TAKING THE HARD WAY

I KNEW IT! As soon as I heard the destination of our boot-camp I just knew they'd make us do it and I dreaded it the whole journey there. At some point it started raining and I rejoiced. My mind was playing Let it Rain on repeat :) But alas, God decided to answer the prayers of our camp facilitators and just as quickly as it had come, the rain was gone. They led us through all the other typical team building activities but they weren't fooling me; I knew what they were doing and I was not buying what they were peddling. You see, I am an active camp hater.

I dislike camps with every fiber of my being. I love nature and I don't really mind the cold showers and living out of a tent aspects of camping; it's group camps that I loathe. The concept of throwing people into a foreign environment and taking them through a series of activities that are meant to make them bond is ridiculous to me. I feel that it is an unnatural way of forming lasting relationships and that these relationships formed are superficial and weak. Add to that the fact that in camps you are stuck with a large group of people all day and night, and forced to stick to a rigid schedule, and you've got the introvert in me who needs alone time running scared. All those feelings and thoughts gathered in my head like a storm brewing and I walked around letting everyone know how much I was not looking forward to it. (Yeah, what a serious buzzkill! I don't know why these people I call friends put up with me). Anyway, here I am forced into a difficult situation in an environment I dislike. What do I do? As much as I love a good pity party, I soon got over myself and decided to just dive in and make the most of it.

I decided that I would push myself to participate actively and to try to reduce my grumbling to a few sighs and sad sentences dispersed throughout the day. It wasn't too hard to do that because my fellow interns are incredible people. The campsite itself was one I had been to previously and at every other turn I was faced with bitter memories of a painful time in my life. Ghost memories of betrayal in the past followed me and threatened to completely destroy the experience for me. I remember at some point we had to do the trust falls and as much as I tried, I just could not loosen up. Every time I closed my eyes I remembered how my trust had been broken at that very site and I stiffened. I know I have trust issues and I was quick to acknowledge it. However, with each new activity I found myself coming out of my shell. I dare say I even had fun (cue fun song for the movie montage of camping activities yaaaaaay!) I didn't completely hate the early morning jogging and the cold showers . The thing that did it for me was the first devotional of the first day. Our facilitator talked about taking the hard way and I was challenged. I enjoy pushing myself. During my masters I even took a class I knew I would struggle with, just so I could open up my mind and challenge my world view. However, when it comes to trust I am a complete coward. Through out the camp I was challenged to put my trust in this group of strangers and little by little I found myself opening up and letting them in. I was getting pretty good at it until they took us to THE WALL.

My old nemesis stood there staring me down daring me to give up. I hate that wall - hate is a strong word but I really really don't like it. I had been over it before but that didn't give me any confidence in my ability to do it again. The wall is this 14 foot monstrosity that we all had to get over as a group. At the top is a ledge on which 4 people can pull the others up. For a while I stood there contemplating my options. Although they said that all of us had to take part, I was sure I could find a way to get out of it. I was ready to walk off and completely refuse to take part when I remembered the lesson of the day 'take the hard way'. It rung in my head until I finally decided to face my nemesis once more. Now, this wasn't like the movies where once the heroine decides she is up for the challenge she magically does it without displacing a hair on her head or breaking a nail. No, this was reality. When it was my turn to go up there was a lot of heaving and grunting (of those lifting me) and a lot of screaming, panicking and flailing of legs on my part. At one point I was sure I was going to fall and I remember looking in the eyes of the guy pulling me up and telling him not to let me go. I held on so tight I'm not sure how he was still breathing. Eventually, I was over and I sat to take my breathe, but not for long. It was now my turn to help others up. It was amazing how these people easily thrust themselves upwards towards me and trusted that we would get them over. 

I am very happy that I took the hard way that day because it led to me learning that trust is two-way. The more people trusted me, the easier it became for me to trust them and so by the end of that day I was ready to share with them things that I had never shared before. Needless to say, everything that I thought about camps was proven wrong last week because I chose to take the hard way. I chose to be optimistic and participate actively instead of grumbling; I chose to get up for early morning jogs instead of staying in bed with a made up excuse, and I also chose to be as trusting as I am trustworthy. 

The hard way is, as its name suggests, a difficult path, but it is always the better option. It always yields the best results and has always, in my experience, been an opportunity for growth and learning. Dare to take the hard way and let me know how it goes or tell me about your experience on the hard way. 

Full Immersion

Over the years I have learned that I am the type of person that doesn't do toe-dipping; I believe in an 'all or nothing', 'dive in like a dog following a ball' way of living. I like to fully commit to something. I believe that when I make a decision I should just stick to it and follow through. However, by the time I am making that decision I have carefully (sometimes obsessively) analysed every possible outcome and chosen the most favourable course of action. The bigger the decision, the more the research and the greater the anxiety. I've found that the greatest anxiety comes before I do something life changing and wonderful. I don't stand at the edge touching the water and easing myself in; I consider every angle and finally when I feel it's within God's will I just run and take the leap, trusting that God will not let me get hurt. I didn't always do that. 

I have been a christian for about 18 years and when I was in highschool I stopped saying the 'thy will be done' part of the Lord's prayer. You see, I'd read about people in the bible who had given themselves to God and He had asked them to do "crazy things". In the story of God asking Abraham to sacrifice Issac I saw a demanding God who was unpredictable. I was scared that God would ask me to do things that I couldn't or didn't want to do and I would end up like Jonah, stuck inside the belly of a whale. I knew I didn't mean that part of the Lord's prayer and so for around 7 years I didn't pray it. In 2011, however, I experienced God in a whole new way (long story for another day) and I saw how skewed my views had been. My new perspective of the INFINITELY WISE, INCOMPREHENSIBLE, GRACIOUS, LOVING and FAITHFUL God left me wanting to be a part of His work. Later the next year I discovered that God wants all of me. He died on the cross for all of me and He wants it all. There's no way to compartmentalise myself and tell Him "Okay God, you can be in my school life and my family life but my love life and career are out of bounds". I learned that God died so I could be fully free and the only way of doing that was to give myself away withholding nothing (link to William McDowell's marvelous worship medley). I learned to let go of everything and some things He gave me back renewed; some He disposed of and others He replaced with better things. It wasn't easy and it hurt, but letting go is always worth it in the end. 

 "...letting go is always worth it"

 So what does all this have to do with my internship?I'll get to the point in a bit.... This week I took the plunge in terms of the internship. I decided to shut out the voices of anxiety, fear and pride, and to just go in with an open mind and willing heart. This whole week was orientation week and I found out that I was now a cog in a very well oiled machine. Nairobi Chapel is an amazing organisation with a clear vision and mission that they are working towards.Everything about them including how they strive for excellence is impressive.  I get to be part of a much bigger picture than I have ever been. I found myself excited about everything, especially the work of the department I'll be in; that's the Social Justice department which I'll expound in the next blog. It was a great week, well, except for having to get up early :)  Jokes aside, I also felt challenged this week. 

I thought that I had put aside all my pride and, that after my struggles in 2012, I was no longer tying my identity to anything but Christ. Well, it turns out I am guilty of both offenses. Truth is during every introduction I have found a way of letting everyone know I have an MSc and in the brief moment when I mistakenly thought moving out of home was a requirement, I was ready to go in guns blazing to fight for my right to live at home and drive to work in my car (that my dad paid for). I also haven't made much progress in my support raising because of my pride. The final nail on the coffin was when they told us that as part of an interns' mission called 'Urban Plunge', we would be spending a week living and working in Kibera. Whaaat?! ?! I have no problems going to slums knowing that at the end of the day I can go back to my comfortable life, but living there is asking A WHOLE LOT. That was my first thought. How terrible. I've realised I had this pretty picture of what working in church would be like; I thought it would be comfortable and the only missions I'd go for are those out of the country. Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be real hard work and I knew it would take over a huge chunk (if not all) of my life, but the reality of it all is a lot to take in at once. It's like I dove into the water and I am being dragged down by a rock tied to my legs and I find myself struggling to breath for air or stay afloat. Acknowledging the sin is the first step, so I know I'm headed in the right direction, but I remain ashamed and amazed at how shallow, proud and materialistic I can be. I'm thinking of moving out of home. Perhaps leaving my comfort zone will teach me to be less materialistic and will allow me to fully immerse myself in the internship as I trust God for my everyday needs. Sometimes I think that thought is folly, but right now, well, I'm thinking it may be the best way forward. Above all, I am happy I started this journey. I am excited about my new colleagues and the great things we get to do and learn in this program. Perhaps all this is a sign of God starting His work of refining me. If so, boy will this be a stretching experience. I'm up for it. After all, I knew what I was signing up for when I said 'Thy will be done..."

 If you're reading this and have some wisdom to impart on the topic, leave a comment or email me on dneriah@gmail.com . Additionally, if you're interested in joining me on this journey, drop me an email or leave a comment.  Or pray for me as I take this journey. 

**************** What is support raising and what type of support do I need? ******************

Support raising is the act of approaching people to ask them to support your ministry work. It has biblical foundations (such as the story of the widow of Zarephath). It is an act of faith because we learn to fully rely on God as our provider. Additionally, it is a way of inviting people to participate in ministry by contributing to the work of God. More importantly, it is about the relationships formed. I believe that there are a lot of people who have wisdom to impart, whether it comes from experience of having done a church internship, or from other experiences. The journey I am on is long and challenging and I will need to have people standing by me, walking with me, teaching me, encouraging me and holding me up in prayer.  I am eager to form deep relationships with people, not just for the duration of my internship. Monetary support goes to cater for my day to day needs and missions, and can done as a one-off gift or a commitment to monthly contribution (any amount). So if you are interested, comment or email me and we can begin this journey together. 

Here I am

When I was in my final year of undergraduate studies in Psychology I worked as an intern at International Justice Mission. I was at a turning point in my life (a whole other story) and so far all I knew was that I loved children and I enjoyed helping people. While there I worked with children who had been sexually abused and people who had faced police brutality and false imprisonment. It was as though I was plunged in to a whole other world. Don't get me wrong; I knew that there is darkness in this world, but during my time there the little bubble that I had been living in was burst and my eyes opened up to see how terrible the human condition is. This led to many nights when I went to sleep with a pillow wet with tears. One time I got so angry I went to visit my psych professor who took me kick boxing. I forsook the gloves and punched till my knuckles bled. (I know I know, melodramatic right?) 

In spite of all these terrible things I was exposed to, the one thing that stuck with me was the light that IJM brought to the lives of those people. You see, my discomfort and tireless hard work were more than worth it to see the smile on the face of a child who has come out on the other side a victor. It was worth it to see a person falsely accused acquitted of their crime and reunited with their family. I learned then that only in the dark do you appreciate the light of just one match. I saw what it meant to be 'the light of the world'. I found men and women who answered God's call to 'Seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God'. I found my calling to social justice and so I chose to pursue it; I said to God 'Here I am, send me' .

                            "Only in the dark do you appreciate the light of just one match"  

My pursuit led me to the area of Child Protection and thus to the University of Edinburgh to pursue my masters degree in Childhood Studies (Children's Rights). That journey of faith was a marvelous one. There I was in a foreign land with my closest relatives far south. Time after time God surprised me with His providence, protection and friendship. I grew in ways I didn't think possible, met wonderful friends and experienced Him in new ways. My studies made me aware of global injustices as I sought to open my eyes to what is truly happening in the world. My dissertation was on child trafficking and once again I found myself delving into the depths of darkness, only this time it was in my research. For about 4 months all I read on a daily basis was of how millions of people are daily being enslaved and forced to work under the most terrible conditions; people for whom violence is an every day occurrence and for whom freedom is an abstract idea/myth they dare not even dream of. Each day it broke my heart to read and write of these things but I finally finished and graduated. I found myself at the end of that period of my life saying once again, 'Here I am Lord, send me'. I found myself back in Kenya wondering what to do next; for 4 months my prayer life was various versions of 'use me'. I was singing songs like Hillsong's 'Oceans Deep' ... "Spirit Lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior" 

Well, finally God answered me (three times just so I was clear on what he wanted). I joined the Kinara program today. For the last three months I've felt like I was standing on the edge of a great chasm. I was scared and apprehensive. Most of my friends have jobs. One of my worst thoughts was 'Oh my goodness! next year when I'm 25 I'll still be an intern!' I am a person of 5 year plans (I finished my first one last year) so when I was making my second one, being a church intern was nooooot in my plans... but when I think of it, I did want to work in a christian organisation in the area of social justice. (check and check in this internship). I was scared of the heart-wrenching nature of Social Justice. I was afraid I would be a failure or that my peers would look at me as one... I had many more doubts and anxieties but to each God only kept saying 'trust me' 'I've got you' 'I am with you always'. So I decided to take the plunge. I'm excited to be starting the Kinara Program. So, if you're reading this, keep me in your prayers and follow me on this adventure.     

SCAR FACE

Well, there's an odd turn of events (not really) ; I was thinking of the scars on my face and they got me thinking of the scars that we have and carry around. There are so many different scars, each with their own little stories; some great, some funny, some random and others that are only whispered to the ears of a loved one in the stillness of the night.
You know, scars that are physical hurt immediatley because we have pain receptors (nerves) and we watch them heal. Even more important to note, is that often the cause of the scar (whether external or internal ) is aware of making the scar- aware of the hurt they cause (or, you know, you tell them off for it) but the main thing is awareness.
I have a scar on my left eyebrow that was formed when I was like 8 and playing tip n tip (tag) and I hit the edge of a table and had to gt stitches done. It has healed and I'd forgoten it until last year when I tweezed my eyebrows for the first time.. WHAAAAT! the PAIN. And it made me think, we walk around with scars and we forget that they existed and that there was a part of us long ago that hurt so much we never thought it would end. we walk around thinking all is okay but we never did heal completley and when someone comes around to touching that side of us that once hurt so much, we're shocked by the way we react.
I have amother scar on the left side of my face. It is only apparent as a slightly darker shade of skin. But 2011 April half of my face had been scraped off at sea while I played with a friend. A wave had tossed us and I would have ridden it safely had he not been holding my hand thus dragging me down with him, causing me to scrape my head on the sea floor (I know only I would find such odd ways of getting hurt ) but he never knew he was the reason I got hurt and walked around with a scarf on my face for 3 months. well, that's how life is. There are times when we are hurt deeply by a person who is completely unaware of the damage they've caused us and we silently curse them or resent them, yet we do the same. We too leave scars in other people. We hurt them more than we'll ever know with our actions & inactions, with our words; we just keep hurting others and we go on with life unaware that we have people walking about with scars bearing our names. and what's worst is that often it's the ones we love that we hurt so deeply. It may not make sense that it takes a thousand little painstakingly placed pieces to build a relationship and life but just one careless mistake to break it down, but it's like playing Jenga or like a house of cards.
Especially hurting, is an inaction. Action is motivated and has reason so if I was hurt by reason I would be closer to understanding. However, inaction, being hurt by what someone didn't do, it hurts more to me. Inaction is passiveness, it's lazyness, it's lack of care and it is cowardly. I'd rather have someone fighting for me or against me but never just watching me.
Back to scars.. My final scar or old wound is in my neck.(I have many more but those are a long story)... In my final year of highschool I got hurt when the driver applied emergency breaks and I hadn't belted up. I hurt it so bad I couldn't turn for a week.Well, recently (okay it was last year) whip my hair played on the radio and I decided to whip my hair like the mad girl I am. Well, I had my fun until I went to bed and woke up the next day unable to move my head for a few days... It turns out that I never really healed. Lesson learnt; thou shalt NOT whip thy hair back and forth, neither shalt thou bang thy head.
You know we are never the same after we get our scars. We are left with a dull ache and bitterness. We change our habits ever so little . Imagine a ship that has a 1 degree shift to the right, in a cretain number of days it will have moved in a complete circle. That is how scars leave us. We change our actions subconciously and we need to be aware of the change otherwise we are letting hurt control our actions and that is never a good thing.
We are good at caring for our physical wounds- we bandage them and let them turn into scars. but our emotional hurts , we cover them up. Imagine if everytime you get hurt you put a bandage and forget about the wound then you one day give your hurt to a person, well, what would they find? festering wounds.. YUCK! I know, but that's how we live. We need to let these things heal, give them air; let them become just another funny story you swap with friends as you laugh at the past as opposed to them being a bitter painful secret to be shared on a long night after a few bottles of gin and shots of vodka to numb the pain.
I know that my face is wierd with it's assortment of scars (7 at last count) but it's way better than an assortment of wounds. the same goes for my hurt. Celebrate your scars, they are a unique part of your story that says that you have survived, not just existed.

Voices in my head

I have no idea how many people spend as much time inside their own heads as much as I do. And I think as much as I am healthy (or so I am think), it's time to recognize that the real world is where I should spend my time. For real, I tend to think that this is how people go 'crazy' , so to say, (Yes I know that isn't the politically correct word for it but.. you know what I mean...
as in, I used to say, and still say, and still feel to an extent, that the schizophrenics and dellsional, must be some of the happiest people on earth.
WAit, let me explain...It's true, just think about it, they have created an ideal world for themselves and they would rather live in that world. Well, I sometimes envy them for it. By the way, I do acknowledge that sometimes this world they've subconciously created can be bad and they can not escape it and to those people, my heart goes out to them. However, the romanticism of it all is my idea of perfection (getting to live in a world that you created). And I know just how good it can get in my head :)
I know I'm not the only one who does this, but I sometimes play out how a conversation with someone will fo. Especially during times when it's a 'we need to talk' moment. I feel the need to find a perfect conversation and I go over it until it's perfect in my head (both sides). Then reality checks in when we have the actual conversation and things go differntly from my plans and I get upset or rather, I get offput by it all. How sad.. I actually get shocked at how differently things end.
ANother instance of my being in my head is when I'm about to do something spontaneaous or even normanl. Eg, I'll be walking down staris like a normal person would, when I feel like jumping down the last few steps. Immediatly my mind plays this slide shows of several different ways that that can go wrong. like I fall on my face, I break a limb, I have to walk in a cast, the list goes on and on.. or When I'm walking with a cup of hot coffee, I always imagine myself spilling the coffee down my front as I stumble and fall and burn my face with hot coffee... things like that.. As in, in my head I've fallen like a thousand different ways in as many positions and locations and in real life, well, if I had a shilling for each time, I'd probably be able to buy a 5 bob coin :)
As in, even something simple as a kiss, do other chics worry that the lip balm will be annoying to the dude? haha sillyness galore!
Oh and when I'm talking to someone, yeah, still in my head, talk about multitasking. I sometimes end up losing my train of thought because I was busy thinking when I was talking. It's ashaming. I even stop suddenly because the audience of me in my head is tired of listening to my voice. Heck I think I've broken some sort of record with being all up in your own head.
Yes, I think it's normal to have an inner voice that reads out whatever I am reading. BUt I'm changing. I seem to have reduced the number of times I retreat into my inner sanctum in public and I'm proud of that, but whaaaat, I just need to get over this obsession with life in my head and just live a little. I have always (since Jan 2011) been an advocate for living in the present (the now) and I think that in order to truly enjoy the moment, I can't have my inner voice tinkering and yelling at me all the time.
Heck, I should probably stop reversing time in my head and replaying conversations in order to decipher hidden meanings or to think of things I should have done.. I probably didn't do them because this inner voice convinced me it was a bad idea...
You know, inactions are the things I regret most. It's never what I did (read previous post) but what I failed to do when I had the opportunity that is a pain in my memories. I guess I should train this inner voice to stop doubting and asking 'why' all the time. I resolved to be a 'whynot' kind of girl. So far, that's the best question that I can come up with. That and 'what's the worst thing that could happen anyway?' Yeah that one really helps me just take the leap, be it jumping into the pool with my clothes on, telling my parents I love them or just applying for an internship at my dream organization (which incidentaly I got :) ..
You know, it often is never that serious as we make situations seem. I recognize the need to ask 'why?' in some serious situations but if the worst outcome is a bruised ego or a few bumps and bruises verses a great few seconds, a wonderful experience or a lesson to learn, well it's just plain stupidity and cowardice to let that voice hold me back, isn't it? Of course it is.
Well, I know I will never completley out of my own head; that is just part of who I am, but I can learn to slow down some of the multi-tasking, lay off the melodramatic meltdowns when the outside world doesn't match the inner world, and fire the pessimistic thinker in there and for sure, I'll be having a blast both in and out of my head.. it's a party everywhere ;)

REGRETS AND 'IF ONLYS'

I like to say that I live a life without regrets. I even say that I never regret anything I have done and all this is the lie I tell myself because without it, I'd die inside. I like to think that whatever do for whatever reason it is that I do it, that I made the right decidion at that time considering the circunstances. And that in itself is true. I think that when you begin to doubt yourself, it is the beginning of the undoing of you. That is just the way life is. I once liked questoining each and every move I made and the burden of having to keep going over your own thoughts is quite tasking.
But truth be told, most of my regrets are some that some one else didn't do something. I can't truly say I have no regrets from my own actions, but when it was a situation about myself and someone else, well, that's where my regrets / 'if only's / 'I wish's lie. Yeah, but we really can never control other people's actions. I once wrote (#awesomefacebookupdates) that 'Living a life without regrets is not about not looking back and regreting anything you did, but its about not doing anything you'll regret later.' I read somewhere that 'Good times make good memories and Bad times make good lessons' That, to me, is how we should look at life. It's more like being grateful for the good decisions that you make and when the decision turns out not to have been such a great idea, then ;
1. Own your decision and mistkake and accept the consequences just as quickly as you would accept a reward for your good decision.
2. Learn the lesson.
Learning the lesson is key because it means that the mistake was not made in vain. I'd like to think that I'm this really self-actualized person who lived a perfect life but truth is there are moments that I look back and I think 'I wish I'd done things differently' or 'If I could go back I'd change this and that' Yet the truth is that in some of those times I didn't know any better then and that the innocence in me would be forever lost if I were to have known to act differently. So I dare to thank God that I didn't know better.
and as for those times I did know better and still acted,well, to those moments I say 'That was fun' and 'No stains no learning' ;)
So to all those thoughts of regret that keep creeping around in my head, mshindwe coz I'm happy. I can ony control what I do not what I did and so far, so good. Thanks to God for that.

Moment After Dark

I hate this moment.
This moment before I fall asleep,
Just after life's complications are put on hold till tomorrow,
with little post-its writen
'do not open till morning'.
This moment before sleep comes to send me on a journey,
where burdens are light and life is alright.
That deep slumber that's so heavy from exhaustion,
that it seems I'll never awake again.
I hate this moment most of all moments in time.
It's when my defenses are at their weakest.
My guards have fallen asleep
and my little hamster has stepped of its wheel.
It's at this moment when i long to forget the day,
That those tiny thoughts come creeping in.
Sneaky little bastards they are,
they slither in and pounce on me,
like a lioness does her prey.
These very thoughts that I'd imprisoned and ignored,
These very thoughts that I'd confined in the deep, dark, dungeons,
Run loose wreacking havoc on my weary soul.
Like drunken college kids on a Thursday night,
THey muck about the place like they own this town.
Well, they do, for one moment in the day,
they get to run free.
They get to sit in the driver's seat.
And I just lie here helplessly,
Willing sweet slumber to come to my aid,
Praying that the dream Angel would hasten his step,
and bring relief to this tired heart of mine.
Because they taunt her with dreams that never will be,
teasing her mercilessly with bitter-sweet memories.
They break her flaunting wishes that will never be granted,
and guilt her with shame from what once was.
They pick at her scars from battles fought long ago,
poking their little fingers into the depths of her hurt.
Be still my aching heart,
for slumber comes to lock away your terrors.
Find peace until tomorow night,
When once again they'll roam free.
Rest though, my dear, you poor little thing,
and know that it is for but a moment they reign,
and but a moment each day you have to endure.
I know you're strong,
You'll get through it.
Just take it one moment at a time.