or just explode during some of the volatile situations I was in. I look at myself sometimes and I honestly don't understand how I became that person. This highly competent person that other people see. Which brings us to the topic at hand; the new fear. One of the biggest things that has happened to me is that I have been offered a position in spearheading a ministry that encompasses all my experience, study, interests and passion. The day they told me about it I humbly and graciously accepted and then went nuts when I was with a friend. I literally could not stop smiling. Even now I can't believe it. I have told some people about it, but I try to keep a straight face and play down just how big this is for me and how excited I am. IT'S A PRETTY HUUUUUUGE DEAL!!!! 

If you know me, I do pretty much anything I am asked to do (at work) and I do it as excellently as I can. If you know me well, you know I am quick on my feet and I am a pretty good trouble shooter. If you know me really really well, you know that I freak out as soon as I am asked to do something. I have a tiny explosion in my head before I respond. Depending on the importance and possible repercussions of the task, I will have anything from a split second freak out to a talk-to-myself, numb-and-paralysed-with-fear and run-every-possible-horrible-outcome-in-my-mind reaction. The latter is the case this year. You see, this year is different. God has made it really clear over a long period of time that He has great plans for me and some of them begin this year. It may sound stupid but I am scared to death of those plans. I even spent my entire holiday avoiding my own thoughts so that I wouldn't have to process it all. I don't even know where to start with all of this. I am scared of trusting God because last year when I trusted Him He took away friends, hopes, dreams and a career path. I am scared that I am going to fail epicly and not just on my own in my tiny little intern's corner. I am scared of all the responsibilities that have been entrusted to me. I am scared that I will not attain my goals. I am scared that maybe I will achieve success but in the process alienate myself from family and friends because of my workaholic tendencies. In short, I am scared of it all and much much more (don't get me started on my fear of the dark). Despite all this fear I find great comfort in the fact that God tells us not to fear or be afraid 365 times in the bible. For all of 2015 I have nothing to fear. If there's anything I learned within the past few years, it's that people will let you down, but God never will. When He said He will never leave you nor forsake you, He meant it and He keeps all His promises. He has been with me; guiding me, loving me, caring for me, healing me, teaching me, holding me, helping me and carrying me. He has been on my side even when I wasn't on my own side. He has helped me even when it's my own foolishness that got me into a sticky situation. He has guided me back to the path when I have wondered off because of my stubborn and limited thinking. 

The truth is that in 2014 I had my own plans carefully crafted off of a bit of what God had told me. This year however, I have real hope because the dreams I stand on didn't come from me. I didn't create promises in my head and then decide to hold God to them. I didn't go out of my way to look for goals. I really truly believe that this year is a special year. It holds new dreams, new fears and shall be overflowing with new favor from God. I'm done with trusting God just for the little things. It's time my faith grew and I really trusted Him for the BIG THINGS... What are those things you were always too scared to pray for because you were scared He wouldn't answer? Test Him by trusting Him and you will see Him in all His Glory because our God is Big and Awesome and More than able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we can ask or imagine. This year that will be my testimony and I pray it will be yours too. 

We're all like Sakura...

This week my cat has driven me absolutely up the wall. You see, every so often he gets this urge to out there and be a male cat and he disappears for a day or two and comes back with scratches and injuries. Once it was so bad I had to take him to the vet and he was cleaned up and prescribed for the cone of shame... hahahaha he looked so dumb in a cone! Anyway, I digress.... 

This week seems to be mating season and he was driven out by his natural instincts. For four days we didn't see him, but he was running around all over the estate and beyond trying to find a mate. My mum and I were worried sick about him and when we did finally see him, he was no longer this docile, and slightly cowardly cat we know. It was 6 a.m. on Thursday morning when I was woken by his noisy and very loud meowling (mix between a meow and howl; that annoying call they make in mating season). Any attempts at bringing him home were first ignored, then met with anger and a desperate attempt to escape. When he finally did come home yesterday, after five days of not eating, he was haggard and starving. He quickly finished the food on his bowl and begged for more. He finished an entire glass of milk and seemed to be so tired that he could barely sit. We didn't recognise this thin, tired, confused animal. You could see he wanted to sleep in a bit, but he was soon out of the door again, meowling at his (maybe inexistent) girlfriend. Before he left, he sat on our kitchen floor looking exhausted and spent. My mum was very sorry for him, but she was also upset with him because the previous morning when I'd tried to bring him home he had acted like a wild cat. I remember telling her that it wasn't his fault. It was his natural instinct driving him. My poor sweet, calm, slightly cowardly Sakura is forced to go out and be what he is, an animal, a slave to natural instincts. 

As soon as I said it, it hit me. Suddenly all those verses about us being slaves to nature came flooding my mind. We are all like Sakura. We get these natural instincts to go and do something, often sinful, and because we put so much power in our feelings, we follow these instincts and spend our energy fulfilling our body's desires. Pride, loneliness, greed, depression, fear, anxiety, sadness, hurt, anger, you name it; these feelings come into our lives and suddenly we are working on autopilot. They drive us out of the comfort of the Maker's presence as we go on a bender. It doesn't matter if the Father calls out to us morning and night. It is not until we are desperately tired, spiritually starved and bruised, that we go stalking back home. The Master sees us and comes running and calling out for us. He meets us outside, tuts and croons at us as He carries us home. At home He feeds us and dresses our wounds as we gripe and bite at Him as He cleans our sores. We slowly begin to regain strength and spend our days in His presence being nourished until we are growing on the inside. We tell ourselves, 'Never again!' and soon that phase of our lives is forgotten as our wounds heal and scars fade. Then one day some other feeling comes up and the desires are so strong and real that we are convinced that surely, even God who made me and those desires must want me to respond to them. So, out we go again, into the night to meowl and chase after temporary pleasures that will leave us bruised, or in some cases, eventually kill us.... 

It doesn't have to be that way because on the cross Jesus defeated the things of the world and freed us from that slavery. We do not have to put so much weight on our feelings. We do not have to respond to every single natural instinct just because it is natural . Everyone has that one weakness; that one desire that they give in to that drives them from the presence of God. That thing that keeps them away from God later on even though they are hurting. The good news is that Jesus has overcome the world and that includes our human nature. We are all like Sakura, but we don't all have to act like Sakura. In 1 Corinth 9 Paul talks about how he disciplines his body into submission. That is the way it is. We may no longer be slaves, but we first have to change those habits we created before we gave our lives over in submission to God. It is a daily decision to do what is right, a daily struggle to fight those desires, but by God's transforming Grace, it begins to become less hard. Instead of what Paul describes in Romans 7:15, over time we find that we no longer struggle to do that which we want to do. We slowly find it easier to not do what we don't want to do. God transform us from the inside until the human nature is less and that work is finally completed in Heaven. However, our role in God's transformation process, is to actively choose to fight our human nature and discipline our bodies. We don't get to sit back and let God do all the work. Our role can be hard, but God provides the Holy Spirit to give us the courage and strength to do it everyday. God's grace is like leeway to make mistakes so even when we do give in and go all 'Sakura', He welcome us back and cares for us. It is an amazing process really, one that requires hard work, but is ultimately rewarding in that it allows us to make room for God to be Lord in our lives through constant submission to His will instead of our natural instincts. What's even better is finding out each time that His way and His will are more than just superior to ours; His will is more amazing than we could have imagined and leaves us better off than we were before, Isn't that just wonderful? When we surrender ourselves fully to God instead of to our human nature, we open ourselves to being used by God in such amazing ways that it constantly leaves us in awe. 

Next time you get this natural instinct, take a pause and tell yourself, 'Don't be like Sakura.' 

PS, this blog was not just another excuse to talk about my cat..... or was it? muahahahahahaha..... :) 

Fickle heart will get you hurt

I can't believe it's been a month since I last blogged. *Hanging my head in shame*

It's not that I haven't learned anything all month; I have actually done a lot this month, but I was so caught up on the little things that I forgot to look up. The month began pretty wonderfully with a relaxing three day retreat. I have come to the end of my first quarter in Kinara and it was a time for reflection, relaxation and re-strategizing. I realized that I came into this internship with my own agenda hidden within my following of God's will. Over the past few months He has broken me down and moulded me to fit into His will and my goodness that has been a process. But above all that, I have found such a fulfillment in this role that I honestly could not picture being happier or doing more in any other organization right now. Truth is when I joined it wasn't with arms wide open. I was leaping into the unknown with my head full of anxiety and apprehension. I was trusting God because I knew that He wanted me here, but I part of the reason I was obeying was because of the whole story of Jonah (I was not about to waste my time in whatever whale God would have used to swallow me up). I know it doesn't seem very 'spiri' of me, but that is the truth and I think that's an okay response. Faith calls for obedience whether or not we know where we're going. My friend described it as being blind folded and listening to God's instruction as He tells us where to go.... I digress though... where was I? oh yah, the retreat. 

My goodness that was a marvelous time. I have been reading C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia for the umptinth time and that guy is a great author. Dallas Willard wrote that the art of a great teacher is putting something in such a way that even though you do not understand it, you remember it. C.S Lewis was a great teacher. Those books are so scripture inspired that you can see it in the small things. I was really inspired when I was reading the 6th book, 'The Silver Chair'. Aslan (the great son of the Emporor over the sea), gave this girl some instructions and he had her repeat them to him. They were instructions to guide her and her companion on a journey he was sending them on. At the time they were standing in the mountains, above and away from all the issues in the city. He had her repeat the instructions over and over until she got them and asked her to always repeat them. He warned her that although up in the mountains she could hear him clearly, it would be harder to hear him in the city and on the journey. He recited them with her once more and sent her on her way.  As soon as she arrived, she had forgotten the first instructions and as the journey wore on, she forgot to repeat the instructions and got caught up in the journey that he had sent her on. Her disobedience almost cost her and her companions their lives.

That was me this whole month. During the retreat I had the greatest clarity. I had great plans and I was going to maintain the momentum that I had built in those three days. I was ready for action. I was sure I was going to have longer, better devotion time and prayer time, and all those other things we tell ourselves when we are having fun planning what wonderful lives we're going to live. However, as soon as we were done with the retreat I turned my phone on and reality came rushing in. The rest of the week was a blurr of emails, phone calls and all the crazy running up and down for the camp I was directing. I am so very grateful for the fact that God does not treat us the way we deserve. During camp I worked hard; as in I was run ragged for those two weeks but my focus wasn't always on Him. My devotion was reduced to the daily devotional preparations I made before camp began and my prayer life consisted of sitting in the staff room and praying while the camp was going on and I had a 5 minute breather. This month I failed to have Jesus as the center of my work and life and I am quite sure it showed. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. I leaned on my own understanding and strength this month and it was a disaster. I was burned out within 3 weeks. Btw by burnout I mean serious burnout. My work was being impared, it took more strength to do small things, I was dizzy and nursing a headache for a lot of the last week and was lacking in joy. At some point I was teaching a group of pre-teens and their attitudes almost reduced me to tears. That was when I knew that I was being ridiculous and had failed terribly to prepare in the proper manner. I don't mean planning the lesson- I'd done that- I mean I had failed to pray about it and it showed. I was anxious and impatient that day and those young girls surely deserve to have me at my best. 

I have slowly come to realize that moments of peace are not just about granting us rest. They are meant to be times when we can equip ourselves for the next step. We get restless in rest. I remember some members of my group struggling with the silence rules of the convent where we were having our retreat. I had already learned that lesson and I am not afraid of time alone, so I was okay with it. My problem, however, comes when we decend from the mountain and are back in the city noise. All the distractions around us make it really hard to remmeber to focus on God. I forget the instructions I got, I forget to repeat them to myself; I forget who sent me on this journey, and I end up making wrong decisions or working with twice the effort to do something that would have been easier if done the right way. My autopilot in times of chaos is to buckle down and work hard. That's not right, but I need to create a new autopilot. My emergency systems need to include God- they need to be centered on Him or I'll end up in the situation I was in this month. I always got annoyed when I read 'The Silver Chair' because I was sure that the girl was silly for forgetting such simple instruction. I felt the same way about the Israelites and all the grumbling and forgetting they did. Yet that is the very nature of my soul right now. I am a fickle person with a fickle heart and mind. I forget the simple instruction and wind up hurting myself in the process. The beauty of God is that He doesn't watch us fumbling and making a mess; He comes down and blesses the mess by transforming it into what He originally planned. Thus, the camp went marvelously well. I cannot take any credit for the success of those two weeks. God found ways of amazing me and talking to me each day. I was transformed anew by an old story and He allowed me to be a huge part of the transformation of many children's lives. What a privilege. I am humbled by how God came through for us at that camp. I can't say it will never happen again, but my prayer really is that I would stop leaning on my own wisdom and really let God be the center of everything I do. That's partly why I love this song so much; no matter how much I ruin things, God comes in His glory shines through the cracks and toppled walls. 

Failure is not an option but it is inevitable; be a gracious loser.

It has been a while since I posted but this one has been on my mind for the last two weeks. I am a person who lives by the principle, 'Failure is not an option'. However, life being what it is, failure is inevitable. The other day we were at a team building retreat and we were split into groups. During the first group activity my team excelled. It was a difficult task and it managed to boggle our collective brains for a while, but eventually, we figured it out and finished the activity long before the other group started moving. The activity leader saw that we had finished and set before us a similar task and put obstacles in our entire process. Still in the end, we finished before the other group. We silently watched them complete the task and when they were done we applauded them. Later on when we were discussing the task, the leader commended the team that had lost over and over and I was just completely upset. I wondered to myself, why are we sometimes so terrible at accepting failure? 

If you have watched sports these days, we are telling our children that all that matters is that they had fun or that everyone is a winner for having done their best. Well, I would like to call the BS card on that philosophy. Why are we babying losers? Okay, hold up, before you close this page, hear me out. I have been a massive loser. In high school I played on a basketball team that only won 3 matches in the four years that I played. Yeah. 3 wins in 4 years!!!!! At some point I was the captain of that team so I was basically the captain of the losers. (hahahahaha I can laugh now). However, our terrible record did not stop us from going to the court and practicing every single day for an hour n half. At some point we were only 5 of us and there we even had a number of coaches quit on us. I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LOSE/FAIL. I know what it is like to go onto the court facing gigantic girls (we suspect some of them were over 20 years) knowing that we would likely fail. I know what it is like to have a match score reach the triple digits while were on single digit scores. Yet every single match we went in ready to do our best. We actually tried to win. Each time we were called for a match we went. We showed up with our heads held high and when we were beat we shook their hands and commended them on a good game. There was never a time when we didn't score a single shot, and there were even times when the game was tied to the last minute or when the other team won on a technicality, but nevertheless, almost doesn't count. Failure is failure and I've got 4 years' experience in it :) I'm not talking about failure like they show in the movies where you start by failing then some great mentor comes your way to motivate you (cue motivational song with a montage of getting your act together) and finally you getting it right. No, in life sometimes the underdog doesn't win. Sometimes you just fail and that is that.  

Having revealed history of failure, I still think that YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD WHEN YOU FAIL. This talk of 'as long as you did your best' does not get you far. It is important to commend people for their hard work but you should not make failure such a bad thing that you don't even acknowledge it. The message you are sending is that 'failure is so bad that we don't want to call you a failure in case you give up...' (I call the nonesence card again). What that this whole habit of commending failures and making them feel better about themselves does, is that it makes them complacent. They start to accept failure. You do not want to create complacency. You do not want people aiming for mediocrity and accepting sub-standard performances. You want to inspire them to keep trying. Remember that bad feeling you get when you fail? Well it drives you to keep trying. It makes you work harder the next time. It makes the wins that much sweeter and it makes you better. 

Even though I have failed so many times, what that has taught me, is to keep trying no matter what. What it has also taught me is to accept my own failures knowing that the world will not end. The last two weeks I have failed at certain tasks and it is not good, but it is okay. The fact that I do not fear failure allowed me to seek out help before the failure inconvenienced the rest of my colleagues on the project we were working on. I can tell you that admitting defeat was one of the toughest things I could have done. Writing that email acknowledging my failure hurt real bad and took a lot of courage, but I have a colleague on the same project who sat on his failure all month long and in the end compromised our project. His refusal to acknowledge that he had failed brought the team down in the task. Is failure really that bad? I have to admit, I feel gutted each time I feel. I am embarrassed that I was not competent enough to complete the task or that I made a mistake. Failure hurts. However, the one thing that it doesn't do, is make me question my efficacy. My identity is not placed on my ability to perform; it is in my creator and who He says I am. Even though I have failed I know I am not a failure because He made me a victor. Because I do not fear failure, I learn from those failures. Sometimes I fail over and over at the same thing, but that just means I have to work harder and pray harder. I know that fear of failure is a huge motivator, but when you fear something you become a slave to it. You avoid it AT ALL COSTS. What does that mean? You cut corners, pay bribes, cheat, etc, to get ahead. There's no place for fear in Christianity. Christ died so that we could be free of all the things that enslave us. Fear of failure is one of those things. I used to fear failure and every so often that feeling rears its head again, but it happens less and less. Now I don't like failure so I avoid it, but I don't work like a dog to avoid it at all costs. Instead I work hard because I have freedom. Not freedom to fail, but freedom to win. Freedom to get up when I fail and to keep trying. Freedom to know that letting go is not giving up. Freedom to admit defeat and ask for help. And oh how great that freedom feels. It enables me to try wind surfing and spend an afternoon falling off the board as a crowd of beach goers laugh and my friend films it. It even allows me to finally stop trying after an hour of swallowing water and injuries from the sail falling on me. Finally, that freedom from the fear of failure allows me to show the videos to my friends even though I only finally managed to wind surf a 5 foot distance. I don't show it as the time I wind surfed, but the times I failed to wind surf. (hala at me if you want to see the videos).

I'll have you know, by the way, that in the afternoon session the other team completely DESTROYED us on the field while we played touch rugby. Our team accepted defeat and shook hands with them and commended them on a good game. 

A second by the way, although this post is dotted with instances of failure, both epic and small, I have won innumerable times and boy is victory sweet! :) The best thing about failure and it's inevitability is that we can ALWAYS count on God to steer us to victory, to be the strength in our weakness, and to help us heal our wounds. 

Beneath the beautiful

Well, this is a post I've wanted to write for several years now. I never had the courage to do so, neither have I ever found the right angle to tackle it from . It's just one of those things that are so close to the heart that you don't want to be misunderstood. It all started with a post by Eve, sharing Colbie Caillat's Try .  

"Put your make-up on

Get your nails done

Curl your hair

Run the extra mile

Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on

Don't be shy, girl

Take it off

This is what you want, to belong, so they like you

Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to, give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing"

On Saturday my colleague, called me aside and asked me advise on a certain situation. She wanted to know how to counsel a teenage girl who was suffering from depression stemming from her low self esteem because she was teased about her size.... As she spoke, all the I pushed aside came rushing back. I'd been on that journey, and perhaps am still on it. Not so long ago I was in her shoes. I despised the person I saw in the mirror and believed what the world had to told me about my looks. From plump, to large, big, obese, oversize, fat, huge, curvy, big boned, thick or the latest one- plus size, I've been called all of these and more from when I was young. It came from 'well meaning people', mean schoolmates, friends, relatives who thought they were being funny, frustrated tailors and strangers. I can't count the number of tears I've cried over the years because of all the hurtful, mean, painful, 'jokes' or statements from countless people. I've been told I was lazy, I've had diets suggested to me and I've been told that I have a pretty face; I'd be beautiful if I lost some weight. Now, I know that kids are mean and they don't always know how hurtful they are being, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. And the 'sticks and stones' thing we tell ourselves does nothing to help that hurt. Then there's the adults. They SHOULD KNOW BETTER! Don't make cute little quips about children's size! Don't joke about how chubby they are! You're only adding to the piles of mean comments that child has faced and will continue to face. I think I tried to diet from as young as 8. I slept on the bottom bunk of a double decker bed so I would write all my plans to lose weight on the top bunk. Every time I failed I tried something else. I tried to starve myself and I even tried to make myself throw up. It was a happy solution at first but I soon lost my gag reflex. (I laugh now that I even failed at being bulimic, but back then, it was another thing to add to the list of my failures.) We had countless talks in school about self esteem, but all I got from it was that you shouldn't let people know you have low self esteem. So I learned from a young age to package my 'ugly' body well. After puberty hit, I wasn't much better off. The difference was that the fat had redistributed itself and now people called me 'curvy'. Men objectified me and I was little more than a big butt (is that the most polite term for it? oh well...) So post puberty didn't really do much better for me. I was either the object of unwanted horrid attention (catcalls are the most humiliating thing in the world) or the object of ridicule. I could never do anything right. It wasn't that I was unhealthy. I played basketball and swam from primary school and was even the games captain in highschool. I have been a dancer n choreographer, I have tried pilates, aerobics, zumba, cycling, walking, jogging and had several gym memberships. I have climbed mount Kenya and I have won awards for dance, yet people still choose to see me as a lazy person. I never once believed a single compliment from anyone was genuine. I figured they were only impressed by my ability to hide my flaws in my clothes and as for guys, they were only after me for my body. So for about 20 years I loathed the body I was trapped in but I would never have admitted it to anyone. I figured I'd fake my confidence till the day I actually had it...

As I tried to answer my co-worker on how she should counsel that teenager, I wondered what would

possibly have helped me not so long ago. Would anyone's words have pulled me out of that pit of self-hate that I had lived in for so long? Would any number of mental exercises have made me see that I was more than what the world thought of me? Would it have made a difference when I was sticking my tongue down my throat or cutting my wrists? I don't know. What I do know is that it is pretty obvious that we have a problem. I discovered this new world of 'plus size' fashion, literature and magazines that seems to be based on making big (is that the politically correct term?) women/girls appreciate their bodies. It tries to fight body shaming and while you do find a lot of hate towards 'skinny b****', it lets people of my size (lol seriously, what term should I use?) to appreciate themselves. It's not just that. African women in all continents are only just embracing their natural hair in a huge movement. There is a sudden flux of feel good art, poetry and music centering on appreciating who you are. In extreme cases the new movement feel superior to their 'oppressors' (e.g the skinny b****s references or natural hair girls judging women with relaxed hair)... There's a lot of body positive messages out there, and what that tells me is people are realizing how serious the problem. However, one thing that is common is that they are all trying to convince people that they are beautiful. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone is beautiful, but they get it wrong. As much as it is good to have images in the media representing what real women look like, the truth is believing you are beautiful doesn't change your inside. It wasn't until I let God transform my heart that I finally stopped fighting with my outward appearance.

I know the whole inner beauty thing is a bit very cliche, but it is true. Beyonce is a gorgeous lady to many, but truth is her inside is rotten and you can see it in her most recent album. Behind that bootylicious, curvy confident goddess image that she puts forth, you can see that her identity is tied to her looks and she is desperate for the approval of the world. Just take a good look at her videos and listen to her lyrics. You'll see a girl who would fall apart if she ever lost her worshipped 'booty'. No amount of fame, gyming, squats, sit ups and styling will make you better on the inside. Only God can fix our insides. There's a peace, joy and beauty that only comes from communing with God. Make up and expensive weaves will only cover up so much. Everyone knows it. Just go to the club and you'll see how badly people want to fill that empty space in their hearts. It's why Caro is twerking and grinding because she thinks that makes her attractive. It's why Shiku moves from one bad relationship to another. It's why Yvonne plies on the make up heavily and has her cleavage out on display. Low self esteem is why Faith is stuck in an abusive relationship. It's why I only played games and manipulated guys, never letting them get close to me. It is why so many women die from botched plastic surgery. We go about trying to gain approval from a fickle audience that will never appreciate us. We starve, fight and spend so much money trying to chase beauty. We kill ourselves trying to match up to unrealistic standards. It's a never ending race that only ends when we die. 

To that young girl struggling with loving herself. To younger me and millions of young women my age or older, I wish you would realize that you are truly never going to win. The track you are on will NEVER let up. You will never catch a break. You will never be beautiful enough or pretty enough, thin enough or curvy enough. You will never be okay with the person you see in the mirror. You will never stop seeking the approval of others. Not until you truly surrender yourself to God. He will change you from the inside. He will help you learn to appreciate the body He put you in. He will help you stop chasing after unrealistic standards. He will give you new eyes with which to look at yourself and others. He will teach you to love Him, yourself and others. He will give you a companion who will love you as you should be loved. He will help you stop chasing after men's approval. He will give you all those qualities which shine from the inside giving you a glow no amount of age defying cream will produce. He will put that spring in your step, give you that graceful walk that no amount of coaching could produce. I smile a lot. I was born smiling, but somewhere along the way that smile changed. But now, I smile more because I have known depression. God will give you a sparkle in your eyes that can only come from joy; He'll give you a genuine smile that can only come from knowing peace and hope. Yes, the therapy and body positive exercises will help, but in the end only God can truly solve this monumental problem. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, dare to take that journey with God. You've spent so much money and yet you still cry yourself to sleep; you are afraid of the bathroom scale, or you avoid the mirror. Give God a chance. I did, in 2011 and I never regretted it. Drop me an inbox, email or take me for coffee and I'll tell you more about that incredible journey. Mary Mary summarize my points well in 'God in me'. 

*This is not a 'woe is me' 'i had a tough childhood' post. It is just part of my journey that I hope will help someone else out there. So no 'woiye's for me. Oh and yes, the title is inspired by the song by Larbinth and Emeli Sande 'Beneath you beautiful' (looove the song) 

Chaos and juggling don't always go together

Review the camp curriculum, review the budget, locate the gifts, write the reports, follow up on dance class, deal with angry parents, work on the presentation, do the event proposal, work on the dissertation article, do laundry, tidy room, write to ministry supporters, catch up with the friends, exercise, get some rest, read books for the book report, plug-in and d-group, handle that crisis, have quiet time, follow up on parenting class,  respond to snail mail, emails and inboxes.... breathe! No, I haven't go time for that....  

Last week should have been the most relaxed week ever. I had three days of R'n'R after Isiolo during which I caught up with some friends and tried to bring some order into my life. I deliberately chose not to even think about work during those three days because I had realized that my social life was suffering as a result of my busy lifestyle. So, for three days I woke up late, did my laundry, tidied up, wrote letters, caught up with friends and generally was feeling very zen. I soon realized that I couldn't possibly meet with everyone I needed to at once, but that was okay. I was, after all, supposed to be resting. I told myself I could finish catching up later... That's how Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went. I was happy, I was relaxed and I was pretty chilled. Well, that was until Wednesday night when I remembered that I have to go back to work on Thursday. I lay awake in bed for an hour, my head as busy as a hornet of bees buzzing with all the work I had to do as soon as I got back. I have so many deadlines due and so little time to do them! Of course failure is not an option and giving up is for the weak. The chaos in my head was about to spin out of control and before my brain could convince my body to get up and start on some of the work, I talked myself into falling asleep. Thursday morning came and the first thing I did when I got to the office was to panic because of the enormity of the tasks that lay before me. I allowed myself two minutes of paralysis from fear before I sat down to make my to-do list. I organised my tasks and broke them down into manageable bits and by the time I was done with that I was ready to take on the day (well, that good feeling lasted about 3 minutes till the power went out.) *Cue second panic. I decided to just talk to all the people I needed to and then to go work from elsewhere. After all, standing around catching up with people or just complaining about the power outage wasn't going to reduce the size of my to-do list. I had quite the productive morning but by 11 am I was ready to pull out my hair. By Thursday afternoon I was wondering why I was still in the internship, and by the time I got home on Friday I was wondering what I was doing with my life. One thing was clear, though, I had bitten off more than I could chew. 

The last month or so I have been assigned task after task and they just kept piling up; they were coming in faster than I could clear them up. I was given responsibilities that I had not sought after and my shoulders stooped more and more each day as the burdens increased. My friends have told me that sometimes I am too nice and I should learn to say no. The first one I ignored, but when several more talked about it at different occasions, I figured, perhaps they have a point. I have a tendency to run myself ragged in order to get tasks done. I took on extra courses in my undergrad, took part in extra curricular activities and was working in an internship all at once. Maybe I have a superwoman complex and it is not sustainable. I am just THAT CHIC. :) At work I get things done and because my superiors have seen this I am assigned more work. Now, that is all well and good. I cannot complain because God has helped me get a lot of things done. I seriously don't know how I could have done any of those things without him. However, that only goes so far. Someone once said that,"If you are too busy to have a prayer life and quiet time, then you are busier than God wants you to be." A while back I would have laughed at the concept because I am a 'get it done' type of person, but now I see the truth in those words. When you find yourself juggling too many things, something will eventually give; you'll drop a ball and sometimes it's the most important ball. That day came for me this week and I had to face the fact that it is all too much. I dropped the QT ball and I dropped the dance class ball. Now, the QT ball is generally what fuels my life. I do not have a single hope of accomplishing anything without God. He is the one that gives me creativity, wisdom, and the drive to keep going. So, I was running on an empty tank for part of the week and I felt the difference. The little things got to me easily and I was frustrated and tired way too often.  I can excuse away the dance class thing because the task had been handed to me as a mess, but if I had had the time to work on it, then it wouldn't have gone on so muddled up. 

The other day someone was talking about not taking work home and I just laughed. What do you mean leave your work at home??? When will anything ever get done? I know, I know about that whole work-life balance but honestly, when I have about 6 hrs of time to actually work during the week, then work just has to get taken home. But you know what has happened? Then I am too tired to get other little things done. That's how I end up with piles of laundry and friends who are upset at me because it takes so long for me to respond to texts. Balls have been dropped and it's time I realize that my system is flawed. I had just picked up a new hobby but being at work on Saturday at 6 killed that dream. So what can I do? My system is flawed and as much as I want to get things done, I am failing in too many areas. I had to get to a point where I realized that doing few things excellently is better than doing many things in mediocrity. I realized this a month ago over coffee with my bff and I decided to start making changes. I decided to stop being a snob at home by getting home and going straight to my room to blackout/work, and to instead sit with my parents for a while. I set aside time to see my friends and time for my QT. One of the biggest ironies of working in a church is that I don't really get to go to church. I felt it affecting my spiritual life because praise n worship has a special place in my heart. I feel like I am missing out on something very important and the DVDs they give us don't cut it. I tried skipping off in my free breaks to catch bits of the sermon but that's not so effective. Yesterday I attended an evening service at another church and I think I may have found my solution. For the perfectionist, life can be very very frustrating. There are too many variables that we can't control and too many opportunities for failure. Learning to keep calm and saying the serenity prayer over n over can only take you so far. The life of a perfectionist is thus one of constant anger and disappointment. However, I am learning to keep calm. Only God's peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding is sufficient for me. I read on one blog by RELEVANT Magazine, that, 

"Life is not about finding the perfect balance, but about perfecting balancing." 

Those words completely change my outlook in life. There is no such thing as the perfect balance. Every time you find the 'perfect balance' the variables change. And that is okay because life is dynamic and always changing (change is the only constant in life... well except God). Therefore, I don't have to work on this perfect fomula to life; one hour of QT + 30 minutes exercise + 5 hours of work + 2 hrs reading + 8 hours of sleep= Happy me. It will always change and I just have to learn to change with it. I have to learn to keep working on my balancing act knowing that it shall go on all my life until the final curtain falls. I have to acknowledge that and be okay with it. I am great at anticipating the challenges and changes and flowing with them, but I REALLY REALLY have to learn to say no. I have purposed to learn how to say no and I even enlisted the help of a few friends to keep me accountable. Saying no, especially to my superiors, is incredibly hard for me, but this weekend I had an opportunity to do so and I respectfully withdrew myself from work that is out of my Job Description and you know what? All went well. I spent the afternoon with my sister and friends visiting a children's home and the world did not come crashing down because I wan't at work :) YAY me for saying no! I mentioned it to some colleagues and they recommended the book 'Boundaries' by Cloud & Townsend and that is the latest book in my library. I am completely dedicated to trying to being better; a better friend, a better employee, a better person, a better daughter n sister, and I truly think that learning how and when to use this two letter word will make a difference. I will try and pick up a hobby once more and to exercise more and to be faithful in my QT.  I can't promise to stop taking work home (that's just ridiculous and I would be lying to myself) but I can try to make more time for family and for recreation and resting. Fortunately, I have my whole life to perfect this 'balancing' act. No pressure :)